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Seething Cakes of Hatred

Making pancakes, as I learned at AP's birthday bash at the beach this weekend, is an unbelievably tedious chore. I don't know why I...

Tuesday, June 29, 2004

Straight Boys

If you are about to have your picture taken with a hot guy, don't you think your friends should tell you if your hair is sticking straight up?

That's me and Boy Hunk. He is my favorite straight boyfriend. Needless to say, he is very useful to me. He pretends to be my boyfriend if I am trying to avoid certain guys at the bar. Or, if I need to make someone jealous (shut up - it is a genuine need at times) then he'll make out with me. You can imagine how often I need to make people jealous.

ME: Hey, Boy Hunk, see that guy over there? He dumped me.
BOYHUNK: Wanna make out in front of him?
ME: Let's do it!

He is also an awesome friend. One night at karaoke I decided to ask Ivan out on a date. Ivan was the guy who sang country songs and flirted with me every week. I thought he was straight, but everybody insisted he was gay. Ivan winked at me when he sang and smiled his big broad smile whenever I came over to say hello. I started believing that maybe he really was interested in me. So one night I got my courage up to ask him on a date. That's when I found out he had a girlfriend.

I sat at the bar drinking whiskey and moaning to Boy Hunk about the difficulty I sometimes have with discerning a man's sexuality. "It's easier for straight people," I told him. "You have a much better chance of approaching a girl you like and knowing that she is most likely straight," I whined. "But when you are gay the odds are against you. A lot of guys that I like turn out to be straight!"

Then I said, "I hate being gay."

I have never seen Boy Hunk look more upset. "Don't ever say that," he said to me. "Please don't say that."

I felt like I had let him down. He loves me for who I am, and the idea that I hated a part of myself really upset Boy Hunk. I could see it in his face, and I knew he was right to scold me. It's wrong to hate who you are.

Here are a few more reasons why I love Boy Hunk:

1. He gives me pep talks when I need them. Because of his prodding (mmmmm) I have summoned up the courage to flirt with people I think are "too hot" for me.

2. He thinks I am sexy but not very smart
One night I had a party at my house. Kenny was a guy at the party who I had been seeing for over a month, but he was very slow to respond to my subtle requests for sex (TAKE ME! DO ME NOW!). At around 4 in the morning I went to bed and overheard a conversation outside through an open window. Kenny was telling Boy Hunk that he really liked me, but that he worried that my heart wasn't really with him.

I heard Boy Hunk reply, "You have to tell Todd what you want".

Kenny said, "I can't. He is the kind of person who will do what I want just to make me happy. I want his actions to come from him rather than from a desire to please me".

"Todd is sexy," Boy Hunk answered, "but not very smart".

I remember giggling as I listened from my bedroom. Boy Hunk had no idea I could hear what he was saying. I actually felt complimented because Boy Hunk called me sexy. Maybe I'm not very smart.

3. Boy Hunk gave me a concussion
Speaking of sexy but not smart, at my birthday party last year Boy Hunk decided to jump into my arms from across the kitchen without warning me. I was holding a bottle of beer and chatting with Metro at the time. I looked over to see Boy Hunk flying through the air towards me. I had no time to react, and both Metro and I crashed to the floor as Boy Hunk landed on us. I felt my head hit the back of a chair, and I spent the rest of the night trying to stop the bleeding. I'm still plotting my revenge.

4. Boy Hunk is sexy but not very strong
I can beat him at arm wrestling. Right-handed AND left-handed. Ha.

Straight boys are hot. But they can be very confusing. Recently I met a guy who claims to be mostly straight. Mostly. He asked if he could sleep over one night. Knowing he likes girls better, I assumed he meant he wanted to crash on the couch. So I told him he was welcome to sleep there. "I have a couch at home," he answered. "If I wanted to sleep on a couch I could just go home."

I was quite surprised, to say the least. "Are you saying you want to sleep in my bed?" (Could you hit me over the head with that brick just a bit harder please?)

So, he spent the night. And we've had a few more interesting encounters, and I have no idea what is going on. He is mostly straight. I am all the way gay.

Boy Hunk, you are so right. Sometimes I am sexy but not very smart.

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