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Seething Cakes of Hatred

Making pancakes, as I learned at AP's birthday bash at the beach this weekend, is an unbelievably tedious chore. I don't know why I...

Friday, May 14, 2004


This morning I sat in a conference room with a bunch of weird ugly people I work with. The lady next to me stretches a lot and gives us astounding views of her large belly when her rose print polyester shirt lifts up. She also draws big arched eyebrows on her forehead with some sort of rust-colored eyebrow pencil even though her hair is a dirty blonde. And by dirty blonde I mean dirty. And blonde.

Another woman in our conference room was wearing her Sasson sweatshirt for the second day in a row. She has spikey gray Pat Benatar hair. She does not know it is 2004 yet. I am waiting for her to show up with leg warmers and an off-the-shoulder Flashdance shirt.

Also in attendance was Ed. Ed has short hair and an earring. He also has a single braid that goes halfway down his back, but he obviously leaves the braid in for several days and his hair becomes a matted mess. Ed also talks in an extremely loud nasal voice, so now at work I have to listen to music through what I've dubbed my "Edphones".

During the meeting about audit points and information technology security, I contributed by sitting quietly and thinking about television. That is what I bring to the table at my company.

I began thinking about Piper, Phoebe and Paige. They are "The Charmed Ones". Prue used to be a Charmed One, but she is dead just like the career of the actress who played her.

If I were a Charmed One, I would most certainly use my powers for personal gain.

It occurred to me in the meeting that I would very much like to have the magic power of making people's heads explode. Piper can also explode things, but my explosions would be bigger and louder with more blood involved. Paige can "orb" in and out of places. Phoebe can dress like a slut.

If I were a Charmed One, I would be able to supplement the vanquishing capabilities of the sisters nicely. I would even change my name to something that starts with a "P" for consistency.

As the fourth Charmed One, Preston, I would also have an ability to make people fall in love with me. If there were a particularly hot demon or warlock, I would cast a lust spell on him, and he would be too obsessed with me to act on his evil impulses. Unless I wanted him to act on some evil impulses with me naked in bed. Which I would totally want.

The power of three will set you free, but the power of four will get you laid more.

Another power I would have would be casting a forgetfulness spell. First I would cast the spell on the good people at Sallie Mae so they would forget how much I owe them for my student loan.

Preston (Me): Here is a check for $4.35, Sallie Mae.

Sallie Mae: Oh, do you owe us $4.35?

Preston: Actually, I owe you $5.00, but I am going to send you the rest of it next month.

Sallie Mae: Okay! I hope we don't forget to send your statement!

Preston: Don't worry, I am very honest. I will remember to send it to you.

My final "active power" would be the ability to intimidate people by glaring at them. Oh, wait. I forgot. I already have that power.

1 comment:

BillabongSally said...

Dude that was way to funny. I am a Charmed fanatic myself and to know that I am not alone in being a dork makes me feel better. HaHa