Featured Post

Seething Cakes of Hatred

Making pancakes, as I learned at AP's birthday bash at the beach this weekend, is an unbelievably tedious chore. I don't know why I...

Thursday, September 30, 2004

Channel Surfing Through My Mind

I hope you'll watch the debate this evening. There is a good chance Kerry and Shrub will be discussing the issue of the new design for Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven.

SHRUB: Hot Toddy's putrid orange theme must be brought back!

KERRY: Wrong again, Dumb Ass. The new design is a significant improvement and a step in the right direction for all Americans.

Well, maybe they won't actually discuss my blog in the debate. Believe it or not, I am often accused of having an overinflated sense of self importance. I've mostly been accused of this by people who are less important than I am, so their opinion really counts for nothing.

Maybe the candidates will at least make mention of yet another exciting new facelift!

Well, at any rate. I don't want to talk about the debate. I've changed my mind. Enough about boring politics. Let's talk about more important things like Heinz Ketchup.

No, I think we've talked about ketchup enough, haven't we? Oh, I know. How about if I tell you about two interesting cell phone conversations!

Yesterday, Auburn Pisces told me about her attempt to call me to make arrangements to join her at a lesbian bar in town. Instead, she accidentally called my housemate/best friend/tormentor, The Handsome Prince.

Because Auburn Pisces and I work together, we find it necessary to cover for one another so our bitch troll from hell supervisor doesn't know our whereabouts. Yesterday, I was over at the fitness center working my back and biceps, because I'm really wanting to look good for my upcoming trips to Los Angeles and New York. But that's not really important for you to know because it has nothing to do with the story. By the way, I had forgotten my gym shoes, so I was wearing my ugly brown work shoes with my (silver) shorts and t-shirt, and I looked really stupid, but it's not really a cruisy gym since it is actually a corporate fitness center, so it's not like I'm going to meet a hot guy or anything, besides I really am not looking to meet anyone right now, but that's not really the point either.

Anyway, although my calendar claimed I was in a meeting, I was, in actuality, working out at 3:00 p.m. Auburn Pisces wanted to see if I could leave early to go to the bar. She thought she was calling me on my cell, but she had accidentally called my home phone and woke THP from his nap. He was home sick.

That was an exhausting set-up for this story, by the way. I barely have the strength to tell it now, but I'll muddle through somehow in the off chance that one of my readers has actually managed to make it this far through today's post.

Here is an actual transcript of the conversation, which I obtained through FBI records because my phone is tapped for reasons I can't discuss. I'm not even really supposed to tell people that phone calls to my house are being recorded, but I don't think anyone from the FBI reads this. But anyway, here is the conversation:

THE HANDSOME PRINCE: *cough* Hello? *cough*, *tremble*, *moan*

AUBURN PISCES: What are you doing?

THP: I was sleeping.

AP: Sleeping? I thought you were "in a meeting" right now?

THP: No, I'm at home. Sleeping.

AP: You went home!?

THP: No, I didn't go home. I've been here all day.

AP: No you haven't.

THP: Yes, I have.

AP: No, you haven't.

THP: Yes I - - who is this?

AP: Toddy, it's Auburn Pisces.

THP: Oh, Auburn Pisces, this is The Handsome Prince.

AP: Oh, I was trying to call Hot Toddy on his cell.

THP: You called his house. But when you reach him, tell him I said hello.

AP: Okay. Bye, The Handsome Prince.

THP: Bye, Auburn Pisces. Hey, do you think it's okay to call each other by our real names?

AP: No, I think Hot Toddy wants us to always use the names he calls us on Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven, The Handsome Prince.

THP: Okay. See you later Auburn Pisces.

Auburn Pisces did finally reach me. Shortly thereafter, I received a message from Pony saying he would die if he didn't see me soon because it had been nearly 24 hours since he last held me in his arms. Or something like that. So I returned his call.

HOT TODDY: Pony, come be a lesbian with me! We're going to the Egyptian Club for drinks.

PONY: Okay, Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven. I am on my way. Anything you want.

HT: (speaking to a car trying to pull out in front of him) Go ahead, little blue car. (To Pony) There is a blue car pulling out. I think it is a volks - no - that's not the word. It's a station wagon! A station wagon!

P: You don't know what kind of car it is. Admit it.

HT: It is a station wagon or something. It has a logo on the front with stars and a cross.

P: That's a Subaru.

HT: You're good. So, come to the bar, you big dyke. See you there!

In light of the confusion, it's a wonder we all managed to meet up at the bar. Ms. Karma joined us too. Her mom also came to be a lesbian with us and bought our drinks. So Mama Karma is now one of my favorite people.

But I don't want to talk about the bar anymore. Or phone calls. Let's talk about the debate. Or did we already do that? Is Survivor on tonight?

The preceding post was brought to you by Attention Deficit Disorder. Confusing Hot Toddy and anyone who listens to him since 1966.

No comments: