Birthday Backtrack

Last night I downed a couple vodka tonics, had a piece of german chocolate cake, and perused a copy of Men's Fitness. I began reading an article about workouts for middle-aged men. Apparently, men in their midlife need to allow more rest between workouts than guys in their twenties. This upset me.

I'm not opposed to time off between workouts. Actually, I would love to stick to a "one day on, six days off" workout program. And if I ever find a fitness magazine that recommends sips of Maker's Mark between sets, I'm buying a lifetime subscription. I have no issue with allowing my body extra recovery time between workouts. I do, however, take issue with the idea that I am middle-aged. Frankly, I need some stress relief.

In exactly one month, I'll turn 38. This is unacceptable. According to Jessica Simpson, turning 38 means I am almost in my mid 30's. But, wait, I don't look 38. Due to my Norwegian background (thanks, Mom) I look significantly younger than my years. I still get carded when I go to a new bar, and I haven't even thought about using skin care products yet (okay, technically, I just thought about it - but only because I was typing "skin care products" just now).

So that you can accurately wish me happy birthday in a month, I wanted to give you plenty of time to search for the perfect "Happy 28th" birthday card. That's right. I've decided that on October 8, I will be 28. Everybody got that? 28.

Why have I decided to reduce my age by 10 years? There are lots of reasons:

1. If I am 28, I can stay out late at CC Slaughters on a school night.

2. If I am 28, I will hang out with people in their early thirties and realize they are more responsible than I am.

3. If I am 28, I can drink lots of Maker's Mark and not get really bad hangovers.

4. If I am 28, I can date guys my own age. Like, 27, or something.

5. If I am 28, I will watch television shows aimed at a younger demographic. (Hello, MTV's Real World - I'm talking to YOU)

6. If I am 28, I can quote "my peers". People like Jessica Simpson.

7. If I am 28, I can blog about boys and fly across the country to meet boys and write plays about boys and obsess about boys.

8. If I am 28, I can owe tons of money on my student loan and still not feel guilty about buying silly stuff like CDs or the complete Little House on the Prairie tv series.

9. If I am 28, I can spend hours with my Playstation2.

10. If I am 28, I can refuse to learn how to cook.

Doesn't life as a 28-year-old sound fun? I can't wait to see what 29 brings!