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Seething Cakes of Hatred

Making pancakes, as I learned at AP's birthday bash at the beach this weekend, is an unbelievably tedious chore. I don't know why I...

Friday, December 19, 2003

Crows make me cry

A few months ago juju and I were sitting on the porch having coffee and talking. I was wearing my polka dot flannel pajamas and she had on a silk kimono. That has nothing to do with the story, but it is an interesting image, isn't it? The nice thing about living in Portland is that nobody really cares what you wear. EVER.
Big Bed

I woke up this morning alone. Really, really alone. It is weird that sometimes I still feel like Mike's partner. Maybe that is to be expected after sleeping with the same person for seven years. We spent a total of maybe 20 nights apart during that whole time. That means about 2500 nights together.

Is it Christmas that is making me dwell a bit too much in the past? Why do I focus so much on what I used to have instead of being here now? I always tell people that I miss the relationship more than I miss the actual person. But today I miss the actual person. A lot.

He was kinder and gentler with me than any man had ever been. He was the most handsome man I had ever seen, and I never truly understood why he was in love with me. I felt so lucky so much of the time. Even when I wanted to spend time away from him, I knew that he was the only one I wanted to go back home to and sleep with. His muscular body was beautiful to me. His deep rich voice was soothing.

I met M at a rehearsal for a musical we were both doing in Dallas, Texas. He joined the cast a week or so into rehearsals. When he walked in, I couldn't take my eyes of the tall dark-haired man with the strong jawline and beautiful dark eyes. I went up to him and said, "Welcome to the show," and our relationship began that day. We went out that very night with a large group. He told me he wanted to hold my hand that first night, but he couldn't because he was in a relationship.

When that relationship ended, he and I immediately began ours. Big mistake. But we were so happy and "in love". I will always remember the good things we shared. Our trip to New Mexico was like a honeymoon. Just love and adoration and contentment at being together. We exchanged rings under a pine tree on a snowy hillside in Santa Fe. Our mutual vow was, "I devote myself to you."

A year after our split, I still find myself having a hard time breaking my vow. There is a part of me that still considers myself "his partner". That is why I woke up this morning surprised to find myself alone in my bed. I used to move close to him at night when he slept just so I could listen to him breathe. I liked to move over to his side of the bed in the morning when he got up to shower, because I could feel his body warmth and smell him on the pillow. Waking up alone is a desolate feeling sometimes. Even more unsatisfying is sleeping with strangers. I have no desire to smell the pillow when they get out of my bed. I usually rip the sheets off and wash them as soon as possible.

I don't care what I get this Christmas. I really don't. I only know what I want for Christmas next year, and the year after that, and the year after that. When I find love again, it will most definitely be a powerful experience. I know for certain it will surpass what I have already known, because I can't settle for anything less than what I've had. It's kind of overwhelming to imagine a love that is even stronger, but I do believe in it.

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