Opening Night



I thought I was supposed to be the star of this damn show. Why am I resigned to the back row? And why didn't somebody tell me to move into the empty space in the center of the photo?

Well, as long as they have my dressing room decorated completely in white and have the six bottles of chilled Evian as well as the scented candles, I won't raise a fuss.

Hey, you. Thanks for calling to tell me "break a leg"! You meant that in a good way, right?

People have been asking me today if I am nervous about tonight's opening of the show. I don't typically get nervous performing in front of an audience. Lately, I've started feeling bored in rehearsals, because I need an audience to feel really energized. It's sort of like Warren Beatty sarcastically telling Madonna, in "Truth or Dare", that there really is no point to doing anything if it isn't being filmed.

I love the character I'm playing, but I feel as if I am cheating. "Robert" is so much like me. Still, Meg Ryan basically plays herself in every movie, so I think I should be allowed to do roles that aren't a huge stretch every once in a while.

At one point in the show, Robert is told by his best friend that he needs to be patient about finding a boyfriend and replies:

"I am patient. I go to bars. I dress butch. I act aloof and nothing happens. I'm so tired of anonymous sex. I want something different. I want something new. I wanna meet somebody. I want to be wanted by somebody who really likes me. I want to be adored by someone who is passionately attracted to me. I'm sick of fumbling in the dark with strangers. I'm so over that."

How will I ever be able to say that line and really mean it?

Shouldn't be hard at all...

It's true. I want a boyfriend, but I have two things going against me.

Thing Going Against Me Number One:
I think I might be picky. It's true. I wish it weren't, but I seem to fall for people who either live thousands of miles from Portland or are already attached. I don't like guys who say "irregardless" or who wear dirty clothes on our first date. I hate when a guy doesn't ask me anything about myself. I don't like guys who don't tip well or who try to impress me with how much money they have. Eye contact is a big deal to me. I like to have some of it now and then.

Thing Going Against Me Number Two:
Lots of guys don't want a boyfriend. The director of our show had brunch with a group of gay guys a couple weeks ago and mentioned my name, telling these boys I'm ready to have a boyfriend. This got back to me. I was basically being auctioned off without my knowledge. (Your name is TOBY!) As if that's not bad enough, I was told that several of the boys were in agreement that they would have sex with me but just aren't interested in having a boyfriend. Wow, that's harsh. I don't need to have a promise of a relationship before I'll sleep with someone, but I would like to know that a guy is at least open to more if things work out.

Theatre has always been a rewarding process for me. I will have a chance to explore Robert's life, his emotions, his thoughts, his motives and his actions three times a week for the next three weeks. I will get to live someone else's life in front of hundreds (hopefully) of people. To me, this is better than having a boyfriend.

Also, that is a total lie.