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Monday, August 23, 2004

The Truth About Ponies and Toaster Ovens

Okay, I was going to be nice. I was trying to keep my mouth shut with my earlier post today. I planned to brush over the "date" with Pony. But then he opened a can of worms over at his site. I'm not linking you to it. Don't go there. He lies.

First of all, I did not answer the door naked, as he claims. What happened was this: He arrived 20 minutes early, pulled his car onto the lawn and started honking. I heard him honking, but I was still in the shower. I quickly rinsed the shampoo out of my hair and was about to wrap a towel around my waist when I heard a clattering racket in the bathroom. Pony was climbing through the window.

"Are you ready Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven?" he asked.

"I've told you my name is Toddy. Not Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven," I replied. "And please go wait outside on the patio until I'm dressed."

"I like it when you call it The Vortex," he said smiling and not looking at my eyes.

"Please, Pony, go wait outside," I said.

"In The Vortex," he said grinning and reaching for my towel.

"Okay, yes, whatever. In The Vortex," I snapped.

Rather than use the door, he climbed back through the window and trampled my prize-winning roses on his way to the patio. When I got outside he was running his hands through The Handsome Prince's hair. "Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven, when things don't work out with us, do you care if I date The Handsome Prince?" asked Pony.

"Fine," I answered as I lit incense to help me focus my spirit.

Pony watched me intently. "Why are you lighting so many cigarettes, Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven?"

"They're incense," I answered. "And, please, just call me Todd."

"Why do you need five cigarettes," he asked as I closed my eyes and inhaled the sweet aroma.

Frustrated, I slipped on my cowboy boots and said, "Let's just go."

"I can't wait to get those boots off of you, Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven," he replied. Then he grabbed his crotch and winked at THP.

We walked out onto the lawn and got into Pony's truck. He cranked up his stereo and announced that we were going to have a Phil Collins theme to our date. I listened as Whitney Houston began singing "One Moment in Time".

"That's not Phil Collins," I said.

"You are right, Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven. It is only a CD recording of him," answered my brilliant date.

He gave me a paper cup and told me to read the side of the cup. "One Moment in Time" was scrawled on the side. Pony was grinning at me, and I have to admit he looked cute. "Get it? Just like your date!"

He took me to a graveyard first and said the plan was to tip tombstones. I asked him if we could just go bowling or something instead. He was irritated, but agreed to my request. He grabbed some flowers off a grave, handed them to me, and we got back into the truck.

Bowling was not a great idea. I regret ever suggesting it. The first game we played was fine except for the fact that Pony kept sending me off to get beer. While I was gone, he bowled both his frames and my frames. I only got to bowl three frames, but at least we still tied.

Pony bowled the entire second game while I was in the bathroom rinsing beer out of my shirt after Pony threw a full pitcher at me. Apparently his competitive nature doesn't allow for tie games. He has to win. Unfortunately, in spite of bowling left-handed, I trounced him in the third game. My prize was having another pitcher of beer hurled into my face.

Dinner was nice. Pony ordered for me. I really appreciated the veal and lambchops. I'm just thankful the restaurant didn't serve "freshly clubbed baby seal", which was Pony's original request.

I know he tried so hard, and I hate to complain about Pony's behavior. Maybe he was just nervous. I mean, who wouldn't be nervous to have a chance at a date with me? It was pretty obvious that Pony is into me. I mean, besides climbing through my bathroom window, he pretended to be cold at the restaurant. So I removed my outer shirt and sat there in my undershirt for the entire meal. Then he shivered harder and said he still wasn't warm enough, but I wasn't falling for it. I kept my shirt on, ate quickly, and we left the restaurant. He told me he was leaving a 75% tip for the waitress, and I didn't have the heart to tell him that three quarters equal 75 cents, not 75 percent.

We drove up onto the lawn, and the date was at a close. But then the most amazing thing happened. We went in my house and kissed, and it was wonderful. I was amazed. I could have kissed him for hours. It seemed like we might have a connection.

Then he pulled away from me and shouted, "I won!" He started jumping up and down and, in addition to breaking my Swarovski crystal swan on the little shelf by the door, also woke the neighbors as he ran outside to his truck.

Pony drove off in his truck honking his horn and shouting, "I won! I won the bet! EVill bet me I wouldn't kiss Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven, but I won! I won five dollars!"

And that is the real truth about Pony and Toddy's date.

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