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Seething Cakes of Hatred

Making pancakes, as I learned at AP's birthday bash at the beach this weekend, is an unbelievably tedious chore. I don't know why I...

Monday, November 01, 2004


As we enter this season of thanksgiving, let us ponder our blessings. Let us contemplate the joys of our lives and focus on what we have rather than what we lack.

For example, I am thankful that no matter how bad my life may seem at times, I am most certainly not a candidate for ABC's Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.

Last night The Handsome Prince climbed into my bed and under my down comforter with me to watch the popular reality show. Last night we experienced the plight of The Ali Family. The mom lives with her two sons in a cramped attic. I am so thankful that I haven't had to sleep in an armchair for the last 12 years as she has. Although I did spend a night facedown on the sidewalk near the bar in Dallas, Texas one evening, that was my choice. I could have just as easily stumbled all the way to the alley behind the 7-11 and passed out there. But Lucy Ali had no options.

I can't watch this show without crying. Actually, I can't watch Candid Camera without crying, but that's beside the point. ABC dredges up the most tragic people and, in cooperation with Sears (Good life. Great Price), showers them with home improvement manna from heaven. Next week I will need a whole box of tissues to watch the story of the deaf parents who have a blind son. This show would drive me to drink if I wasn't already such a lush.

In addition to being thankful my life doesn't suck as much as the poor souls on this show, I'm thankful that Extreme Makeover: Home Edition was not around during World War II. Think about it. Ty Pennington, the buff but big-mouthed host of the show, opens every episode by shouting into a megaphone at the families huddled trembling in their homes. Had Ty Pennington and his noisy megaphone been around during World War II, this startling scenario would most likely have occurred:


Voice over describes how Otto, his wife, his children Anne & Margot and several friends and acquaintances have lived in squalor within a secret annex while hiding from the Nazis for over a year. The crew then demolishes the annex outfitting them with new furnishings, lots of bright sunny windows, a laptop for Anne so that she can blog, and maybe even a rooftop hot tub...

I know, I know. Now I've gone too far.

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