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Seething Cakes of Hatred

Making pancakes, as I learned at AP's birthday bash at the beach this weekend, is an unbelievably tedious chore. I don't know why I...

Tuesday, April 20, 2004


As a Libra with a Leo Moon and Gemini Ascendant (the soothing background music of Enya's Shepherd Moon begins playing softly...) I find myself often questioning my motives. Why do I do the things I do? And DAMN that Libra sense of fairness. Because not only do I question why I am doing things - I also have to worry about whether or not that makes everybody else on the planet happy.

I don't blog "for me". I blog for you. I am aware of your presence as my friends and my audience. That is why you will never see an "I am so tired today...not much to say" entry on this blog.

I didn't quit smoking for me. I quit smoking because someone I care about survived cancer and it felt like a slap in the face to him for me to keep smoking. I quit because, in my opinion, smoking makes me less attractive. I didn't quit because it makes me feel so good. Au contraire. Not smoking makes me want to punch people in the face.

I am not a vegetarian "for me". I don't eat this way for my health. I am a vegetarian because I love animals too much and feel too guilty to eat them. It's all about the animals.

I don't work out "for me" - okay, maybe that is one thing I do just for me. Sort of.

Lifting weights and running makes me feel confident and sexy and strong. The truth is, though, if I don't work out, I don't have sex. Not necessarily because I am "less desirable" but definitely because I am less confident. Which, in turn, makes me less desirable. Okay, maybe there are people who would find me desirable if I didn't work out. Maybe you are someone who is attracted to people who aren't confident, won't make eye contact and who wear baggy clothes and don't take care of themselves. If you are someone like that you would find me really HOT when I don't work out. You should totally cruise Ben & Jerry's. You'd be in heaven.

I think maybe I gained this incredible sense of "others" very early in life. My mom showed me a report card I brought home from Montessori school. I was four or five years old, and the report card said:

"Todd does not complete his assignments in class. He spends a great deal assisting the other students with their assignments. Perhaps if he applies himself to his own work rather than helping the other students, his performance will improve."

I sometimes tell this story to help people understand who I am. Unfortunately, I think I may be misleading people with this childhood anecdote. I have no memory of helping the other kids, but I know myself well enough to be honest about my motives. I didn't help those kids with their homework because I was a four year-old humanitarian.

I am positive I helped the other kids so they would like me. I really want to be liked. If I try too hard sometimes, I hope you'll cut me some slack. That is part of who I am.

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