There was a man at CC Slaughters last night who had a really hot penis.
When I am hot, the temperature normally rises through my entire body. But this poor older gentleman seemed to be suffering from regionalized heat. Only his penis was hot, so he pulled it out at the bar and sat there with it hanging from his jeans like a cocktail weenie only smaller. He had his coat on, so that is how I know only his penis was hot.
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Anyway, I debated the proper response to this poor old man with the hot penis. I considered approaching him and saying, "Sir, they have swizzle sticks at the bar if you need one," but decided against it. I just didn't think sarcasm was the right approach. I feel so sorry for old people who go to the bars looking for some action and think pulling out their gherkin is the way to get it.
Maybe I am just jealous. Now, I have never spoken about my own appendage on this blog, and I hesitate to do so now. But this is relevant to my story. My own penis, which does not have a clever name, is subject to significant size fluctuations. Am I being clear? Probably not, but I'm too embarrassed to continue.
Let's just say if my penis was hot and I pulled it out at a bar like that old guy last night, it would probably not be very impressive. However, if someone were to make me hot in that special way that many boys can, I may be more impressive than you would initially expect. Or maybe not. It depends. Apparently my claim of being too embarrassed to continue this topic of discussion was a lie. Don't be angry. I didn't realize I was lying to you until just now.
Help, I'm talking about my penis, and I can't stop typing.
What I am trying to say is that people who saw me in 10 Naked Men commented on my performance, not on my endowment. Of all the cast members, I was the only one who didn't have time to "fluff" before going onstage naked. I barely had time to rip off my clothes and put on the handcuffs and blindfold before being dragged out and thrown to my knees center stage.
By the way, if you are finding Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven because you googled "barely had time to rip off my clothes and put on the handcuffs and blindfold before being dragged out and thrown to my knees center stage", welcome! I hope you will find exactly what you were looking for here!
What is the point of this post? Well, if you can't clearly see the lesson I am trying to teach you, perhaps I should provide you with a short pithy phrase:
Don't judge an old man's penis by its size, but it is entirely acceptable to look away if he pulls it out at the bar.
That would make a good fortune for a fortune cookie, don't you think?