Frequently, I receive questions from readers of Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven. I get the typical questions most bloggers usually get. "Why is your narcissism so out of control?" or "Don't you think Dr. Phil would look good dressed as a colonial patriot?" are two common themes. But the most frequently asked question is, "Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven, why don't you ever talk about your relationship with Angelina Jolie?"
Today, I will end the mystery once and for all. The following interview with Angelina Jolie was conducted yesterday afternoon on my yacht. The weather was lovely. Nobody shot at us the whole time, and a cool breeze blew in from the Atlantic Ocean, traveled across the vast continent, descended upon the Willamette Valley, and smacked us hard in the face as we reclined in Adirondack chairs sipping mimosas. (The chairs were not sipping mimosas. We were.)
Angelina looked smashing, as usual. She was wearing a bikini and fancy shoes (Tangelo Blahniks, I think). I looked smashed as usual. I wore a one piece with a cover-up and a plastic visor I got free with an oil change at Jiffy Lube. Angelina had a busy day, so, with a minimal amount of french kissing, we jumped right into the interview:
Angelina Jolie: Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven, what do you do for a living?
Hot Toddy: I try to eat every day and make sure I am breathing in air and drinking water. And I almost never drink anything from the bottles underneath the kitchen sink. Mostly 'cause The Handsome Prince put some kind of childproof lock on there, but even if he hadn't, I've learned my lesson.
AJ: No, Hot Toddy, not "how do you stay alive" - I meant, "What is your job"?
HT: Oh. Um. Hang on...
AJ: When you go to your office what do you do to get paid?
HT: Well, I go to my office. That' how I get paid. By going to the office.
AJ: But what assignments do you complete?
HT: I post about random stuff in my life. Sometimes I write these funny letters - like open letters to famous people and - -
AJ: No, besides blogging, what assignments do you complete?
HT: Something to do with policies. Writing policies?
AJ: You're asking me?
HT: Yes. Do I write policies?
AJ: I don't know.
HT: Then how do you expect me to know?
AJ: Because it's your job.
HT: Well, sorry, but I didn't know you were going to get all personal. I thought you were just going to ask me questions about which bloggers I've slept with.
AJ: So, which bloggers have you slept with?
HT: Don't you read my blog? It's all in there. You're just wasting my time now. I have to go answer e-mails.
AJ: Well, actually I do read your blog regularly. And I voted for you to win a Bloggie.
HT: Well, of course you did, dear.
AJ: Anyway, do you enjoy living in Portland?
HT: I'm actually thinking of moving. Today I woke up and realized I want to live in Minnesota. I have a good friend from college who lives there.
AJ: So, you would move all the way across the country to be close to your friend?
HT: Truth be told, I just need to find new dating prospects. As of Monday at 7 p.m., the Portland dating pool was officially tapped out for me. I have either slept with, made out with, cruised, flirted with, or professed my love to every available man in Portland. Oh, and most of the unavailable men too.
AJ: And they say I'm a slut.
HT: Do they? Why? What do you do?
AJ: Well, we're not here to talk about me...
HT: That's true. Anyway, you haven't asked me the most important question of all.
AJ: Let's get to it then.
HT: Angelina Jolie, the truth is, yes. Yes, I do think Dr. Phil would look really great dressed in a colonial patriot costume.
AJ: Thanks for your time, Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven.
HT: Damn. Where'd that breeze come from?