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Monday, December 22, 2003

Public Apology

I have been acting like a brat lately, and I hate it. I am not enjoying life much lately. I am grouchy and gloomy. I get jealous that my friends have boyfriends or spouses. I drink and smoke too much. I get to work late all the time. I never read the newspaper, and I watch too much television. I haven’t been writing or reading lately. I am broke. I don’t call my friends back. I have been skipping workouts.

It is time for my public apology. Thanks, Bill Clinton, or should I say Bill Clinton’s speechwriters, for helping me out with this one:

Good evening. This afternoon in this cubicle, from this chair, I evaluated a lot of my recent actions.
I have truthfully answered questions posed by my conscience, questions no reality television-loving, karaoke-singing vegetarian citizen would ever want to answer.

Still, I must take responsibility for the private shit I haven’t told anybody and the way I have been treating those closest to me.

As you know, my life changed dramatically on October 8, 2002. And I have claimed to have made a lot of progress in rising from the pit of despair I was in a year ago. While my claims were basically accurate, I did not volunteer information.

Indeed, I do have some private thoughts that are not appropriate. In fact, they are wrong. My inner thoughts are extremely harsh and self-critical. Sometimes I think bad things about my friends and don’t even tell them. This constitutes a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on my part for which I am solely and completely responsible.

But I told myself today, and I am writing to you now that I’ve never asked anyone to try to fix my life for me. I know it is my job to take care of myself and that nobody really owes me anything.

I know that my public comments and my silence about this matter gave a false impression. I misled people, including even my closest friends. I deeply regret that.

I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors. First, by a desire to impress everybody. I want to seem much stronger than I really am.

I was also very concerned about protecting my self-esteem. Sometimes I lie to myself so I won’t feel like such a loser.

The fact that so many people around me seem to be happy in life and love was a consideration, too. I don’t want to bring anybody down, you know.

In addition, I had real and serious concerns about my inability to change. I can’t apologize if I don’t also change my behavior, can I?

I have kept my feelings to myself too long, hidden too much and distanced too many people who care about me.

Now, this matter is something I will have to work through for myself. I must put it right, and I am prepared to do whatever it takes to do so. I want to be able to look in the mirror and feel really great about myself. I haven’t felt that way for a few months.

Nothing is more important to me personally. But it is private, and I intend to reclaim my personal life, my hope, my inspiration for myself. It's nobody's business but mine.

Even extroverted actors with an overpowering urge to entertain have private lives. It is time to stop my pursuit of self-destruction and the focusing on my failings and get on with my life.

I have been distracted by this matter for too long, and I take my responsibility for my part in all of this. That is all I can do. Now it is time -- in fact, it is past time to move on.

I have important work to do -- real opportunities to seize and real problems to solve.

And so today, I ask you to turn away from the spectacle of my life, to give me a chance to grow up, and to trust that I won’t always be such a basketcase. Thank you for listening. And good night.''

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