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Wednesday, April 28, 2004

A to Z Emergencies

In approximately one week I will put on my sexiest underwear - no, wait, let's go commando...

In approximately one week I will put on my new jeans and board a plane headed for Cleveland. I feel really horrible about leaving my co-workers behind for a few days without my expertise. I am the guy everyone comes to in an emergency. I handle crisis after crisis every day. I stay calm during disasters, and I am the Floor Monitor for safety.

Okay, I'm not. Nobody in this office counts on me for anything except an occasional laugh. I provide no real service to this company. But lets pretend I am invaluable just for this one post.

I am sometimes amazed at the utter chaos in my office. So many people in my company seem to be completely unable to function or use common sense. I spent 45 minutes on the phone with a co-worker trying to explain to her how to minimize a window on her computer. She never did figure it out.

People will shout over cubicle walls to ask me a phone number, which I will then look up on the Internet. I always wonder why they can't think of that themselves.

I'm compiling emergency instructions to assist my co-workers in case problems "arise" while I'm working out with Patrick in Cleveland:

An A to Z List of Instructions for Handling Emergencies That Could Happen While Hot Toddy is Away

Apes Take Over the Office: No takeovers are permitted without advance notice. Send them away.

Bush Pilot Needs Love: Contact The Executive in case of horny bush pilots.

Committee Shows Up and Doesn't Have a Conference Room Reserved: Send them here.

Death: Todd can perform a funeral service (in addition to several other services) over the phone. If Todd does not answer his phone, store the dead body in the computer lab until he returns.

Employee is Sick and Needs Ambulance: Check phone book. Some numbers that you might normally ask Todd to provide can also be found there. If not, call information and get the number for 911.

Fire: Todd normally contacts him to put out fires. Since he will be dealing with other fires during this time, contact the fire department.

God, Acts of: Only Todd can deal with this situation. You're screwed.

Hazardous Materials Surface Somewhere in the building: Contact Addaboy for creative disposal of hazardous materials.

Itchy Eyes or Nose: Scratch nose or rub eyes. Warning - Do NOT scratch eyes!

Jewish Rabbi Asks to Meet with Todd: Please offer Jewish Rabbi a seat and ask him/her to wait.

King or Dictator Asks to Meet with Todd: Please offer King/Dictator a seat, a cup of coffee or tea, and ask him to wait. If King or Dictator is a hottie, give him Todd's cell.

Lease for Office Building Expires and Everyone is Evicted: Send everyone here.

Martian Invasion: A functional laser gun can be found in Todd's lower left desk drawer next to the lube.

Nicaraguan Guerillas Open Fire: Send Nicaraguan Guerillas here.

Obstacle Course Needs to Be Set Up Quickly: This emergency, although infrequent, does arise from time to time. Obstacle Course supplies are available from H/R.

Pornography is Found in the Building: Place in Todd's lower left desk drawer next to the lube. He will deal with it when he returns.

Queen or Empress Needs to Talk to Todd: All the Yum Yums know that Todd will be unavailable and can wait until he returns to talk to him.

Rats: Todd has spoken with Humane Society and arranged for immediate pickup. Call Humane Society directly.

Satan Arrives to Claim Souls for His Service: Direct Satan to my supervisor's office. She will service him.

Tarantulas: Do NOT kill. Please shoo them outdoors in a gentle and respectful manner.

Urgent Telephone Calls: Many phones are equipped with voice mail. Pen and paper can be used to jot down essential facts as well (who/what/when/where/why/how)

Vanished Pens, Pencils or Other Office Supplies: Most likely lost or dropped. Office supplies rarely vanish. In a pinch, borrow a like item from someone else until Todd returns to help you find yours.

Witches: Please tell any witches on the premises that we already have a subcontractor providing our sorcery needs at this time. Further information on witches can be found here.

Xerox Machine Broken: Turn Xerox off. Turn Xerox on. If this doesn't remedy the situation, leave documents on Todd's desk and he will copy them by hand when he returns.

Y2K: Already happened. No big deal.

Zambian Refugees Begging for Food: Vending machines available in the breakroom.

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