I am in a celebrity feud with Dan Renzi.
Yeah, I know I am not as big a celebrity as Dan Renzi, but I get recognized at the bars from my performance in 10 Naked Men last summer, so I still have some clout. Dan wrote me over a year ago and pretended to be very sweet and friendly towards me. Suddenly, his tone has changed. He has become a jealous petty man and regularly taunts me on his blog. Well, not so much regularly. But he has taunted me twice in two weeks, and I refuse to roll over and play dead.
This time he has gone too far by implying that I drink too much and am promiscuous. I admit, it didn't help my case much when I admitted yesterday to having slept with 80 percent of the men who visited The Vortex last weekend (not all at once). So, I was never a supermodel and will only dream of being cast in a reality television show, but why must Dan Renzi pick on the little people?
Dan, your words are hurting people. But I refuse to stoop to your level.
No, I refuse.
Okay, never mind. I will stoop just this once.
One day at work a gay man with a mullet said that I had ugly shoes. Because he was a gay man with a mullet, I took it as a compliment. I was quite relieved that he didn't care for my fashion taste. That is exactly how I feel about gaining your approval.
I watched your little television show last night. I wasn't happy. When I heard you were being sent to The Inferno, I thought it meant you had to spend the night in a pit of fire. I was excited at the thought of watching you crawl around in the flames hacking and choking from the smoke. Instead, all you had to do was hang on a pole while skillfully wrapping your legs around another man's body. Like that would be hard for you. So it turned me on a little bit. But I'm still mad at you.
I think it is your fault that I didn't win the coveted Bloggie.
(Where do we go with this now, Dan? Please e-mail me again so we can plan our next argument. I assume you have partied with Britney and Christina because you are so famous. Can they give us any pointers on how to feud? Do I get to slap you in public or anything? Can we get Flora involved in this somehow? I'm sure she would take my side, right?)
One more thing. I watched The Inferno carefully. I just wanted to say that I think Dan Renzi is lip-synching his performance.