You Gotta Work It - Part One

I wasn't looking for a commitment. Can't we just take it one day at a time? I don't want to make any long term plans with you. Let's just enjoy the moment, okay? I can't even promise to be faithful.

In spite of the fact that I've said those things ever since I began this relationship, today is...gasp...my five-year anniversary with my employer.

Five years? How did I commit to this job for five years? My professional track record indicates that I am a free spirit. I always fancied myself as someone who can't be tied down. As evidence, I present you with my jobs since college graduation (1990)- Part One...

Joseph-Beth Booksellers - Lexington, Kentucky
I was a bookseller with the responsibility of overseeing the Religious and Occult sections. I was given those particular categories because nobody else who worked there knew anything about the Bible, not because of my service to Satan. That came later.

Why it rocked: Free coffee. We could drink wine on Friday nights in the employee breakroom. I had sex in the bathroom once too.

Why it sucked: The pay was lousy, and the Christian and Occult books were in the same section, so I had to break up arguments between customers debating spiritual issues.

Winn-Dixie Supermarkets - Lexington, Kentucky
After three days of stacking boxes in the meat freezer, I never went back.

Why it sucked: You need to read the last sentence again.

Why it rocked: It didn't.

Structure/Express - Lexington, Kentucky
I worked in the stock room shared by Structure and Express.

Why it rocked: French music and commercials played in the stockroom, and I didn't have to deal with customers.

Why it sucked: I don't even like to hang up clothes at home, so why would I want that to be my job?

The Salvation Army - Washington, DC
I was the Special Events Director and Volunteer Coordinator.

Why it rocked: One perk was participating in a brass band and getting to go on a tour of Scandinavia. We also had free snacks at our two coffee breaks as well as free lunch every day.

Why it sucked: Since this was a religious organization, I had to sneak up to the roof to smoke. I found a great place to stash porn in the office, though. I wonder if I left anything behind when I left?

Heritage Court Reporting - Washington, DC
I was a court reporter and also transcribed the proceedings for 93 cents per page.

Why it rocked: I mostly worked at the US Court of Claims and the Securities and Exchange Commission. Most of the cases were dull, but sometimes it was interesting and one of the judges looked just like Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. If the attorneys spoke quickly, I was getting paid tons of money for transcribing the proceedings.

Why it sucked: The attorneys didn't speak quickly, so making good money was difficult. I corrected grammar in the court transcripts for the nice lawyers, but if they were rude to me I would capture every incorrect grammatical phrase they uttered and put it in the transcripts.

National Cooperative Bank - Washington, DC
After about six months as a court reporter, I decided to try working for a temp service. For the next several years I worked a series of short-term assignments in which I learned valuable skills (how to break into other people's voice mail and listen to their messages) and performed important duties (scratching ink marks off legal contracts with a paper clip). The stint at National Cooperative Bank (NCB) had something to do with real estate, I think.

Why it rocked: A cute gay guy worked in the NCB file room, and I liked flirting with him even though I was still in the closet.

Why it sucked: At about this time, I decided I wanted to be a professional actor and turned down a generous job offer from NCB so that I could pursue my dream of making less than $5000 a year.

Those first six jobs were all held within the first three years after I graduated from Asbury College. In 1993, my whole life changed as a result of my involvement with The International Church of Christ (Boston Movement). My already erratic employment history was about to get even crazier. Stay tuned for Part Two...