Last night as I spoke to Thor on the phone he cracked his facial mask when he opened his mouth too wide. He exclaimed that he had just found a brown spider next to his bed. He told me that he had felt a spider bite him in his sleep the night before, and he was sure this little critter was the culprit. I really can't fault the spider for his appetite since I have bitten Thor in his sleep many times. He tastes delicious. Realizing this was no time to be jealous of a spider, I grabbed a medical treatment reference book and tried to shout out instructions over the phone as Thor frantically searched his medicine cabinet.
"I've just cut my ear open to let out the infection," he told me. "It's bleeding, and I'm still wearing my facial mask," he said.
"Thor, hang on. Let me read you what the book says to do," I replied.
"Now I'm pouring iodine on my ear. OWWWW!!!"
"Okay, Thor. Slow down. I think you should look for some hydrogen peroxide but I have to finish reading this section on spider bites," I told him.
"Oh, here is some Tinactin. I put Tinactin on everything," he said.
"Tinactin is for jock itch or athlete's foot, Thor. You need hydrogen peroxide," I reasoned.
"This will help," he said as I attempted to quicken my reading pace before he decided to just amputate his ear.
"Wait, Thor. Please don't put Tinactin on your ear. You have an open bleeding wound on your ear. Tinactin would not be a good idea," I begged.
"OWWWWW!!! This is worse than a tetanus shot!!!!!!" As I listened to him howling in pain, I knew I was too late to stop the inevitable Tinactin application. I tried to speak to him in a very calm voice, since Thor's ADHD, combined with a rapid heart rate, was making reasoning with him impossible.
"Baby, please listen to me," I pleaded. "You need to stop putting things on your ear now. Just wash it with water and some soap and then put a cold cloth or ice pack on it for a bit. See if it looks better in a few minutes before you keep messing with it. I think you got the infection out, but now you need to just clean it and wait."
"I am going to die," he answered.
"You are not going to die. You may only have one ear left after tonight, but you will not die. And I will still love you even if you have one ear," I said in an attempt to calm him. "Just please put a cold ice pack on your ear now," I ordered.
"Okay. I will," Thor said.
"Call me if you need me," I told him.
"I will. And, Toddy, thank you for being respectful towards me just now. I love you."
So, we survived our first medical crisis together. And I have a new appreciation for the medical profession. Maybe I will go into nursing. If all my patients looked like Thor and told me they loved me, I wouldn't even require a paycheck for my services.