Featured Post

Seething Cakes of Hatred

Making pancakes, as I learned at AP's birthday bash at the beach this weekend, is an unbelievably tedious chore. I don't know why I...

Friday, January 14, 2005

Mayo Tramps

I recently met this tramp online who insists that ketchup is not to be used on hot dogs. Now, I'm usually a very peace-loving person, but this woman is pissing me off. I am trying to keep my cool, but am not succeeding. She and I are currently arguing back and forth via e-mail. Tonight I am going to pretend to be her and phone in an order for 12 pizzas. I can be a force to be reckoned with, I'm warning you.

It seems Trampy has a problem with my ketchup usage. It was horribly upsetting to her to find out I put ketchup on pizza. Heinz ketchup. It has to be Heinz.

Why is it strange to put ketchup on pizza? It is a tomato-based condiment, much like the tomato sauce used in making pizza (only tastier). And when I put ketchup on burritos, I'm just enhancing the salsa.

When I put ketchup on corn, it is like adding diced tomatoes to corn, only the tomatoes are pureed and add a nice texture to the corn.

When I put ketchup on veggie chicken nuggets, it is like using an extremely mild barbecue sauce.

Ketchup on garlic bread is like bruschetta. Ketchup on macaroni and cheese brings out the cheese flavor, somehow. Ketchup is kinda magic, if you didn't know. You can use ketchup on anything, and it will taste better.

I have a fantasy that someday I will find a weirdo nice guy who will let me lick ketchup off his body. If the nice guy turns out to be The Rock, we don't have to use Heinz ketchup. Any ketchup will do. I don't care if we use foil packets of Hunt's ketchup. Or we can even use catsup, whatever the hell that is. Actually, we can use anti-freeze. If I'm licking anything off The Rock, I will be a happy man.

It's almost over. I guess voting continues until January 17, so this may be the last time you have to watch me pathetically beg for votes. Just so you know, my mother said I have to move out of her basement if I don't win.

No comments: