Big Bed

I woke up this morning alone. Really, really alone. It is weird that sometimes I still feel like Mike's partner. Maybe that is to be expected after sleeping with the same person for seven years. We spent a total of maybe 20 nights apart during that whole time. That means about 2500 nights together.

Is it Christmas that is making me dwell a bit too much in the past? Why do I focus so much on what I used to have instead of being here now? I always tell people that I miss the relationship more than I miss the actual person. But today I miss the actual person. A lot.

He was kinder and gentler with me than any man had ever been. He was the most handsome man I had ever seen, and I never truly understood why he was in love with me. I felt so lucky so much of the time. Even when I wanted to spend time away from him, I knew that he was the only one I wanted to go back home to and sleep with. His muscular body was beautiful to me. His deep rich voice was soothing.

I met M at a rehearsal for a musical we were both doing in Dallas, Texas. He joined the cast a week or so into rehearsals. When he walked in, I couldn't take my eyes of the tall dark-haired man with the strong jawline and beautiful dark eyes. I went up to him and said, "Welcome to the show," and our relationship began that day. We went out that very night with a large group. He told me he wanted to hold my hand that first night, but he couldn't because he was in a relationship.

When that relationship ended, he and I immediately began ours. Big mistake. But we were so happy and "in love". I will always remember the good things we shared. Our trip to New Mexico was like a honeymoon. Just love and adoration and contentment at being together. We exchanged rings under a pine tree on a snowy hillside in Santa Fe. Our mutual vow was, "I devote myself to you."

A year after our split, I still find myself having a hard time breaking my vow. There is a part of me that still considers myself "his partner". That is why I woke up this morning surprised to find myself alone in my bed. I used to move close to him at night when he slept just so I could listen to him breathe. I liked to move over to his side of the bed in the morning when he got up to shower, because I could feel his body warmth and smell him on the pillow. Waking up alone is a desolate feeling sometimes. Even more unsatisfying is sleeping with strangers. I have no desire to smell the pillow when they get out of my bed. I usually rip the sheets off and wash them as soon as possible.

I don't care what I get this Christmas. I really don't. I only know what I want for Christmas next year, and the year after that, and the year after that. When I find love again, it will most definitely be a powerful experience. I know for certain it will surpass what I have already known, because I can't settle for anything less than what I've had. It's kind of overwhelming to imagine a love that is even stronger, but I do believe in it.