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Wednesday, May 26, 2004

Jann Arden

The first time I saw Jann Arden - well, the ONLY time I saw her - was at Trees in Dallas, Texas. I went with CT, and I will never forget that date with him. His brown eyes looking into mine, his strong arms, his smile. Oh, and Jann was beautiful and funny and sang like an angel.

Jann's song "Insensitive" was the one CT and I were listening to the first time we kissed. We had been comparing notes on our respective relationships, and how we felt that our current boyfriends weren't really giving us their hearts. So we discovered our feelings for each other. The night ended with trembling and kissing and hopes of a possible future for us.

Years later, CT and I split. Jann has been with me through the beginnings and endings of so many relationships. Lately this song has been playing in my car and in my mind a lot:

The Sound Of
by Jann Arden
Commentary (cool! like on a DVD!!) by Hot Toddy

No I will not lay down
I will not live my life like a ghost in this town
I am not lonely swear to God I'm just alone
I'm back on my feet
I can just close my eyes and forget everything
My house is empty every memory blown away

I love the resolution in this first verse. I will not lay down and live my life like a ghost...and sometimes going out to the clubs and seeing CT reminds me that I am living this song. I am not sitting at home avoiding running into him. I am proud to be surrounded by friends and laughing and enjoying myself whether I run into him or not. Hey, Portland is my town too.

It is so tempting, when someone rejects your love or leaves your life, to curl up in a ball and give up. I have been tempted to do that recently. No more dates. No more putting myself out there. I will become invisible. Like a ghost. But making the decision to keep trying is so important and brings strength of character. Or so I tell myself.

Even though the lyrics claim otherwise, you can tell that this person really IS lonely. But she is telling everyone that she is not lonely...just alone, because it is pathetic to be lonely, isn't it? I do this all the time. "I love being single. I love my life..." We all want love so much. We want that person beside us who loves us as we are and makes us feel less lonely. But the truth is we are all so lonely. Okay, I won't project anymore. Maybe "we" are not "all" lonely. But, I am lonely sometimes. Not just alone. I mean lonely.

As I said yesterday, sometimes it seems appealing to just close your eyes and forget everything. Not in an ADD "oops, I left the burner on again" sort of way, but in, like, a cleansing start over sort of way.

Oh the sound of the wind through my bones makes me laugh
at all the bodies I kissed and never knew
Oh the sound of a lover's sympathy falling down to the floor
just barely out of reach from me

After you're rejected, sometimes you go and kiss bodies you don't know. Okay, again, I'm projecting. I don't mean "you". I mean "me". If you are Hot Toddy, sometimes you kiss a lot of bodies. And the sympathy of your ex-lover is no comfort at all. "You'll find someone! Don't worry," does not help at all when coming from the object of your affections. No, in fact, it makes one feel, again, rather pathetic. Oh Jann, baby, sing to me!

No I will not go back
every word that's been hiding inside of my head is running blindly
look behind me nothing's left
I can sit in a room
I can hear myself breathing and be quite amused
life is simple like the wrinkles on my skin

Is it ever simple to be alive? To me it seems complex and my mind will not shut off. Is it really possible to sit in a room alone and hear yourself breathing and be content? Not for me. Not yet. I don't have that zen mindset. I need to be with someone I can share with. I wish I didn't need other people so much, but at this point I do. I haven't learned to be content without connections to others.

Oh the sound of the wind through my heart makes me glad
for all the ones that never knew my name
Oh the sound of a lover's sympathy
I had to go could not stay here
they were always out of reach from me

I am not sure I am glad for all the lovers that never knew my name...that is so sad to me. Sometimes it is so true. I remember one morning last summer when I actually looked in a guy's wallet while he was in my shower so that I would know his name when he came out of the bathroom. Sometimes I laugh at these stories as I tell them. Sometimes, they make me cry.

This has been an introspective week. I'm not funny lately. I'm sorry. Don't leave me.

I had a great idea for a blog entry that seemed hilarious to me this morning. In this highly humorous entry, I would create a crazy scene in which a theatre rehearsal was conducted as if it were a softball game. It was so funny as I woke from my sleep this morning, and I knew it was comedy gold. Then I had a cup of coffee, drove to work, and realized it was the dumbest blog idea ever.

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