I went with Auburn Pisces to her brother's funeral last week. Although her ex-husband clearly hated me because I was the date of his ex-wife, the rest of the family made me feel welcome.
So, after receiving a drunken invitation from Auburn Pisces' burly brother, Bobby, I've decided to become part of her family. This will mean that Susan, my new ex sister-in-law, will be making appearances at Vortex parties wearing dark-colored hose in an unsuccessful attempt to cover the track marks on her legs. My new cousin, Candy, will be bringing me her special recipe for Beef Mound. She was very eager that I try her beef mound after the funeral last Friday. She called it a cheese ball. But it was really just a mound of cheese the size of a bowling ball covered with dried beef. I managed to swallow a couple beef-laden cheese chunks without gagging, which made Candy very happy.
Drunk Bobby made me hang out with the family. For some reason, he was unable to focus on anything other than my height. "Who is that tall mother fucker?!" he yelled at me across the yard. "We met earlier," I said, my voice trembling as he pushed his face closer and closer to mine. "I work with your sister at Company X." Bobby moved even closer. "My sister don't work at Cormparny X," he slurred.
"Oh," I answered. "Where does she work?"
"I don't know," he said.
"Well, maybe she doesn't work with me at Company X. But she is at my office every day when I go there."
Auburn Pisces stood across the yard chatting with her 300 brothers and sisters and their wives and ex-wives and husbands and ex-husbands. I silently pleaded with her to come over and save me. She says she can "feel me" when I need her. Apparently she had her feeler on mute, cause she wasn't paying me any attention. I know her brother just died, and she had other things on her mind. But I was starting to fear it would be a double funeral with Hot Toddy as the special guest dearly departed if she didn't do something fast.
"Get up here in the yard and quit hanging out by the street. You're part of the family now," bellowed Drunk Bobby. I felt self-conscious in my funeral clothes. Bobby was wearing a ripped Harley-Davidson shirt and jeans. I was in a blazer with dark slacks and a turtleneck. I felt like people were whispering, "Who's the city boy?"
I was so uncomfortable. When Bobby singled me out for the twelfth time and shouted "Who's that tall mother fucker? I may have to kick his ass!", I leaned over to AP's sister and said, "Why am I the center of attention? I am trying so hard not to be." She just laughed and said, "poor baby."
I frantically telepathed my thoughts to AP. "Save me. Save me." By this time I guess she had put on her aluminum foil hat to shut out my energy, cause it was clear I was on my own.
Or was I?
All of a sudden, I heard angels from the heavens singing a Hawaiian love song. A sea of Harley-Davidson t-shirts parted, and out stepped one of the most beautiful men I've ever seen. Keoni. Sweet, beautiful Keoni, also known as "The Reason I Was Meant To Be At This Funeral" - well, that and the comfort of course. I mean, mostly I was there for my friend - um - whats-her-face. I'm sure she was holding up just fine, wherever she was. But I wondered if Keoni, visiting from Hawaii, was okay. I just felt his energy, and he seemed so sad and horny. And lonely and horny and sexy. And warm and virile. But kinda sad.
"He's related to Auburn Pisces. He's gay. And they are all very sexual people, as she's told me several times," I thought to myself. At that moment I knew Keoni was an angel sent to rescue me from Drunk Bobby. I swear I would have eaten a whole beef mound and given ex-sister-in-law Susan a leg massage just to have one kiss from Keoni. He smiled at me, and we both made lots of eye contact. We talked about his next visit and he promised to go out on the town with me and AP next time. And I could swear he invited me to accompany AP and her daughter to Hawaii for a visit.
By the end of our afternoon, I held a box of chocolates from Hawaii in my arms. My angel gave me candy the first day I met him. I kissed him on the cheek to say goodbye and literally bit my tongue to keep from saying to him, "you're beautiful".
As my heart warmed and I could almost smell the coconut oil I would someday rub on Keoni, my thoughts ran away with me, "I am so glad to be on this date. It's the best first date ever. No, wait! No!! It's a funeral! A funeral! Not a date! Where was AP? Was she holding up? Shit, I'm supposed to be here for her and, oh, look! Keoni is driving away! Bye, Keoni! Aloha! Aloha my swarthy sexy lover!"
AP probably didn't need further comfort. She's a strong woman. She's got ovaries of steel, that one. I think we did some more stuff and hung out some more. Or maybe we left right after that. Who knows. Everything was a blur for me. I just kept looking at that box of Hawaiian chocolates and thinking about his smile.