Featured Post

Seething Cakes of Hatred

Making pancakes, as I learned at AP's birthday bash at the beach this weekend, is an unbelievably tedious chore. I don't know why I...

Tuesday, May 18, 2004

Open Letter to Venus

Dear Venus, Goddess of Love,

I fucking hate you, you bitch.

You are ruining my life, and I never asked you to be my fucking ruling planet. Don't those of us unfortunate enough to be born under the sign of Libra have enough problems without being ruled by love? We can't make decisions about where to eat dinner. But in decisions regarding spending tons of money we always say yes. We're fickle and can't deal with conflict and have an overwhelming need to be liked.

Venus, Goddess of Love, I just wish sometimes that I could be like those materialistic Taureans or those abrasive Aries who always think they are right. Instead of obsessing over boys, I could be obsessing over Pottery Barn catalogs or arguing with Pottery Barn sales clerks. Instead I walk around Pottery Barn penniless (since Librans repel money) and stare at the hot male customers wondering what kind of furniture we will buy when we fall in love and move into our loft.

You make me crazy, Venus, Goddess of Love. I am tired of falling head over heels for anybody who buys me a drink, drunk dials me or makes me tater tots. I am sick of checking the "Chance Meeting" section of the personals to see if somebody saw me at a coffee shop and wants to go out with me. If I ever hear a country love song that doesn't make me cry, I'll be amazed. You are ruining my life you dumb goddess.

Oh, and what is the deal with making me susceptible to flattery, you whore? Don't you know that gay men will say anything to get laid? It's bad enough you make us poor Librans feel like we are nothing without a relationship, but then you go and curse us with the inability to discern flattery from truth?

Hey, you big cow, I just checked my horoscope. What is this about my feelings being more intense with the new moon (starting Wednesday). Great, thanks. That is exactly what I need. MORE INTENSE feelings. Cause I surely am not intense enough. Just ask anybody I've proposed to after dating for a week.

I'm not sure what other tortures you have in store for me, Venus, Goddess of Love. But whatever you do, I'm sure it will be sadistic. I'll bet you're going to make me fall for a Leo. That would be just like you.

So my birthstone is a blue sapphire, huh? I wish I had one. I'd throw it at your pretty little forehead. If you weren't immortal, I would kill you.

Love (damn it - love again!)

No comments: