Inner Monologue: Treadmill

I had a great time last night with another blogger, but I'm not writing about it until he does. No way am I showing my cards first.

Anyway, you may have noticed I haven't talked about my workouts lately. That's because they ceased to exist for over a month. But I've been inspired to get back to the gym, and it's going well. Except for one thing. I won't shut up.

Running on the treadmill seems to wake up the chatterbox in my head. I thought exercise was supposed to quiet one's mind, but when I step on that treadmill, you you should hear the babbling prattle that runs faster than my body does.

You wanna hear? Okay, imagine I am facing three television screens and wearing headphones. On the right-hand screen Oprah is interviewing Wynonna (again!) and the news is on television number two. The television screen to the far left is airing ESPN.

(Toddy steps onto the treadmill and sets the speed to 5.0. He raises the incline to 4 and begins running)

"I should try raising the incline to five, but then my side will hurt within three minutes. In fact, I should probably start at three, but I want to challenge myself. Like Oprah does. She used to be so fat, but, man, look at her now. She wore that green dress before, I think, when she was interviewing someone else. Oh, right. Sharon Stone. No, Oprah probably would never wear something on the show more than once. She is so rich. I wonder if she...

WOW

there is that hot lawyer, Mike. He is pretty old, but damn he has a good body. Oh, good, he is working chest and biceps today. I need to put my glasses on so I can see him better. Balding, but hot. I'd better pretend to check my distance on the machine. If he saw me put on my glasses he will think I am checking him out. Then he will become more arrogant than he already is...

Oh, god, I have only been running for 53 seconds? Shit. This is going to be a long run, but at least Mike is working out over there next to that other guy. That other guy seems gay. I think he sometimes sneaks glances at me the way I am sneaking glances at Lawyer Mike. But I am not interested in that guy even if he is gay. What does his shirt say? Oh, the AIDS walk. But that doesn't mean he is gay. Don't presume to know a person's sexuality just because they support the fight against AIDS, Todd, you stupid moron. Just because...

Okay, now he is doing dumbbell curls and his biceps are bulging. He is doing them wrong. He's swinging his arms too much. Show off. If you can't lift properly, you should use lighter weights. Idiot. Hot muscular idiot. Yum. I need to lower the incline to 3. This is hard.

Anderson Cooper used to be the host of The Mole and now he does news. That is so weird. He is Gloria Vanderbilts son. I can't believe I still remember that Kathryn was The Mole. How do I remember stuff like that, but I forget to blow out candles when I go to bed?

God. I've been running three minutes. That means I have to run at least 22 more minutes, but I should really run 27 more minutes. I know I will run 22 minutes. There's no way I will still be into this in 27 minutes. Then I will eat a protein bar and go home and...WAIT...do I have any whiskey at home? I should drink vodka tonight. That seems more healthy, since I've been running. I could mix it with juice for nutrition.

I wonder if Lawyer Mike and I slept together if he would want to hide it from everyone at work. Probably. Then it would be like that Alannis Morrisette song about washing hands clean. She hasn't made a song in a while.

Yes she has. She was in that Cole Porter movie. I don't want to see that. I should see it, though, because people are going to blog about it constantly the way they all blogged about Janet Jackson at the Superbowl. What should I blog about tomorrow? I wonder what Patrick will blog about tomorrow?

It's 4:15. I wonder if anyone in NYC is drunk dialing me right now? I should drunk dial someone soon. If I drank whiskey instead of vodka tonight, maybe I would be in the mood to drunk dial. But probably not if I drink vodka. I should call Andy and see if he wants to get a drink after work. I haven't called BoBo for a few days, I should see if he wants to get a drink after work. Oh, I told The Handsome Prince I would be home after work. Maybe we'll play cribbage in The Vortex. That's so cute that he calls our backyard patio The Vortex. I remember when CT and I went to that place in Oregon called The Vortex. I wonder if CT is dating anybody yet. Bastard. Fucker. Asshole. (Toddy raises treadmill speed to 5.8 and runs angrily).

This song rocks. Why do I like Toxic so much? I'm so happy I got that dance mix of Holiday and Milkshake that Billy sent me. He is really cute. Why did I think he would be rude and cocky? He's not. I wonder if he is working out right now.

Oprah is kind of stuck up sometimes. She used to seem more humble. What kind of protein bar do I have in my backpack? I hope it's the kind that tastes like Butterfinger. I love that one. I forgot if THP is making dinner. Oh, he is making pizza. I should totally not eat pizza and drink vodka tonight. Right after running? That is so stupid. Maybe light beer.

15 minutes to go. I can't believe how much Lawyer Mike stands around and talks when he is supposed to be working out. How is his body that hot when he stands around and also lifts with improper form? But his body is so hot. Yeah, he would totally keep our affair a secret. Asshole. (Toddy turns up treadmill speed to 6.0 and runs angrily).

This woman walking next to me smells awful. Why do people put on perfume before they work out? She's an idiot. Aw, but she is trying so hard to lose weight. I should be more compassionate. Maybe I will smile at her and give her a thumbs up when I leave. No way would I ever give someone a thumbs up. That is so stupid. I'll bet Lawyer Mike gives people a thumbs up sometimes. He's hot. Maybe I will just smile at the smelly lady as I leave. But what if she thinks I'm flirting? She might think I'm straight and then she'll get a crush on me like that one lady who rides the stationary bicycle here at the gym who told me she had a crush on me. That was embarrasing. It would be weird if Lawyer Mike told me he had a crush one me while we were in the locker room. Or in the shower. Yeah, if we were in the shower and he came over and said, "I've always had a crush on you, can I wash your back for you?" - That would be so hot.

I wonder what Andy will blog about tomorrow? I wonder if Oprah knows what a blog is? I'll bet she has researchers who have to explain stuff like that to her because she is always out buying shoes and getting manicures. I loved when Missy Elliot said, "get your hair did" in that one song.

Taco Bell is so good when you're drunk. Pizza sounds good. Five more minutes. I should just start cooling down now."