Not About The Oscars

When I was a kid I was often struck with fits of giggling. My family made me laugh without trying to, because they were so quirky. I remember being sent away from the dinner table at least three or four times a week, because I couldn't stop giggling. I always found something to laugh at, but we weren't allowed to laugh too much at the table. So I would sit in my room, where nothing at all was funny, and then come out thinking I had regained my composure. The moment I would sit down with my family, I would glance over at my goofy sister and start giggling. So I'd get up without being told and return to my room. Basically, I think that's what happened to me last night.

I had so much fun during The Oscars last night. But this post is not about the actual awards, because I didn't really see any of them. I realize that this is truly one of those "you had to be there" stories, but I'm going to attempt to set the scene anyway.

The Math Whiz invited me to join him to watch the awards in his room, so I brought in my butterfly chair and my bottle of whiskey and plopped down. I was chatty as we watched the show. This behavior was rather harmless at first. I don't think I distracted too much, but I probably should have been chatting at a bar instead of trying to watch television with my housemate. See, I had a couple vodka greyhounds in the afternoon, but then I switched to whiskey. Which is where the giggling comes in.

The Math Whiz is the best person to watch the Oscars with, because he knows all about who is married to whom. I had a whiskey as he told me about Hollywood couples. Then I had another drink as he listed previous nominees and answered my questions about which of this year's nominees had won in the past.

I had another whiskey as he told me he has only missed two Academy Awards ceremonies in his life. That total has risen to three now.

Have I set the scene for you? Are you already seeing how this is all going to end? For one of the viewers in this story, the Oscars is a lifelong ritual and means a hell of a lot to him. The other viewer is a drunken attention whore who just wants to laugh a lot.

The Handsome Prince wasn't watching with his boyfriend and me. He was in the living room entertaining his family, visiting from their ranch in eastern Oregon. Apparently, the main form of communication in eastern Oregon is yelling. They have so much land, I guess, so they have to shout across acres just to be heard. The Handsome Prince has a warm and loving family. They were probably encouraged to laugh at the dinner table. But when his family got too loud for us to hear the television last night, I reached over and kicked the door shut.

I guess the extra workouts I've been doing have made my legs a little stronger, because the door shut really hard. As soon as the door slammed, I realized how rude it sounded. I may as well have yelled, "Shut the fuck up," to the happy little ranch family gathered in our home. Being unintentionally rude made me laugh, for some reason.

"Sweetie!" said The Math Whiz. "That was so rude!" That made me laugh more. Being reprimanded doesn't always work with me. Usually it has the reverse effect of making me want to act up even more. Especially when the person reprimanding me smiles, which implies that they found my behavior slightly amusing.

Since the bedroom door had already been slammed shut, I reached over and slammed the closet door just to see what The Math Whiz would do. He was mortified. "Stop it! You're going to get me in trouble with my boyfriend," said The Math Whiz. But he sort of giggled when he said it, so that just encouraged me to act more childish.

I got up and opened the bedroom door again so I could slam it some more. Before I could slam it, The Handsome Prince came in to see why I was laughing so hard.

It was ridiculous, really. But just being so obnoxious released so much tension in my body. I was having the time of my life and was completely unaware of the stars parading across the stage to receive awards. Remember when Gilda Radner used to play a little girl in her bedroom slamming into walls on Saturday Night Live? That was pretty much me last night.

The Handsome Prince said they hadn't really noticed the door slamming. I'm not surprised, because they are the loudest family on the planet. Their voices should be taped and used for psychological warfare in the Middle East. However, this did not deter me. I couldn't stop slamming, because it was upsetting The Math Whiz to no end.

Finally he got up and hung a towel over the door and put shoes next to the door frame so I couldn't slam it anymore. That just made me giggle harder. Seeing him try to deal with a 6'6" 38 year old toddler was hilarious to me.

Finally I went out to apologize to the family. "I just wanted to say...um...*giggle* that I meant no offense *giggle* when I slammed the door on you people but..." I lost my head completely and bent over laughing. Then the family started laughing, which made me lose it even more. "I am very drunk right now," I announced.

Instead of getting in trouble, however, I was rewarded by laughter from everyone in the house. Then they all asked if they could have some of my whiskey. I think I am a good whiskey advertisement, frankly. So we all had a very nice time. I don't remember who won any of the awards after the first hour. But it was my favorite Academy Awards night ever.