Living the Cause

Oh, sweet Jesus. What am I doing in this company I work for?

One of the basic tenets of our company is that employees should live and own the cause. Whatever "the cause" is, I'm certain it is not my cause. I am not going to live it. I can't even bear to be associated with most of the people in this company. If you could read just one issue of our company newsletter, you would understand why.

In the past couple of weeks two of our employees have had to be saved from choking to death. Not one. Two. One employee used the Heimlich maneuver on Annette, who was choking on a potato chip. I question the reporter's judgment in breaking this story. If you were Annette, or anyone who can't eat potato chips properly, would you want this story published in your company newsletter? I don't know her personally, but I'm relatively sure Annette would not want to be introduced to her coworkers as "that lady who chokes on potato chips". Yet, that's exactly the introduction our company newsletter provides poor Annette. On the other hand, I have decided I definitely want to get to know Heimlich Maneuver Master Andy, who saved her life. He would be a good lunch date, don't you think?

The second employee, Bonnie, who nearly choked to death was reported as having "an obstruction in her throat" and was saved by quick-thinking Judy. I find it curious that Annette's throat obstruction was clearly identified as a potato chip while the cause of Bonnie's throat obstruction is intentionally omitted. This is rather damning evidence that Bonnie probably choked on a paper clip or container of Wite-Out while working at her desk. Even our diligent newsletter reporter didn't have the heart to tell us what Bonnie choked on. Must have been pretty embarrassing.

Speaking of embarrassing, a memo recently came out to all employees requesting that we carefully check the bathroom area before exiting to ensure that we haven't left behind any "foreign substance or offensive items". I refuse to contemplate what horrible occurrence initiated this communication. The memo ended, "Stuff happens".

Clearly, I can't align myself with the employees of this company, and I refuse to be a part of our cause, let alone live it. My friend at work, Ms. Karma, however, is definitely on board with living the cause. Yesterday she had a mishap at the airport. She was holding her boarding pass and went to brush her hair out of her eyes. Unfortunately, she cut her eye with her boarding pass and couldn't come into the office today.

Looks like I might have to brush up on my Heimlich maneuver just in case Ms. Karma ever needs me.