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Monday, January 31, 2005

Michael's Jury

Jury selection began for Michael Jackson's trial today. Initially, the defense just wanted to pull people from outside the courthouse. They seemed partial to people holding signs saying, "Michael Does Not Love Pretty Young Things No Matter What His Song Claims!!!". People screaming Michael's name and crying as he passed by were of particular interest to the defense.

To ensure a fair selection process, a survey is being handed out to the jury today. Because I was willing to compromise my integrity, (hoping, actually, not just willing) I was able to get my hands on one of these surveys. We already know the defense will be looking for jurors who answer "red leather zipper jacket" to Question #37: What is the most timeless fashion statement ever?

But what sorts of answers are the prosecutors looking for? In keeping with the hard-hitting news you've come to expect from Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven, here are a few of the questions potential jurors must answer and the appropriate responses that will earn them a seat in the jury:

Q: Who is the King of Pop?
Prosecution's Desired Answer (PDA) "Dr. Pepper" or "Mountain Dew"

Q: Is it wrong to commit lewd acts and try to hide the crime?
PDA: If the acts are not being committed on Iraqi soldiers, Yes.

Q: What song do you hope Michael sings first?
PDA: This is a trial. Not a concert. (But if he is going to sing, I prefer something from "Off the Wall".

Q: What is the most evil act committed so far this century (besides what MJ probably did)?
PDA: Superbowl Wardrobe Malfunction

Q: Have you ever had cosmetic surgery?
PDA: No. It's wrong.

Q: What is your profession if you're wearing a surgical mask?
PDA: Child Molester or Surgeon, but probably Child Molester.

Q: Do you think "Finding Neverland" will win an Oscar?
PDA: I don't watch porn.

Q: If guilt were a wardrobe color, what color would it be?
PDA: White

Q: Complete these lyrics...
"It's close to midnight, and something evil's lurking in the dark. Under the moonlight, you see a sight that almost stops your heart. You try to scream, but terror takes the sound before you make it. You start to freeze as horror looks you right between the eyes, you're paralyzed. 'Cause this is ____________"
PDA: Michael Jackson

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