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Monday, October 25, 2004

Reader Testimonial

This morning I received a wonderful e-mail from a reader of Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven. I won't reveal her identity, for obvious reasons. But I wanted to share this note with you, because it made my day:

Dear Hot Toddy:
I HAD to email to tell you what just happened to me - I
could not post it on Toaster Oven, because it is far too embarrassing.

[Don't worry, reader. I will post it for you. You obviously have too many filters.]

I was reading your blog. Like I do. And I was even reading some of them out loud to my husband, who has not yet been on your site.(Criminal!) I read him 'Dear The Rock', and 'Left-Handed Marriage', two of my favorites. Then I got to 'Snapple Lids'.

To be fair, I made the rather serious error of drinking a beverage as I read. Upon reading the first two lines, and after having taken a huge swig of diet coke, I began to laugh. And then things got serious.

I began to choke. Really choke. The diet coke was fizzing in my mouth, as I had previously been eating beef jerky, and we all know how sodium and carbonated beverages behave when mixed. It's like a science class volcano in your mouth. As I struggled to keep this self-made magma from spewing all over my very expensive keyboard, I got up to rush to the bathroom to spit. Now, here's where things go from bad to worse.

I was running, choking, and LAUGHING so hard that I, quite literally, peed my pants. And I'm not talking about a dribble. I'm talking about full-on pee. I won't go any more into this, but let me just say- if you haven't peed your pants since you were potty-trained, it's a reminder of why you were so anxious to get out of diapers as a child. It is not comfortable.

That in and of itself would have warranted an email. But wait- there's more. I was choking, had just peed my pants, and was still laughing so hard, that I vomited. I am not making this up. I VOMITED. I did not make it to the toilet. Thankfully, I did reach the tiled floor of the bathroom.

My one, leading question is this: What do you have to say for yourself? I blame you.

The truly amazing part of this story is that all of this happened in the span of about ten seconds. As of right now, the pants are in the wash. The bathroom floor has been cleaned. The diet coke has been poured out. All I regret is that my ants haven't been delivered yet. I'm sure with their help, this whole embarrassing event could have somehow been avoided.

I know that this is story is really disgusting, but I hope you enjoyed it.

Magma Mouth

Dear Magma:
I feel horrible for causing choking, urination and vomit. I feel horrible that I posted your shame for all the world to see. I feel horrible that part of me enjoys the fact that you choked, urinated and vomited after reading Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven. I feel horrible that I just lied. It's not part of me that enjoyed this story. I relished your traumatic story with every fiber of my being.

To make amends, I went to confession and left a comment confessing my own regurgitative exploits.

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