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Seething Cakes of Hatred

Making pancakes, as I learned at AP's birthday bash at the beach this weekend, is an unbelievably tedious chore. I don't know why I...

Tuesday, August 17, 2004


When I was in the cult (God, I love starting sentences with that phrase) I learned a lot about the difference between saying you are sorry and true repentance. Repentance requires a change in behavior, not just an apology.

Yesterday I admitted that I let a bee die. And ate pork. I think I ate a piece of chicken the other night too, but I can't be sure because, as I've said, my only memory of the dinner is that we might have talked about boats.

Last night I had a dream that clearly showed me the path to redemption. You know how sometimes a dream will seem deeply profound and then seem ludicrous the next morning? This was not one of those dreams. This was a deeply profound dream that guided me to my new purpose for living. And it seems no less reasonable this morning as I rub sleep from my eyes and eat my veggie sausage patty.

I am going to train cats to mix martinis.

In my dream, my friend recently found out that her cat could mix the perfect martini. The cat was so superior to martini-mixing humans that people in London were flying the cat over to mix martinis for them. It occurred to me this morning that I have finally discovered a way to make a real difference in the world and contribute to one of my favorite causes, kindness to animals.

I plan on contacting animal shelters throughout the country so that I can set up workshops on bartending for homeless cats and dogs. Who wouldn't adopt a poor little cat that knows how to make a Lemon Drop? A dog specializing in blended beverages would be adopted immediately. People in high society would be thrilled at the idea of mai tais served by shih tzus. No pet would go unwanted.

If we would all open our minds to the power of dreams, our world would be powerfully altered. I encourage you to start following your dreams. Literally.

I just hope I have time to organize the other idea that came to me in my dream. For only $500 you can go on a camping trip with Lucy and Ricky and Fred and Ethel. Proceeds benefit The Humane Society.

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