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Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Life in Bed

After my wonderful housemate, The Handsome Prince, prepared dinner for me last night, I sat in bed feeling full and happy and watching the episode of The Ellen Degeneres Show I had taped earlier. THP made pesto pasta and garlic bread. It was carb heaven. Have you ever realized how lazy you feel after eating lots of carbs? It has been so cold lately, but my down comforter kept me toasty warm. I thought about how much I love my bed, and I've decided I'm never leaving it again.

Before I went to sleep, I moved the coffee maker next to my bed. I also made sure to stock filters and beans. I brought a pitcher of water into my room so it would be handy for making coffee in the morning. I got a clean mug and set it on my nightstand. Then I realized I would also be hungry for breakfast in bed, so I brought my toaster oven and a loaf of bread into my room. I placed them on the bookshelf next to my bed. I lovingly placed butter and jam into a small cooler right by the bookshelf.

The bedpan slides right under my bed, so that won't be a problem. And a small washbasin on the floor next to the cooler will ensure proper hygiene afterwards. I had to put my computer at the food of the bed, which is fine as long as I am careful not to thrash around too much in my sleep.

Since there was room next to my nightstand, I brought my dumbbells into my room and put them on the floor so I can work out in bed. My cell phone will keep me in touch with the outside world until spring as long as I remember to plug it into the charger every night. The charger is in the outlet next to my bed.

I was supposed to go sing karaoke tonight, but all my friends were very understanding when I explained to them that I am no longer leaving my bed. They will arrive at about 8:30, and we'll have a potluck in my bed. I requested only white wine since my sheets are white and I don't want red wine stains all over my new home.

When I called my boss and told him I was bed-ridden, he sent flowers. There was no room for them next to my bed due to the coffee maker, toaster oven, dumbbells and cooler, so I put the flowers under my pillow. This was a brilliant plan. Now it smells like I am in the countryside as I snuggle in bed. I realize that saying I was bed-ridden may be bending the truth. You may think I am dishonest, but I am.

My grandmother's funeral will be videotaped this weekend so I can view it from bed. My mother pretended to be upset by screaming and yelling at me and calling me a lazy wretch. But I know she understands how comfortable my bed is. No, that didn't come out right. My mother has never been in my bed. I just mean that she is a perceptive woman who can appreciate my need for comfort. I tried to reassure my mother that I will probably leave my bed for her funeral, but this was a grandparent. Not a parent. She threatened to disown me. Such an actress, my mother.

Besides, the funeral is way across the country. I have a date on Friday night and can't leave Portland or my room right now. My date was really happy to hear that we would for sure spend some time in bed together on our date. I hope he won't be disappointed when he realizes that's all we're doing.

Some of you ambitious go-getter types who don't live in your bed will probably try to lecture me. Don't waste your time. I don't feel bad about this decision to spend my life in bed. Not one bit. Why would my bed be so comfortable and warm if I weren't meant to live in it?

Did you vote today? Remember, I'm bed-ridden.

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