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Tuesday, August 10, 2004

Come to Jesus Meeting

I know some of you are worried about the political climate in this country, and I'm here to help. I try to steer clear of political topics at Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven, but I think it's time for an intervention from yours truly. So, don't worry, I'm going to have a little talk with George W. this Friday when he comes to Portland and get this whole upcoming election ironed out. I have never mentioned on Toaster Oven that George and I are old friends. My omission is intentional - partly because I am not a name-dropper - but mostly because I am embarrassed to have such a ridiculous friend.

We actually met at Chili's Bar and Grill in McKinney, Texas, where I worked as a server in '95. I was GW's server, and he said I was the best waiter he and Laura ever had. He tipped me two whole dollars. After they finished their margaritas and fajitas (he pronounced them "fujitsus"), I asked George and Laura if they wanted to come over and go swimming in my parents' pool after I got off work. Laura said, "Yes, as long as we are not skinny dipping," so they came over and we hung out. I taught GW how to doggie paddle without his water wings, and we've been friends ever since. GW and I e-mail every now and then, but I have been so busy working (and by working, I mean hanging out at CC Slaughters drinking Maker's Mark) that I haven't had time to follow up with him on some of my concerns.

So, this Friday GW and I are meeting at Krispy Kreme for hot doughnuts and coffee, and I imagine our talk will go something like this:

Yes, GW, I do remember when we swam in my parents' pool. Yep, that really WAS funny when you dunked Laura too long and she got mad and started choking. Anyway, I want to talk to you about something. It's kind of serious. Wait. You have doughnut on your chin. Here, let me get it for you so you don't spill your coffee like last time. Oops. Well, that's okay, accidents happen. We'll get you another coffee.

Yes, I think you've stained your shirt. What do you mean "just like Bill Clinton's stained dress?" No, I don't get it. No, you're thinking of Monica Lewinsky's dress. No, George, it was Monica's dress. No, it was. I get the joke, but you're saying it wrong.

Yes, you are.

Yes, you are.

Never mind.

Anyway, I need to tell you something very serious. I've heard some people talking about you behind your back. No, it's not "the faggots". No, I'm serious we, um, I mean, they like you very much. No, really. You should see how they rave about you on the blogs I read.


They're like online journals.

Journals. Journals are like diaries. Never mind.

Anyway, George, some people were saying some horrible things about you. I think they want to fight you. Well, if you must know it was Saddam Hussein and John Kerry. Yeah, they told me that they think you are afraid to drop out of the upcoming election. I'm serious. They said you are chicken and that you hide behind your position as President and you are scared to face them.

Yes, actually, I did hear them say they dared you to resign. Yes, actually, it was a double dog dare. Yes, you should show them you're not afraid just like you showed the terrists. I agree. You're right, I think you should resign and leave the White House and show those bastards you're no chicken. That's that spirit! Let Kerry see how hard it is to lead the country, that will show him.

Yes, these really are good doughnuts. No, don't worry, GW, it will be fine. Yes, I'm sure you will still get your doughnuts free. Okay, so, I'm glad we had this talk. Oh, I think you should announce it right away. No we can't go swimming in my parents' pool this afternoon. Because they live in Texas, GW, and we're in Oregon. Oregon.

No, not Oregone. Oregon.



Never mind.

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