Stalking Made Simple

Balloon Boy is worried about me. He asked me if I ever worry that the Toaster Oven will attract stalkers. "Only if I am lucky," I told him.

It seems that my stalkers must be having trouble tracking me down. I mean, there is a slight chance I don't have any stalkers, but that seems unlikely. I'm sure it's just that I'm hard to track, right?

So, if you are trying to stalk me, here are my plans for the night. At 5 pm today (Pacific time, you better hurry if you want to find me) you can catch me in the parking garage here if you want to steal my wallet (two dollars cash and a maxed out credit card can be yours!) or take me by force.

After that, I'm having a drink with Apollo (look for his biceps) at the Red Cap. We should be there until 6 p.m. I will be sitting on the patio or standing by the men's room stuffing free condoms in my pockets.

At 6 p.m., I'm heading to The Crystal Ballroom for Portland's annual theatre awards ceremony.

I'm not sure how late I will be there. I will probably leave promptly after the ceremony and go home so I can get a good night's sleep for work tomorrow.

I knew I'd get you with that one. Hilarious.

Seriously, after I watch the same three people who win every year accept their awards, I will probably go sing karaoke. Or maybe I will stand around at The Silverado feeling bored. Unless you show up to stalk me, which would be fun.

I hate to sound desperate, but somebody please stalk me. Please?

Don't make me post my cell phone number people.