Next, Please

Well, he was cute in a "Sleeping With The Enemy" sort of way, wasn't he?

Time to get back out there and meet boys. I am just chompin' at the bit. There are so many men who need saving. So many crazies and psycho freaks! If there is anybody in this world who needs to be rescued, I will find him. If there is a convict in need of a penpal, I'll write him and send him money. If there is a little Russian baby with no feet or an African boy with no head, I will adopt him. I am like Jesus, only nicer.

As I think about the next person I will date, I get very excited. Will he be directionless and misguided? Will he be running from the law? Will he live with his parents?! The possibilities are endless.

I wish Jeffrey Dahmer weren't dead so I could date him.

I would also like to have a shot with Robert Downey, Jr., and if they ever find Osama, he's all mine. Back off!

Michael Jackson would make a good boyfriend. Every day would be filled with new and exciting adventures and brand new faces to scare me!

As has been pointed out, if you sleep with me I will think we are married. I can't differentiate between sex and marriage. I am really a big idiot that way. It is so difficult being a huge slut who wants commitment. I want to be married to a crazy person so bad. If I dated Britney, she would probably marry me! For a couple days at least.

Hell, I should try dating some women. Is Courtney Love available? I'm sure there must be thousands of needy insane women who'd let me save them. Angelina Jolie, for starters. I could make her be faithful to me. I just know I could.

The problem with women is that I don't want to have sex with them and most do not have big enough biceps for me to grab onto. They also have too many holes. I would get confused during sex.

The wacko men of the world will just have to do for now. If you have an extra special crazy ex-boyfriend, please tell him about me and be sure to give him my e-mail address. Just let him know he can't have my phone number until I get to know him better. One short e-mail will be sufficient for me to trust him, and he can even insult me in it. I'll forgive him.

Or maybe I will get lucky and run into Alex, whose number I've thrown away a dozen times. As Juju puts it, Hot Toddy likes his men "pen-clickin crazy".