Performance Anxiety

The Handsome Prince (who will actually read this entry since he saw his name at the beginning) had houseguests last night. His cool sister (he has three - they're all cool) came over and had a dinner party with friends. THP's eleven-year old niece cracks me up. When telemarketers call, she answers the phone and responds to the marketer's pitch with, "I'm 11 years old. Get fucked," and hangs up.

I have a wine rack that is nearly empty, so I've been trying to buy an extra bottle of wine whenever I can so that I can fill it up. But THP derailed that plan last night. It's empty again. His dinner guests went through a lot of wine. I really want to be sarcastic and funny about it, but the truth is that he's welcome to anything I have (except for that one bottle of Port that I'm saving to share with my soulmate, whoever that turns out to be).

I wasn't in the mood to party last night. It's unusual for me to miss a party, but I just wanted to be alone. After work I went to CC Slaughters for a couple drinks. I sat by myself and didn't engage in conversation, or even eye contact, with anyone. Sometimes I notice guys sitting all alone at the bar, and I feel sorry for them. I think maybe they are lonely. But last night I was one of those guys, and I was really hoping nobody I knew would be at the bar. For some reason I wanted to be out in public, but I also wanted to be left alone.

When I got home, I spent most of the night in my room. In spite of the laughter I could hear coming from "The Vortex", I chose solitude. I think it's because I just needed to recharge. When you are a person who likes to entertain, who enjoys making people laugh, who has a reputation for being extremely social, there is a certain pressure (self-imposed) to perform. When I don't feel funny or witty or smart, I avoid social situations because I don't want to let anybody down. I realize that my friends don't expect me to always be "on" - but I have come to expect that from myself. I hate feeling boring, and that's how I felt last night.

Come to think of it, even blogging has a certain social pressure, and I sort of feel that same performance anxiety about writing today. I regret very much that today's post may not be entertaining. Unlike many bloggers, I am not blogging only for myself. I'm blogging to connect - to relate to others - to build community - to entertain. Well, all is not lost. Maybe just admitting my performance anxiety will strike a chord with someone else. Maybe it will be a way for us to connect. Maybe making people laugh isn't the best thing I have to offer.

Instead of standing on the table with a lampshade on my head, I'm going to sit over here in the corner sipping a glass of wine. Oh, scratch that. We're out of wine. Okay, I'll have a vodka tonic, but if you're in the mood for a quiet chat and don't mind if I have nothing funny to say, feel free to come sit with me.