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Wednesday, September 15, 2004

Relationship Rules

Juju and Metro return from Tokyo tomorrow. It will be great to see them, and I'm looking forward to some therapy from Juju. She always gives me the best advice.

It has been difficult to navigate my way through the murky waters of my mind without Juju's input, but I think I've done okay. I actually worked up some guidelines for relationships yesterday while having coffee with Ms. Karma.

It all started when Ms. Karma tried to give me some relationship advice. "Make him feel guilty!" she said.

"That is the single most destructive piece of advice I've ever heard," I answered. "And it cracks me up," I added. We decided to compose some other rules for building great relationships, and, behold, a new blog entry was born.

So, without further ado annie, here are Hot Toddy and Ms. Karma's Rules for Relationships...

Make Him Feel Guilty
There is no way to get someone to do what you want unless you use guilt or sex. You can use guilt to get sex. And sometimes you can use sex to feel guilt, depending on your value system.

Keep Score
Who set up the last date? Who initiated physical contact last time? Did he take your hand, or did you take his? Is it his turn to call? Did he link you in his blog yesterday?

Let it Fester
"What's wrong?"
Be sure to look away after you say "nothing" to maximize the fester effect.

Never Forgive. Never Forget.
What's done is done. It can never be erased or forgiven. In fact, you should dwell on every little mistake or transgression for all eternity.

Nag and Rehash
In addition to remembering wrongs for all time, make sure to bring them up a lot. Use the powerful tool of your nagging voice to remind him of your presence, your needs, your desires, and all the ways he has failed you in the past.

Compare Him to Your Ex
If your Ex was better at something, make sure he knows this.
If your Ex mistreated you in any way, make sure he knows that he reminds you of your Ex when he does those things.

Find his "Hidden Meaning"
Everything he says to you has a hidden meaning. It is your job to second guess every action and interpret every word so that you can figure out his hidden agenda. Taking people at face value is foolish. Trust no one.

Take Everything Personally
If he says he is too tired to go out dancing, it is because he's ashamed to be seen with you.

Investigate. Interrogate. Confiscate.
Background checks can be expensive. If you find yourself lacking funds to hire a detective, at least do your own legwork. Google him, talk to his friends, his enemies. Get all the dirt. Don't forget to ask him questions about everything he's ever done and everyone he's ever done. Confiscate his mail, especially his cell phone bill, and research his activities. If possible, kidnap him and take him to an evil scientist who will remove his memories and play them on a video screen for you. Don't let him have any secrets. Above all, break into his apartment (unless you trick him into giving you his keys while you "take care of his cat for him") and read his journal.

Pursue HIS life. Not yours.
In order to have a successful relationship, you must give up everything for him. Stop hanging out with your friends. Don't pursue any outside interests unless they are his. How else are you going to be able to spend every waking moment with him? How else are you going to be able to keep tabs on him?

Be Dramatic. Let Emotion Reign Supreme.
Crying, wailing, threatening suicide and breaking stuff are the building blocks of effective communication. Your job is to get him to notice you. Always, always take your Academy Award moment. People don't win Oscars for discussing things rationally.

Mark your Territory
It is crucial that you maintain physical contact in public so that everyone knows you are together. Leave your possessions at his house. If he won't wear the t-shirt you bought him that proclaims "Property of Hot Toddy" - or whatever your name happens to be, at least make sure he gets a tattoo of your name somewhere on his body. Preferably his forehead.

Juju will be so proud of me for coming up with these rules. I wouldn't want to get too dependent on her advice. And, Pony, if you're reading this...it's time for you to call me to check in.

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