Always a bridesman, never a groom...

Dragon Lady

Amber is back from camp! You can read about her experience here.

Pony and I were really happy to be able to help her out, and we're thankful to all the listeners of the Todd & Pony Show who donated to Amber. I know she appreciates your generosity and so do I.

Much love to all of you,
Toddy

God hates poor spellers

When I was at the Gay Games in Chicago last summer, I saw a protester who had misspelled the word judgment on his sign. I think that probably makes God angry.

Today I'll be joining hundreds or thousands (I wonder who counts all those people. I would hate that job, wouldn't you? "Okay, everybody please stand still I'm trying to count here....") of other people downtown for Gay Pride. (Every writing teacher I have ever had is turning over in his or her grave at my sentence structure - except for the ones who are alive. I don't know really know how they are responding. If you taught me in a writing class, please leave a comment and let me know how you feel about my run-on sentences and poor use of parenthetical statements.)

(Thanks.)

Anyway. I was planning on writing about protesters, but now I don't feel like it. I really hate to waste my time giving them a moment's thought. But on this happy weekend, I am pretty sure I will run into a handful of people who think God hates fags or that "Jugement is coming". I am not sure if I want to ignore them this year. Usually that is how I choose to respond, but I was thinking of maybe retaliating with some criticism of my own. "Sir, you have really awful handwriting," I will say to the man holding the hateful sign. I mean, it's better than screaming at them, right?

But, no, it is wrong to make people feel bad for who they are. If a person has poor handwriting, it is not for me to judge. I hate the handwriting and love the writer.

Hi there

Not only did I give up television. I gave up all technology, including computers. I stopped blogging and became Amish.

Actually, life just got busy. Busier. Juju is on her honeymoon so I am doing double duty at work.

I haven't been sleeping well. I am trying to decide which nightmare is my favorite lately. The one where someone is breaking into my apartment? How about the vicious lion showing up at work? The other night I dreamed I was clawing my face off in my sleep.

Get some therapy. That's what you're thinking. The thing is I do not feel unhappy or particularly anxious. I'm not sure why my dreams at night are so strange and disturbing. I've had therapy in the past and always knew I needed it. Right now I honestly feel good about my life.

I am hoping to go on a trip to Texas next month. I miss my family and want some time with them.

What else? Oh, please read the book Eat.Pray.Love.

I heard about this book on The Satellite Sisters and had to read it. One of the most inspiring books I have ever read, and it should be mandatory reading for those of us who have been serial monogamists. For about 10 years I was one of those people who always had a boyfriend (sometimes they overlapped) - I couldn't be alone. This book is all about making peace with yourself and learning how to be by yourself and love it.

My french press is ready. Gotta go!

No more Supernanny?!?

I am thinking about giving up television. Just thinking about it. Don't hold me to it or anything.

There is a noisy lack of silence in my life, so tonight I just skipped happy hour and came home to read a good book. I did not turn on the television. My home is silent.

As I stirred my dinner of black beans and rice on the stove, I listened to the spoon lightly scraping against the bottom of the pot. The sound of the water boiling gradually grew louder. Now I can hear it simmering softly on the stove.

When I eat my dinner I am going to eat in silence. Maybe I won't be able to make it through a quiet dinner alone. Maybe I'll crumble under the pressure and put on some music. But I'm not going to turn on the tv tonight.

The thing with television is this - it never stops. I tape a few shows every day, and then I have to catch up with them on the weekend. While I am watching one show, I am told that I really should watch it again tomorrow, because it will be even more exciting than the episode I am currently watching. Then there are commercials for other shows that I am supposed to watch later. Stuff that I never even thought I wanted to see suddenly becomes so important it feels like I should write it on a calendar.

TUESDAY - DR PHIL ASKS NEGLIGENT MOTHER "HOW'S THAT WORKING OUT FOR YOU?"

Wow. That sounds amazing. Who would want to miss that?!

There will always be someone leaving The View, and there will always be another contestant voted off the island or sent home because America voted. Ellen will just get funnier and funnier. More plot twists will unfold and new heroes with amazing powers will be revealed.

When will it all stop? I guess it won't stop until I make it stop.

I'm so afraid of becoming weird. Out of touch. If I just quit watching television, won't I become backward and socially clumsy?

I'm not saying I'm going to do it. I'm just thinking about it.

Now back to my book...

Not a single cupcake ruined

Don't Eat Before Bedtime

Last night I had a dream that David Hasselhoff was my stepfather, and he took me to a baseball game. While I was sitting there with my stepfather, David Hasselhoff, one of my friends shouted down from his seat a couple rows behind us, "Hot Toddy, is that your stepdad?"

"Yes," I replied.

"Is that you-know-who?" my friend asked.

My stepfather smiled at me. "Yes," I shouted to my friend. "Can you believe my stepdad is him?"

We weren't shouting his name back and forth across the rows because my stepfather David Hasselhoff doesn't want any more press at this time. We were protecting his anonymity. But if you had a dream that you were at a baseball game last night and you could have sworn you saw Hot Toddy with his new stepdad in your dream, you did. And, yes, it was David Hasselhoff.

Be Nice to Joni Mitchell

Well, I am just in the worst mood this morning because of a dream I had last night. Joni Mitchell was cast on MTV's Real World and the other girls in the house were completely dissing Joni.

Dream?! What am I saying? This was no dream. This was a nightmare!

I wanted to clock those girls for being mean to Legendary Folk Singer Joni Mitchell. They have no idea what true talent looks like.

I just need to shake it off. I'll think positive thoughts today. I'll think about the people who donated money so my friend Amber could go to camp. That makes my day every time I think about it. Listeners of the Todd & Pony Show donated almost $300 to Amber last month, and we gave her the check on Thursday. We had a great time with Amber. I love that girl, and I am certain she would never disrespect Joni Mitchell.

Cupcake Picker Upper

I have been asked to pick up the cupcakes for Juju's wedding on Sunday. I have awful images of slamming on my brakes at a stoplight and dumping the wedding dessert all over the floor of my truck. What if I fall while I'm carrying the cupcakes into the reception hall? What if I am just really hungry (and drunk) and eat all the cupcakes before I get them to the party?

This will be an amazing weekend. Juju was my roommate after I split with my partner. She was my counselor and my confidante and my source of strength and hope during those early days of my scary new single status.



I've seen her grow so much over the years. And she is marrying a man I love with all my heart. I'd be marrying him myself if he was into that. Metro is all heart. He is more than just a fun guy to hang out with. He is a friend who takes care of me and always makes sure I know how much he loves me.



To see such powerful people uniting in marriage is just amazing.



I went and tried on my tux today. Frankly, it looked so good on me that I wanted to marry myself. I am already very sexually active with myself, so it probably makes sense to go ahead and take the leap into marriage.

Triangle Hero

My friend Superman is now starring in his first YouTube video. If you have played Guitar Hero and enjoyed it, you'll love Triangle Hero.

You may recognize Superman from his work on the Portland stage. He was hilarious in the fabulous play I wrote, Spud Toppers. He also toured with Scotty Iseri, so maybe you caught him in that show.

Question: If you adopt a child and then decide it is not working out, can you put the child back up for adoption? No, I have not adopted a child, but I would like an answer to this question just in case I ever decide to try it someday.

Shocking Vegas Update

I'm back from Vegas, and I still have $100. To me that's like leaving a party when there's still Maker's Mark in the bottle, but somehow I managed to do it.

One of my favorite things about Vegas was the pillow talk. Now, I know this is sappy, but I haven't talked quietly in bed with someone for well over a year. But on this trip I shared a bed with Superman, and at the end of the first night we talked for a few minutes in bed. I told him a short anecdote from my past - a very inconsequential story signifying nothing - but in the dark of night under the covers it felt like a profound secret shared only by the two of us.

Before you freak out - no, I'm not in love. I am just saying that I miss pillow talk, and I didn't realize I missed it until Friday night.

Just like I didn't realize how much I missed the Portland rain until I returned from the desert last evening. We were greeted by a gloriously cool evening and refreshing raindrops falling from the sky.

Vegas, Baby

I'm heading to Vegas, but not without giving you something to keep you entertained...

Pony and I just recorded Show #40 of the Todd & Pony Show. Watch for it soon.

Even if you don't listen to Show #39 (why wouldn't you?) you gotta go read the show notes written by Zeroes. (He's such a cutie, isn't he?) Check out the website here.

See ya next week!

Love,
Toddy

Dude, Where's My Post?

I've been horrible about updating Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven, and I offer my sincerest Alex-Baldwin-Don-Imus apology.

First things first. Let me say that I absolutely LOVE the Toddtender. He doesn't care for my referencing other bartenders in Portland, so I need to state, for the record, that he is still my favorite.

Also - this weekend The Handsome Prince and The Math Whiz had their wedding. It was awesome. Everybody cried, everybody laughed, everybody got drunk (I hope - I don't wanna be the only one....)

Pony was the wedding DJ. He was fantastic. All that training as a Second Life DJ must have paid off.

Hi Pam! I was glad to see you at the wedding. You are such a hottie. I'm sorry I didn't mention you before now. I'm glad you read the Toaster Oven, and thank you for telling me at the wedding reception that you want me to keep blogging.

Tying up all my loose ends here - - trying to think of what I haven't mentioned yet. This weekend I'm going to Las Vegas for Metro's bachelor party. Can you imagine how much fun that will be? I practiced tonight and won 20 bucks playing video slots at the bar. It is important to train if you are going to gamble in Vegas!

Life is good. Assume that if I am NOT blogging it is because I'm having a blast. Oh, and check out the latest Todd & Pony Show for more incredibly fascinating details of my life. We had a special guest this week. Juju was there, and we gave her a big surprise!

Cocktail Recipe: The Pony

Pony ordered me a drink tonight at the bar, and it was so amazing I have to share it with you.

It's a Lemon Drop with Absolut Vanilla instead of Absolut Citron. Try it. It tastes like key lime pie. He likes it with bitters. I like it without bitters.

We don't know if there is already a drink recipe with those ingredients, so we are pretending he invented it. YUM!!!

More in-depth reporting on the important issues of today will be posted soon. Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven is your source for what's happening in the world!!

Thank You Painters

I walked home tonight and turned the corner to my apartment and was surprised to see a big red building in place of my drab tan apartment building. They painted the building today. I was so surprised and so happy.

I love my apartment so much. I can't express how much I love it. Maybe the fact that I was in a cult for 3 years and lived with way too many men at once and shared everything (like Jesus and his disciples did) and never had a place of my own....

Shortly after I came out I was snagged by a super hot actor and became his partner and promptly moved in with him. We had a cute bungalow in NE Portland and lived together for 7 years. Then I moved in with Juju. Then I moved in with The Handsome Prince. Then I moved in with Auburn Pisces. But now it is just me, me, ME. My place. My bedroom. My home. I absolutely love it. My one bedroom apartment with beautiful, although slanted, hardwood floors and french doors off the bedroom is wonderful!

Tonight I visited my friend Zeroes at the bar where he works. The sun was shining and the garage doors were open at the bar so fresh air and spring breezes wafted through the bar. It was wonderful. I felt as if I were having Berry Vodka Lemonades at a resort beach bar. Zeroes is a good, good person. He is very important to me.

I felt like I was cheating on CC Slaughters, but I needed to break out of my routine, and Red Cap Garage is the place to go on nice days! The weather in Portland was amazing today. Everyone in this town was so happy. Imagine if you lived in a city where you had 6 months or more of rain and gray skies everyday and suddenly were blessed with a sunny day and 70 degree temperatures. It was heaven.

Not Dead Yet.

Today I was playing World of Warcraft (I watched the sun rise over Kalimdor - it rises in the Northwest - isn't that weird?) and everything froze up while I was flying over the Blasted Lands. Then a blue screen appeared. I thought it was The Blue Screen of Death that I've heard so much about. But it wasn't. It was definitely a blue screen, but apparently it wasn't the one of DEATH.

My first thought was, "Oh my god. My computer is broken. I can't blog at work, and now I can't blog at home. It's over. Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven is over."

Can you imagine a worse situation? Nobody would ever again be able to hear about how much I love Donny & Marie and Heinz Ketchup and Asian men. There would be no more updates about my passion for The Rock. I couldn't share my thoughts about being alone (not lonely, swear to God...), and I wouldn't be able to blather on and on about meaningless self-doubt and minor weight-loss victories.

Maybe I am cynical tonight. The truth is that this blog means almost nothing anymore. I received an e-mail from a friend far away who said, "I notice that your blog has changed. Actually, I noticed it last fall already, and chalked it up to Toddy gettin' motivated and doing stuff and generally taking control. In my mind, I saw montages with peppy background music - Toddy leaping out of bed in the morning, the covers fluttering to the side while he energetically brushes his teeth, gets dressed, and jets off to work with a piece of toast in his mouth; Toddy typing on his manual typewriter and ripping a finished work of prose out to hand it to his eagerly-waiting editor while the credits stop rolling ("Sit, Ubu, Sit!"), Toddy laughing with friends during lunch, Toddy laughing with friends at the bar after work, Toddy on the elliptical trainer, falling over comically when the gorgeous personal trainer smiles at him and checks him out, Toddy going home to prepare a fourteen-course meal for his friend Auburn Pisces (okay, that last one isn't real). Funny, having read your blog for going on three years, it is as interesting for what isn't there as for what is."

There is so much that isn't here anymore. I have gone inside myself. My friends are noticing it, and my readers are noticing it. I suppose I have as much to say as I ever did (virtually nothing of significance) but I feel so selfish lately. I don't want people to know where I am or what I'm up to. All the things that are on my mind feel so private, and I am way more protective of myself than I ever used to be. Part of me yearns for people to really know and understand me. The other part wants to hide in the shadows. Is this what "becoming your own best friend" is like?

It is kind of cool and kind of sad at the same time.

Jumping Off the Bridge

Everybody else is doing it, so I'm doing it too.

Todd & Pony have a My Space page. Pony did all the work on it (as usual).

Sorry I can't blog more but I have to go do a podcast now.

And, no, Rosie wasn't fired. I have an inside source!

Five Minutes

I have five minutes to post if I am going to be to work almost on time.

This weekend I got to take care of my dog, Bonkers. I haven't seen him in years, because my ex, CT, kept him when we split up. I have some wonderful pictures of him and will try to post those tonight.

Bonkers is around 16 or 17 years old and has three teeth left. I had to hold his torso for him when he squatted to do his business in the yard because his legs are too weak. To say it breaks my heart to see him so old is an understatement. But all of us are headed down that path, and I struggle towards acceptance because I know that wishing things were different only causes suffering.

My little dog is deaf, so I had to lay on the floor next to him and put my lips against his head when I talked to him. I told him over and over again how much I loved him and how sorry I was that I couldn't be with him every day like I used to. That amazing dog was almost enough to keep me in my relationship with CT forever. Almost.

Sorrow

In her song Icicles, Patty Griffin sings "I must confess there appears to be way more darkness than light..."

The world is dark and sad right now. Take care of each other. My heart goes out to everyone who is hurting over the tragedy at Virginia Tech.

Calm, calm, belong

Bride to Be

Yesterday, I went to a bridal shower. I imagine this will be the one and only time in my life I ever say such a thing. I'm going to be a bridesman next month for my dear friend, Juju, so I was invited to attend her shower.

Sensing that I may feel a bit out of place, Juju offered me an out. "Toddy, there will be a lot of estrogen at my party. I would love to have you there, but it isn't mandatory."

When Juju and Metro had an engagement party, I was in a dark, dark place and couldn't find it in me to celebrate anything or anyone. Not even the glorious news of a wedding that I had hoped for (and, to be quite honest, campaigned for), so I wasted that day wallowing and drinking. I don't remember what I did or who I was with, but I know that there was a bottle of whiskey involved and most likely a lot of tears. That's what makes it a waste of a day.

So there was no way I was going to miss out on this very special day. Juju has been there for me in a way that few people ever have. Maybe in a way that nobody ever has or ever will be there for me. Our relationship is difficult to explain. It is sort of a "Will and Grace" relationship, except that she is more like the gay man, and I'm more like Grace waiting for Harry Connick Jr. to ride in on a white horse and sweep her off her feet (after she runs straight into a lamppost). Sometimes people think we're married. I think we act more like siblings than a married couple. We used to be roommates, and the stories we could recount from that time of our lives take hours and hours to tell due to the bursts of laughter that accompany the telling of those stories.

Also, we work together every weekday doing basically the same job. We are a two-person department at work in charge of providing technology training for our company. We set up classes and have lunches with vendors and help each other prepare reports. Then we take a break together and go get coffee and gossip and laugh. It seems like we just never get tired of each other.

The bridal shower was held in the beautiful home of our friend Buffy. I would say that her house looks like the pages of a decorating catalog, but that wouldn't be quite accurate because I've yet to see a catalog that beautiful. The food was amazing. Crab cakes and so many cheeses. Olives and breads and shrimp and a hot plate stacked with sweet potato fries. All of this was accompanied by "Till Death Do Us Partinis" (a ginger cosmopolitan) and wine and the highest-pitched talking I've ever heard.

As each gorgeous babe arrived at the party (all of Juju's friends are gorgeous babes), the other women would squeal and hug. I went hoarse from imitating these girly squeals and could barely speak by the end of the party. The women talked about Kate Spade handbags and BCBY dresses. Or maybe I'm thinking of the yogurt place. Was it BCBG?

At some point in the shower, I realized that Juju actually is the "Grace" and I'm the "Will". Her eyes filled with tears as she opened the presents her mother and sisters sent. She cried again when she read a beautiful note from her future mother-in-law. More tears as she opened a tiny box from a dear friend. Inside were the earrings worn by that friend on her wedding day. Juju looked at me and said, "you and I have totally switched roles," and we laughed.

Juju used to rail against being tied down to one person. She loved being single like nobody I've ever met before. I'd just shake my head as she told me how much she loved being alone. Then I'd tell her how much I wanted a partner and would cry as I sniffled about how empty I felt.

Yesterday a friend I haven't seen in some time asked how I was doing and I said, "I'm happy. I'm just so happy. I didn't know how good it feels to be happy until after I went through an awful time." We talked about how important it is to find happiness within yourself. Happiness that isn't wrapped up in someone else.

And so, Juju is thrilled to be getting married, and I'm thrilled to have my own life. I look around my apartment and think to myself, "This is all mine. I don't have to share it with anyone. It's just me," and I feel tingly inside. And Juju receives a set of matching luggage for her and her fiance and gets excited about the honeymoon cruise she'll be on with her husband.

I thought about this when I got home yesterday from the bridal shower. Maybe someday I'll meet a partner. He has a secret name that Juju and I gave him. We're the only two people who know what it is. It's a made up word that describes this soulmate/partner/boyfriend/lover entity better than any real word can. Maybe I will meet him and we'll decide to get married (cause it will be legal someday) and Juju will throw me a shower (with those sweet potato fries please) and she'll remind me of a time when all I wanted was a partner followed by a time when I found contentment in just being alone.

I thought about this yesterday as I walked up the steps to my apartment building where I would spend the rest of the night by myself and said out loud, "I guess you never know..."

Give it Time

Well, the bad news is that I am no longer allowed to blog from work. A couple weeks ago our company handbook was revised to include a decree that employees of my beloved wonderful life-saving corporation (we're not allowed to criticize our company online) are no longer allowed to use company systems to blog. And we are not supposed to write about the company or employees of the company.

I don't want to write about my job. How stupid. Who cares? They give me money for showing up and working. My job has so little to do with my life. But our company expects its employees to live and own our mission. Never, ever do I lay in bed at night thinking about how I will live and own our mission tomorrow. It is my job, not my life.

Whatever. The downside is that I can no longer write blog posts at work. From 9 am to 5 pm I am supposed to just live and own our mission. Fine. I can live with it. While I'm at work I will live and own our mission and never ever blog, because that would be WRONG. I actually really like my job and my company, but I am sad that they see the need to set these new limits. Sometimes the freedom of writing a blog post at work was the only thing that kept me sane. Now I will have to find other ways to maintain sanity.

The good news is that I will only write when I actually have something to say. It is highly unlikely that I will come home from work after a long day of sitting at my computer and feel compelled to sit down at my home computer to spend even more time typing. Nope. Not gonna happen.

But I will still write when I have something to say. And tonight I have something to say. My dear friend, The Handsome Prince, is getting married next month to his partner, The Math Whiz. They sent me the most beautiful and artistic wedding invitation. I absolutely loved it.

Also, Juju is getting married next month. She and Metro will be married at the end of May, just 2 weeks after THP and TMW celebrate their union.

You would think that seeing two of my best friends marrying within a few days of one another might be too much for this lonely single romantic man to handle. But, surprisingly, I am feeling incredibly ZEN about the whole thing.

Tonight as I made macaroni and cheese for myself, and right before I poured a glass of white wine (from a box) and prepared to watch American Idol, I called The Handsome Prince.

"When I get married, I want to have a wedding invitation exactly like you and The Math Whiz sent out. That was amazing and creative and beautiful."

Surprisingly, to me at least, I feel no jealousy in my heart. I envy my friends for their good fortune in finding a love and a soulmate to share their lives with. But, honestly, I just don't think it is my time to have a partner. Someday I know I will be the one sending out invitations. But in 2007, my role is to be the friend who throws a memorable bachelor party. My job is to be a wonderful bridesman to Juju (yep, I'm a male bridesman) and to party with her fiance, Metro, in Vegas next month. My time is coming, but my time is not here.

It is amazing to me that I am enjoying my life as a single man so much that, in spite of all these wonderful weddings, jealousy has found no place to take root in my heart. I never thought I could be this content to be alone. But I am.

I guess I am living and owning the cause. And the cause is me.

Finalist

My essay, The Lives and Deaths of Buffalo Butt, was published last year in a book that is currently a finalist for the Lambda Literary Award Anthology category. Because I am so preoccupied with important tasks such as researching The Captain & Tennille for our next podcast and raising my fishing skill in World of Warcraft, I only found out about this yesterday.

I guess that is fitting since my essay was described by this reviewer as "something like the relieving resolution of childhood OCD". I guess my obsession with relationships was evident in the way I played cars. My Matchbox cars went on romantic dates together. And true, as I confessed in the essay, I matched up groceries in couples as I unloaded the shopping cart. (Ketchup and Mustard were boyfriend and girlfriend, and Catalina French Dressing always accompanied his girlfriend, Iceberg Lettuce, on the red carpet, ie., the checkout counter conveyor belt.)

I am very proud to be included in this book. If you would like to purchase a copy, you can click on the book cover at the top of this post. Well, you can click the book cover just for fun, but it won't take you anywhere. I just tested it. It doesn't work. I never claimed to be a technological genius. I never even claimed to function at the level of a 13-year-old girl with her own My Space.

Never mind, just click here for a shortcut to Amazon, or you can check with your favorite local bookstore if you're not into the whole corporate empire thing.

If you would like to know more about the Lambda Literary awards and read the thoughts of our editors, Rob Williams and Ted Gideonse, stop by the From Boys to Men site and congratulate them!

And thanks to you Juju. I never would have done it without your support (and threats).

Fighting with the Homeless

If you want to hear about how I almost got in a fight with a homeless person this week, then you will have to listen to the Todd & Pony Show. This is our mean show titled "Oh, Bite Me!"

You don't need an iPod to hear the show. You can listen right there on the website.

This weekend I hosted a little slumber party at my apartment. In addition to playing cards and doing typical party activities (being intentionally vague, of course) I served up some food. I made scallops wrapped in bacon and did not explode anything. I whipped up a spicy mayo too.

When I told all of this to Auburn Pisces last night she turned to me with a shocked expression on her face and said, "Who are you?" By the way, she posted her update about the birthday weekend we spent at the coast with our friends and our special guest Pua!

I Forgot What I Wanted to Remember

This weekend at softball practice my cleats were so tight. It turns out that I put a pair of insoles in the shoes to cushion my heel, which is afflicted with a bone spur. Last season I also put insoles in my cleats. But I forgot I had done that, so I had two insoles in my shoes, which left barely enough room for my actual feet.

Yesterday on the way to work I found myself memorizing a list of things I wanted to Google. I know that it is a good idea to carry a notepad around, but I am lucky if I can remember my wallet every morning, so it is ludicrous to think I'll remember to grab a notepad before leaving my apartment.

Toddy's Mental List of Things to Google Once I Get To Work:
1. How do they answer the phone in other countries?
2. What is the story behind that man who preaches at the bus mall every day?
3. Why were jurors jolted by ugly truths? (Headline from yesterday's paper)

Why did I have to search for those facts? No reason, really. I could have bought the newspaper and checked that one off my list. Knowing how a person in Jordan answers the phone wasn't really important for my personal growth. I've lived in Portland for 10 years without knowing anything about the street preacher downtown, but yesterday it felt crucial that I know more about him.

I know that I make my life more difficult than it needs to be. I clutter my brain with useless information. I forget things so quickly too. This morning I read an article in Rolling Stone and immediately forgot what I read. I set the magazine down and thought to myself, "That was a good article. Wait. What was it about? Politics? A movie review? Think, damn it. What did I just read???"

I finally remembered that the article was about the band, REM, and included some photos from their history.

My memory is not so bad that I will ever forget the theme song to Knot's Landing. And no matter how old I live to be, I will never ever forget every single word of that Brim commercial.

The Disappearing of Hot Toddy

I'm disappearing.

I can see it in people's faces, and I can feel it inside of me.

A couple years ago I checked my blog stats daily. Receiving comments on my posts was like oxygen to me. And getting nominated for various blog awards? Forget about it - that was practically like winning an Oscar.

Today I stumbled upon another blogger popularity contest where people are asked to vote on who is the best blogger. I'm trying to remember why I used to care about that. Truth be told, I sort of disappeared off the grid a couple years ago. I'm no longer part of the in crowd. Once I "won" an "award" for "Best Gay Blog". I even campaigned for votes.

Why did I crave the attention? Somehow I felt so validated by blog comments and votes. I did the same thing at the bar where phone numbers became hard copy versions of blog comments. Votes in support of my awesome hotness were cast in the form of one night stands or three-week long "relationships", which are really just 21-night stands, aren't they?

Don't get me wrong. I gratefully accept your comments and appreciate the time you take to let me know you're out there. When I do visit blogs, I tend to visit the people who comment even before visiting my long-standing links.

I appreciate your comments, but I don't need them. That's the difference. Ever since I started disappearing, it's been that way. How can I explain? I feel like a former homecoming queen, Class of '85, who has been forgotten by my former classmates. The funny thing is, I like it. Love it, even.

Yesterday I went to softball practice and saw guys I haven't seen since last summer. As soon as I stepped out of my truck I noticed that my teammates said hello to me with their eyes locked on my waist. It was weird. Sort of unsettling, but not completely unexpected.

Last August I was at almost 19% body fat, and I'm now at right around 12%. The numbers on the scale would indicate a loss of about 10 pounds, but using a body fat measurement tool (Bioelectrical Impedance Analysis), my actual loss over the past seven months was 22 pounds of fat. Now that I'm about six pounds from my goal of 10% body fat, I find my entire motivation has changed. For the first time in my life, this battle to shed fat has nothing to do with how I am perceived by others and everything to do with how I feel when I look in the mirror.

Good thing my clothes are getting smaller, because my closet is smaller than it was last year too. My apartment isn't very big at all, but it is just right for me.

I want to take up less room in the world.

I want less attention.

I want fewer obligations.

I want more time alone.

I want to talk less and say more.

So I'll end this for today.

Party Planner

I have to plan a bachelor party for The Handsome Prince, and I'm scared.

I can't make a meal for him and his friends. We all know this. Why, just last week at the coast I was heating a baking pan of oil and garlic in the oven and caused an explosion. I heard a loud bang and saw the oven door fly open. Then flames burst from the pan. I was just heating oil, I swear.

Also, there will be a mix of gay and straight men at this party. So I don't know if I am supposed to hire male or female dancers.

He and The Math Whiz will be having a ceremony in May to celebrate their union. So it falls on me to throw my best friend a party. He asked me to get help planning it. No, seriously. He asked me to please get help planning it. He didn't actually come out and say, "Please don't plan this by yourself because you will fuck it up," but it was implied.

I don't know if I really need help. I've just decided to hire a group of Irish cloggers and order pizza unless someone offers me a better idea.

More Grace

Little did I know when I posted that last entry that my sister would name her first baby girl "Grace" a few days later. My very first niece was born on Friday, and I am so in love with that little girl. Grace is so beautiful. I will meet her in person this summer.

Speaking of grace, I had the honor of meeting Pua in person this weekend. There are no words to describe this woman's grace. If there is a soul on earth with a kinder heart and warmer spirit, I haven't met them.

Pua came to celebrate AP's birthday with our gang, and she permanently moved into my heart as a cherished "real-life" friend. We shared loads of laughter, and a few tears throughout the weekend. Saying goodbye to her as we listened to waves crashing on the Oregon coast stung my heart. But I know I will see her again soon.

As tears fell, we hugged each other tightly. "Can we just say 'see you soon' instead of goodbye?" I asked my friend.

"Aloha," she whispered in return.

Grace

This afternoon at the gym, I passed by the aerobics room and was stopped dead in my tracks by a beautiful and moving sight. What caught my eye was the small Asian woman dancing alone. In the late afternoon, she often practices her dancing in that room. I could not hear any music, yet she moved elegantly in time to a waltz that must have played in her heart. I watched the woman dance with her arms poised around the partner she imagined held her and twirled her.

She gently rested one tiny hand on her imaginary partner's shoulder while her other hand floated in air as though held by a strong hand. Her movements were so smooth she appeared to skate on the wood floor. She held her head high and glided with strength and majesty. I watched for a moment and absorbed the beauty in her dance. I opened my heart to the lesson, and it softly but firmly landed on my heart.

She practices. She dances. She has no partner, but she knows that she will one day dance with him, and she wants to be ready.

She has no one to hold her up, yet this woman's dance was not diminished by the absence of a partner.

Her grace was more clearly seen because she was alone.

Happy Birthday Auburn Pisces

If you have a moment, go over and wish Auburn Pisces a happy birthday!

We'll be celebrating at the Oregon Coast this coming weekend with a very special guest!

Dearth

Mz Ouiser commented about my dearth of posts, and she's right. I haven't written much, and the main reason is that I am just busy living life, as my friend suggested.

I often question whether it is more important for me to wait until I have time to write an entertaining post (you know - the kind of post that requires thought) or if I should just update my blog for the people who care about what's happening in my life (why?!).

In the way of updates, there's quite a bit going on. I've seen a documentary on the Dixie Chicks, attended a CD release party, watched the Oscars at CC's, and I went to a gathering for this season's new softball league players. I also recorded a podcast with Pony and stayed consistent in my workouts. Oh, and last Thursday night I sang karaoke with The Handsome Prince for the first time in months. We debuted a new duet, "Anything You Can Do (I Can Do Better)" from Annie Get Your Gun.

I did something else last Thursday. I accidentally cancelled my text messaging on my cell phone account. I mean, I made the phone call to Cingular on purpose, and I intended to cancel an extraneous service, but in my enthusiasm to save money I didn't realize I was canceling pretty much every feature on my plan. Basically I changed my cell phone from a functional communications device into a large timepiece.

Nobody could reach me, but I always knew what time it was.

Darts and Rocks

My latest obsessions include Dragostea din tei, the elliptical trainer, The Satellite Sisters and darts.

I could play darts five hours a day and be happy. The Handsome Prince taught me how to play a month or two ago, and I love it. I've only played on the electronic dartboard, but I would someday like to try playing on a classic dartboard with steel darts.

Last night I dropped by CC Slaughters after I finished recording the podcast with Pony. I think people must have worn themselves out on Mardi Gras, because there were only a couple customers there. That's why the Toddtender was able to play darts with me in between serving his customers. He would come over and throw his round of darts, rush back over to the bar to serve patrons, and then come back for more darts.

I don't see Darts listed on the website for Gay Games 2010 in Cologne, so I may have to participate in Softball. However, there is a Climbing event and I happen to live a few blocks away from the Portland Rock Gym. It would be so convenient to train, if I can get the courage to sign up for an introductory class.

Party Like a President

Now that Valentine's Day is over, all the nightclubs are gearing up for the biggest party time of the year. You've seen the decorations, I'm sure. And everyone is getting excited for this crazy night of celebration.

Like millions of other Americans, I'm planning on going out tonight to celebrate Presidents' Day in style. I plan on dressing as James Polk. He's my fave.

The Math Whiz is going to join me. He's going as William Taft because "nobody hails him anymore, and it's time for Taft's day in the spotlight".

I had a moment of panic because I worried everyone would, of course, want to go to the bar dressed as James K. Polk. But the Math Whiz reassured me. "Don't be silly! Everyone is going as either Martin Van Buren, or the always good conversation-starter, President John Tyler."

He's right, of course. I get so sick of all the Martin Van Buren wannabes. James Polk kicks quite a bit of ass, so I'm happy that my friend convinced me to stick with my first instinct.

If I can just find my ascot, I can get to CC Slaughters and party like a President! Of all the times to misplace it!

Happy Valentine's Day

This is for you, Baby.
I know you're out there. I can't wait to meet you...

I tried again, I went last night
Another date was just not right
And as I drove myself back home
A little voice said "just be alone"
But sometimes I think
I see you in a crowd
It's not picture perfect you're just meant for me somehow
And I'll miss you till I meet you
Oh I'll miss you till I meet you

I miss you all the time

I love the world just as it is
And I won't lose my faith in it
But there are days I think of you
Saying "hey that's beautiful yeah I see it too"
It all goes by so fast, like waving hands
Wanna capture things
Find someone who understands
And I'll miss you till I meet you
Oh I'll miss you till I meet you

I miss you all the time

Can you keep me awake
I thought you could help
Just to feel my way
Find my better self
Oh I'll miss you
Oh I'll miss you
I miss you all the time

The morning's gone
All dreamed away
But that's all right
It's Saturday
When people think
That they might see
The next chapter of their destiny
And on Monday morning comes around
Get the work done but I listen for the sound
And I'll miss you till I meet you

- Dar Williams, "I'll Miss You Till I Meet You"

Maybe I Will "Buy" One

I mean, they're not hot hot.

They're just "hot". These bagels are hot-ish. They are like cold bagels, only warmer. One might almost say they are hot, but not quite. They are just - well - they're "hot".

Now there is no question at all that these are bagels.

And clearly the bagels are intended for breakfast - there's just no arguing that.

One would have to be a complete moron to question for a second that these bagels, stuffed with wholesome breakfast-y foods, form sandwiches.

There is just this teensy tiny problem with committing unabashedly to the use of the word hot in describing said breakfast bagel sandwiches. We're not saying they are cold, though. No, definitely not cold.

Maybe they were afraid someone would sue them. What if my definition of hot was different than someone else's? There could be a trial! I mean, mayber when I purchase a sandwich advertised as hot, I expect to need oven mitts in order to hold it. (There's a look for ya - walking down the street with oven mitts and blowing on your hot sandwich)

So, maybe they are just protecting themselves legally by using the quotation marks.

"No, Your Honor, we said they were 'hot'. Not hot."

I saw this place of "business" on my way to "work" today and immediately stopped to photograph their sign. You know what would be a "cool" job? Marketing these breakfast bagel sandwiches.

I would like to stand in front of the shop doing some "advertising" for these bagel peddlers. I would yell, "Come get your 'hot' bagel sandwiches!", and I'd do the air quotes whenever I said the word 'hot'. Maybe I would give people a knowing wink as I did the air quotes.

I think I could draw quite a "crowd", and we would sell "several" of these "hot" sandwiches.

Lazy

I'm so tired today. At the office this morning I needed to make a couple copies of some financial documents, but I had to wait because the copier was in sleep mode. So, as I'm standing there waiting for the copier to "wake up" I became very irritated. Why does the machine get to nap in between duties? I'm not allowed to sleep at work, and I do not think the copy machine should be allowed to either.

Maybe I am so tired because I've taken a couple days off from working out at the fitness center, which is on site here at the office. I did manage to get to the gym quickly yesterday afternoon, but I only went so I could get some hair product to fix my hair before happy hour.

To be honest, the real reason I'm tired is that I'm irresponsible. Instead of going to sleep last night at a decent hour, I stayed awake until 1 a.m. listening to my new Patty Griffin CD. It arrived yesterday while I was at work, and I had plans that kept me out until almost midnight, but I love Patty Griffin so much I fought to keep my eyes open while I listened to the CD, Children Running Through, in bed. The album is a masterpiece. Up to the Mountain (MLK Song) is incredible and shows off Patty's rich soulful voice, which soars through this song in a way that takes my breath away. Someone Else's Tomorrow surprised me as I listened to the minor key of the opening chords. The song is like nothing I've heard Patty do before. Listen, if you are not already a fan who has discovered Patty Griffin, now is the time!

You can see Patty Griffin tonight on The Late Show with David Letterman. You'll see what I mean!

New Post! More Random Obscurity!

So today I am suddenly able to post, and I can't think of a thing to say. But I have missed blogging, so I feel I must take this opportunity to write something. Anything.

Tomorrow I am gathering some of my friends together and showing them the Gay Games VII DVD I purchased. Every time I watch it my eyes fill with tears. Some of the athlete stories are so powerful, and the footage of both the opening and closing ceremonies reminds me of the amazing thrill of actually being there.

Work today is tedious. It reminds me of the time I worked as a temp at a large consulting firm and had to spend the day scraping tiny black marks off reports after they came off the copy machine. I guess it was cheaper for them to hire a temp to scrape the ink marks off the page than it was for them to buy a better copy machine.

Once I worked as a volunteer at a Christian music festival in Kentucky. My job was to "guard" the tabernacle (chapel) at night. I was supposed to make sure nobody went inside. The door was locked, and the building was mostly empty except for some folding chairs and a podium. I could not have entered the building if I wanted to since it was locked up tight, but my job was to guard it anyway. I was armed with a flashlight, which I suppose I could have used to hit someone over the head if they tried to break in.

I hate stupid jobs. Even more, I hate people who assign others to do stupid jobs.

I'm so excited that Pua is coming for a visit next month. She is going to celebrate Auburn Pisces' birthday with us. If you haven't read Pua's blog lately, you should. She's writing again. It makes so many people so happy.

I have sent two thank you notes this year. I never send thank you notes, but I am working on being a better and more thoughtful friend.

Also, this year I have cooked three things that tasted good. Seriously! I made crab cakes, and I made a low-fat oven "fried" chicken. Then I made some really tasty Brussels sprouts with Parmesan, which was harder than it sounds. Until I became the proud owner of The Joy of Cooking, I didn't realize you were supposed to pull the outer leaves off Brussels sprouts before cooking them. That took, like, an hour. It was almost as tedious as making pancakes. Even if you hate Brussels sprouts, I think you would have liked these. I moaned with pleasure when I put one in my mouth. I never moan with pleasure when I taste my own cooking. I mean, there is usually moaning going on, but it is not pleasured moaning.

Yesterday my buddy Jesse left a comment and told me he missed out on the whole "Hot Toddy was published" story line of last fall. So, just in case there are others who missed it, here is a link to From Boys to Men: Gay Men Write About Growing Up. My story is called "The Lives and Deaths of Buffalo Butt". It is a stark and somber portrait of life from a neo-existential literary view.

Yeah, right.

Heroic Effort

Through heroic efforts, I managed this morning to login to "Old Blogger". What I had to do was sign into the "New Blogger" using a Gmail account. I am not on the "New Blogger" (as I reported yesterday), but I pretended I was. It was sort of like walking proudly into a private party without invitation and just acting like you are a VIP.

So here I am, for one more day. I do not know if it will work tomorrow, but I will keep trying until I manage to talk with Pony about the possibility of helping me move somewhere else. (All technical decisions must be cleared through him, because he is my personal IT advisor.)

Your comments yesterday were incredibly kind. Thanks for the encouragement!

Walking home last evening, my timing was perfect for viewing an amazing sunset. I couldn't capture the beauty of the evening on my little cell phone, but when I looked at the picture today it reminded me of an impressionist painting. I think my hands must have been shaking, but I am going to pretend I created the look on purpose using a special lens and tons of expensive photography equipment.

This is a view of the Willamette River looking south from the Burnside Bridge. My hometown often takes my breath away.

The Harbinger

Things aren't looking good for Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven.

For some reason, Blogger is unable to switch this blog to the new version. But accessing the old login page is becoming more and more difficult. Today I spent 20 minutes trying to bypass the invitations to switch to the new blogger, but I couldn't get to the login. I read the Help articles and forums. I used the links that Blogger claimed would take me to the old login screen, but I just kept getting a message asking me to switch to the new version. So I gave in and tried to switch again today, even though I knew it wouldn't work. After attempting the switch, I just received a message letting me know I couldn't switch at this time, and I'd be notified when I should try again. But every time I tried to access the old login, I was taken to a message inviting me to switch.

And on and on...

It makes me wonder if I really want to blog badly enough to go through this.

Starting over with a new blog host seems overwhelming and tedious.

I feel like giving up, and I don't even feel despair or frustration about it. It is like, in some ways, life would be easier if I no longer had a blog to maintain.

Then again, I've done this for years and have met some great people (and a couple complete jerks) through this blog. At home I have a multitude of half-empty journals that I've abandoned, but I've managed to keep up with the Toaster Oven for years.

I want to quit. But I also don't want to be a quitter. I'm not sure I can have both.

Oh, God. I'm Close. I'm So Close.

Thank you for your comment yesterday, Debbi. Not to be shallow (okay, maybe a tiny bit), but this one's for you...

Doesn't it feel good to get close?

Oh, right. That feels good too. But what I meant was, doesn't it feel good to get close to achieving a goal? For my whole entire cock-a-doodie life I have wanted to be a person who only had to lose 10 pounds to be considered "fit". But I've never even been close. Usually I was someone who needed to lose about 20-25 pounds. For a few miserable years, I needed to lose over 60 pounds, which just seemed impossible.

It's not impossible of course. For inspiration click here.

Yesterday I went for my body composition test, which I do every six weeks. I am now carrying the results around with me everywhere I go. (Not just on my body - I'm referring to the piece of paper I can't seem to set down!) I keep looking down at the L.E.A.N. Body System report for Hot Toddy and reading these words over and over...

"You could safely lose 8.03 pounds of fat"

I've never been so close. Once I had 11 pounds of fat to lose, but I got distracted. Then I got discouraged. Then I got depressed. Then I got further distracted, more discouraged and depressed. And so on and so on until I gained 55 pounds of fat.

I usually hate numbers. I can't do fractions, and I failed Algebra 2 in high school. But at this moment, I love doing math.

Exactly a year ago, my body fat was at 32.38%.
Yesterday, my body fat was 12.62%.

Since January 2006, I've lost 55.83 pounds of fat. I've also gained 51.83 pounds of lean body mass. That is only a difference of four pounds if you're looking at the scale (which is why I think paying attention to the scale and ignoring body composition is a mistake).

If I can lose eight pounds

When I lose eight pounds of fat, my body fat will be 10%. When I am being good (working out, watching what I eat and being careful not to drink too much), I lose an average of 1% body fat every 4-6 weeks.

When Auburn Pisces has her birthday in March, I should be around 11.62% (I will also get to meet our dear friend Pua in person!)

By the time softball season starts, and around the time The Golden Boy has his birthday, I should be at 10.62%. (But I still won't have abs like his!)

I'm attending two weddings in May. The Math Whiz and The Handsome Prince are tying the knot. Also, Juju and Metro are getting married that month. I will be celebrating these marriages with my friends, but if I work hard I will be celebrating a whole lot more!

Me and My Toddtender

The Toddtender, who works as a bartender of course, took me to see Kathy Griffin a couple weeks ago. Between writing about important things like my belt size and Christmas plans for 2008, I haven't really had time to talk about that night, but it was fantastic.

On the afternoon of the show, the Toddtender called to check in with me. When he called, I was actually standing there holding my kitchen window in my hands, but I still managed to answer my cell phone.

Toddtender: Hi, how are you doing?

Me: Not too good. My kitchen window just fell out.

Toddtender: Fell out where?

Me: Well, it is in my hands right now. I mean, it didn't fall out onto the ground. That would be bad because I am three floors up. (Silence on the other end of the phone.) But I was just trying to open it and suddenly it came out in my hands. It has been loose for a little while, but I didn't think it would just come out. (Silence.) So I called maintenance. (Silence.) I think they are paging the maintenance guy for me.

(Long silence, and then...)

Toddtender: Can I call you back?

For some reason I feel like I can't shut up when I talk to the Toddtender. He makes me nervous or something.

Anyway, he showed up later and brought me duct tape in case the window thing didn't work out and I had to tape plastic over the opening. We were planning on going to dinner but had to wait for Andre the Russian Maintenance Man to finish working on my window. Turns out we didn't have time for dinner anyway, because the Toddtender realized he had forgotten the tickets and flew out of my apartment in a panic.

So I watched Andre work as I waited for the Toddtender. I noticed Andre's jacket was ripped, and the lining was coming out. It made me sad, and I tried to decide if Andre would be offended if I offered to give him one of my old jackets. In the end, I didn't offer him a coat because it seemed insulting.

Andre finished up his work, and then the Toddtender returned, so we headed off for a night of fun. We got to the theater in plenty of time to chat with other people. I walked around the lobby like I was some kind of freakin' supermodel because I was trying to trick people into thinking I was on an actual date with the Toddtender. I am not sure I fooled anyone, but it was fun to pretend.

The show was great, but I think my favorite part of the night was just hanging out with the Toddtender at his home bar. I mean, he didn't have to work, so it was fun to have him standing on my side of the bar. And later, when he had a few drinks, he flexed his biceps for me, but I couldn't touch them because I was afraid my face would melt off from desecrating something so obviously holy and divine as his arms.

Don't get me wrong. The Toddtender is, first and foremost, my friend. He is like a brother to me. But he is like a really, really hot brother who is, maybe, only a stepbrother and we didn't really grow up together so it is hard not to have sometimes inappropriate thoughts about him. Or maybe we are very, very distant cousins, and we grew up in separate towns raised by our respective parents, but then someone's parents die (his) and so the other parents (mine) take him in and start calling him my brother, but I still always want to go down to the basement and watch him whenever he works out because there is something so amazing about seeing him perform the bench press.

Silence.

Can I call you back?

Christmas is Coming

Today I was washing dishes in my tiny kitchen and started feeling like I wanted to hear Christmas carols.

I have joked on the podcast about Christmas being just around the corner. The other night at the bar I asked a couple guys what plans they had for Christmas. What is up with this?

I like Christmas, but have never in my life started thinking about the holiday before January ends. Maybe something big is coming for me this year. Maybe by this Christmas my dating hiatus will be over (it has been a year since I've been on a date) and I will have a boyfriend!

It would be so cool to have a boyfriend at Christmas. I've never been involved with someone during Christmas - well, not since my long-term relationship ended over four years ago.

So I am thinking that maybe I am clairvoyant on some level and can see that this Christmas will be a very special one for me, and that is why I'm looking forward to it so much.

Do you think it is possible that I am psychic and don't know it? Wouldn't that be quite a paradox!

The Burning Crusade and Why I'm Missing It

I don't talk about gaming much, but I figured I owe at least a passing nod to the game now played by over 8 million people worldwide, World of Warcraft. For those of you who are not geeks, I promise to be gentle.

The World of Warcraft Burning Crusade was released by Blizzard this week, which means I am spending a lot of time alone in this massively multi-player online roleplaying game (MMORPG).

See, I didn't reserve a copy of the expansion, so I have to wait until the fuss dies down before I will find an available copy to purchase. So for now I am still playing WoW without all the new features, and there are lots of them -

Higher Levels!
Ever since people found out this expansion to WoW was coming, they have been frantically trying to level up their characters so they could play in all the new areas contained in The Burning Crusade. Leveling up is just what it sounds like. You complete quests and fight enemies in order to advance, or level up, in skills and abilities. Up until now, the highest level character you could have was 60. Now there is a new cap, or high level, of 70. You can't even explore some of the new areas of the game until you reach these higher levels. Since many players have reached higher levels, they are off exploring zones my level 41 character can't visit.

So last night it was just me and a bunch of starving vultures and prowling tigers hanging out in the "Badlands" - which, incidentally was the name of a great bar I visited once in San Francisco, and I actually got propositioned to join a three-way that night - but that is not what this post is about.

Remind me later, and I'll tell you more about that.

New Races!
Some players are actually starting the game over so they can create, or "roll up", a new character. The new races are the Blood Elves and the Draenei. I won't go into that now. New characters always start in a newbie zone where they can begin fighting and leveling without harassment from powerful enemies. Since so many people are starting up in the Blood Elf and Draenei homelands, that means more room for me in all the other areas. Usually I find that I am sort of competing to kill monsters, but right now the creatures are plentiful. In fact, they are a little overwhelming. The minute I kill one raptor, another one is right behind me.

I am curious about what it must be like to play a Draenei or Blood Elf, but even if I had the expansion, I wouldn't start over with a new character. I am too monogamous for my own good sometimes. I have been really committed to my rogue character, Secrecy.

World of Warcraft, for those who have goals, must be so much fun. For me, it is a way to pass time. Yes, I enjoy "leveling up", but I also waste tremendous amounts of time. The other day I just followed random non-player characters (NPC) around Stormwind to see where they were going. NPCs are just computer characters who are built into the game. You can interact with some of these characters. Or, if you are like me, you can just follow them around.

I saw one NPC walking with her two children. Her son kept saying, "Are we there yet?" or "Why are we going this way?". I thought maybe if I followed them I would get to see the children get kidnapped by an evil wizard - or maybe the frustrated mother would murder her offspring. (Things like this never actually happen in the game, but I always think I will be the first to witness a wizard kidnapper or a double filicide in a dark alley.) So I followed behind them for about 35 minutes as they trekked from one end of the city to the other. Finally, the lady, we'll call her Shirley, and her children entered a shop. This is the riveting scene I witnessed:

Shirley: Hello, Mandy. I need to buy some cheese.
Mandy: Certainly! It is good to see you.
Shirley: How is business?
Mandy: Great! Well, here is your cheese. Thanks so much for coming in, Shirley. Say hello to your husband.
Shirley: Will do! Light's honor, friend.

Shirley and her children exit the store, walk a few feet and disappear back to their "starting point" to begin their story all over again.

What a waste of 35 minutes. Now you can see why I am still level 41.

Open Letter to Big Red Dave

From: Todd, the STAR of the Todd & Pony Show
To: Big Red Dave
Subject: Your Complete Awesomeness

Dave -

We can't thank you enough for being our very first donor! Someone almost beat you to the punch, but not quite.

Last week I received word from a listener in Uganda who said she wanted to transfer a million dollars into my bank account because her father died in some revolutionary action there, but I haven't heard back from her since I faxed my social security number and bank account numbers to her. So, because of her procrastination, you are officially the first Todd & Pony Show donor. (I keep accidentally typing "fist donor" and am trying to figure out if that is some sort of Freudian slip)

Thank you, Dave! We will be sure to mention our deep love for you and all things big and red on our next show. We will be happy to send the accolades of our listeners your way, so we'll be sure to link to your website when we post our show next week. (When I say "we", of course I mean "Pony - with little or no assistance from Toddy")

Hugs & Kisses,
Todd & Pony

www.toddandponyshow.com

Let's Go Back in Time!

I hope this isn't overkill, because I actually wrote this post a few days ago when I was reflecting on Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven and blogs in general.

Your comments from the last post have officially humbled me. I could never be as good as your comments make me feel. Thank you for your generous spirits, dear readers and friends.

I need to update you on seeing the hilarious Kathy Griffin on Saturday night, and I also should tell you about the latest fun episode of the Todd & Pony Show. But I will have to save that for another day, because right now I wanna talk about the distant past.

In February of 2004, I wrote about why I write.

I mean:
I wrote about the reason I write in February 2004.

Uh:
It was February 2004 when I posted my reasons for writing.

No:
Back in February of 2004, I shared my reasons for blogging.

I do that all the time. If you blog, I'll bet you do it too. C'mon, admit it. You edit yourself too, right? Surely I can't be alone in this.

Sometimes it gets frustrating. I'll have to write a sentence three or four different ways before it sounds okay. (That's another thing - you don't really know how it sounds unless you read it out loud - so really I'm just talking about how it sounds in my head - by the way I have such a sexy voice in my own mind - you wouldn't even believe it!)

Did you see the way I employed parentheses in that last paragraph? It is astounding, isn't it? I have always felt that my use of parentheses at Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven is somewhat revolutionary. I am the Che Guevara of grammar. (Not really.)

Anyway - do you wanna see what I wrote in February 2004? No? Okay see you later!

Thanks for sticking around. You're my favorite reader. I can't stand those impatient ones who surf away just because I threaten to share material that is almost three years old.

Here is what I wrote way, way back in the beginning...

[Insert dreamy time travel music here, and stare straight ahead really hard for a couple seconds until your vision goes blurry. This will increase your enjoyment of the rest of this post, because you will actually feel as if you have traveled back to February of 2004.]

[[Oh, one more thing - Do not try this if you are operating heavy machinery - although I think you are safe if you are just sitting at your computer - which is, technically, heavy machinery, I guess - but I think the warning generally applies to bulldozers and stuff like that. Anyway - back to the dreamy time travel thing....]]

Wednesday, February 11, 2004

What Sort of Diary?

I went a bit link crazy today. No, a LOT link crazy.

I finally got around to seeing The Hours. I was probably one of the first to read the book. But, in spite of my love for all things Streep, I didn't see the movie until last night.

The DVD had some great special features, and I was particularly pleased with the Virginia Woolf biography.

I know these words have been posted on countless blogs before, but Virginia Woolf's thoughts on keeping a diary are so applicable to so many of us who blog. If you've seen this before, just consider it a reminder.

What sort of diary should I like mine to be?

Something loose-knit and yet not slovenly,
so elastic that it will embrace anything solemn, slight or beautiful that comes into my mind.

I should like it to resemble some deep, old desk,
a capacious hold-all in which one flings a mass of
odds and ends without looking them through.

I should like to come back after a year or two
and find that the collection had sorted itself and
refined itself and coalesced -- as such deposits so mysteriously do -- into a mold,
transparent enough to reflect the light of our life
and yet steady, tranquil compounds
with the aloofness of a work of art.- - Virginia Woolf

The pressure is off. I don't have to be as politically savvy as Adam or top (no pun intended) Ryan's steamy exploits.

I can't begin to arrange my words as artfully as he can.

My life is nowhere near as exciting as his or his.

I am not as funny as Skot or Greg. But, damn, I want to be.

My blog is ugly and bland when compared to...well, most people's, but especially Philo's.

But Toaster Oven is mine, all mine. I am so pleased to be part of such a creative and stimulating dialogue. I had no idea that blogging would enhance my life so much. I think differently and am conversing with interesting people and learning new things every day.

It is a bit scary to have Virginia Woolf as a role model, I admit. There are rivers galore in Portland, and the temptation to drown myself pulls at me every time George W. opens his mouth. But, thankfully, I have a source of comfort Virginia Woolf never had.

[Insert dreamy "return to present day" music here so readers understand they are no longer back in February 2004]

Well, at least I can say that my blog is no longer ugly and bland, thanks to Pony's design!

Several of the people I linked to in that post are no longer blogging. If you want to, you can go back and check the links in the original post, but you'll run into a lot of dead ends. Even the link about my source of comfort has vanished, and I have no idea what I was referring to. But it was probably a picture of a ketchup bottle.

Perseverance

See those blogs I've listed over on the right side of the screen? Do you realize how much work I have put into those links?

I don't do it the new-fangled way. I understand there are programs that allow you to just click a button to add a new blog to your links. But I type every single blog link under "Worship Them" into my template. Now that's dedication. If only I could find time to read them all on a regular basis.

All too often, it seems that these blogs disappear within a month or two. There are probably so many blogs in my blogroll that are defunct. (There is a theatre company in Portland called Defunkt and they have permanently ruined my ability to spell the word without looking it up.)

I understand why people quit blogging. There are so many reasons. Some people feel let down when stats are low and indicate nobody is reading. Others have so many hits that they feel overwhelmed and get performance anxiety. Finding a new boyfriend or girlfriend is a big reason for people to drift away from blogging. Boredom, illness, drama and alien abduction are also very popular reasons people stop blogging.

There have been many times since starting Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven that I have felt like quitting. Sometimes I have wanted to quit when my personal life blew up because of something I posted. (This could be a book. I swear. You have no idea.)

People have been upset with me for writing about them, and others have been upset for not writing about them. Sometimes it feels like you can't win. But I don't care anymore. I really don't. In fact, if you were about to leave a very nice comment saying that this is my blog and I should write what I want, please don't trouble yourself. For one thing, you are correct and very kind to want to encourage me. For another thing, I don't need encouragement in that area. It has become a full-fledged conviction of mine that I am allowed to write whatever I want.

Another reason I have almost quit writing is that I've felt lazy. Just don't want to be bothered to update. That is a little bit of how I'm feeling right now. But I'm trying to push through. Even if I post pictures of my belt, (hard-hitting commentary is not my forte) at least I'm posting something.

Why is it important for me to post something, even if I don't think I have anything to say? Well, as it turns out, sometimes the posts I think are most inane and pointless actually provoke discussions and change in others. I have received e-mails from people who told me they decided to come out of the closet because of something I wrote. Another person decided to move across the country after he read a post of mine. (No, he wasn't moving further away from me. You know you were thinking that.) Maybe posting about tightening my belt will inspire someone to lose weight. Maybe it will inspire someone to buy me a new belt. Maybe it will inspire someone to start a blog because they know they could do a much better job of writing than I do, and that person will become famous for his or her blog, and they will rise to international acclaim. And all because I wrote about my belt.

Once I almost quit blogging because someone I know had legal issues and I was linked to the person. So, it seemed that my blog was suddenly under investigation due to someone else's actions. It made me paranoid. But I didn't quit. I did, however, destroy all evidence of my links to the Russian secret police.

I know some of you have stuck around for quite awhile. Do you remember some of those crazy crushes I felt compelled to share with the world? Some readers know everything that happened on some of my first dates and all sorts of intimate details of second dates. Sometimes I've said too much - sometimes not enough.

I love you readers who have stuck with me through the years. Staying power means something to me. Too many bloggers have come and gone. Too many readers have come and gone. But you and me? We're gonna be a "happily ever after" story. I feel it deep down inside.

Love,
Hot Toddy

P.S. Once I wrote all my friends a letter on my birthday to let them know how much I love them. Two people perceived it as a suicide letter. I guess I sometimes become over-zealous about letting people know they make me happy, but, trust me, I'm feeling great.

Nine Days of Bliss

Obviously I did not make a resolution to blog more often.

Even though I haven't written lately, life has been very fulfilling. Honestly, I haven't felt any pressure to write, and the first nine days of January have been blissful.

Last week I was at home one evening, and I watched two episodes of Neat on Discovery Home that motivated me to jump off the couch and begin purging my apartment of clutter. Two full trash bags were carried out to the dumpster that evening.

My closet is getting emptier. I've begun the process of "retiring" my big baggy clothes. Because I'm oddly concerned about hurting my clothes feelings, I take them out one last time before I trash them. I've worn some really baggy clothes to CC Slaughters in the past few weeks, but everything I've trashed has had a goodbye party so at least I don't feel as guilty.



My belt is tightened to the last hole now.


I threw out some stuff that a couple ex-boyfriends gave me. Items that once held emotional significance for me had started to feel more like burdens I felt obliged to store on someone else's behalf.

It feels good to throw out stuff that no longer fits my body, but it feels better to throw out stuff that no longer fits my heart.

Future and Past

The Future

I am not much for making new year's resolutions. The whole idea of goal-setting is just so left-brained and logical. I really like to make impulsive and highly emotional decisions. It works for five-year-olds and mental patients, and that's good enough for me!

Nevertheless, I have done some thinking about what I'd like to accomplish this year, so I thought I'd write out my goals here. My little sister, who always has more money than I do and who is successful in all her professional endeavors, has a mantra. She says "An unwritten goal is just a dream." My mantra is, "An unwritten goal usually stays unwritten because I've usually forgotten the goal by the time I find a pen." I'll try, though, to capture a few ways I could improve myself this year. Let's just wait and see what happens.

In 2007 I would like to study a foreign language. I was a French minor in college, but I haven't kept up with it, so I'm going to try to brush up on that one. I also know some Swedish, but am not at all fluent. Norwegian is similar, but is just different enough to be frustrating, so maybe I will try to study that language this year. After all, my heritage is Norwegian, which might explain why tears filled my eyes when I watched the film about Norway when I was at Epcot last week. The thing is, I am really wanting to start from scratch and learn a language that I'm completely unfamiliar with. Since I am planning a trip to Germany in 2010 for the Gay Games, I plan to start studying German. Immersing myself in German culture and the language will be very fun and interesting to me, and I'm hoping I can find a course that I can load onto my iPod.

Another accomplishment I'd like to strive for this year would be getting something published or having another play produced. Writing is something I feel I do well, but I'm still very insecure about my ability to create a compelling story. The idea of trying to write a book or even a magazine article is daunting to me, but I think it is mostly fear of the unknown. When I write a play I constantly feel tentative about the choices I'm making for the characters, and I usually feel that my plot is weak. Generally, I require a shove from someone like my friend Juju or her fiance Metro before I start writing. It would be nice if I could be my own coach this year in that area.

The Past

Last year was a good one, and I've identified a few highlights. There were many great moments, but I think the most impacting and memorable experiences for me were these:

In January I was able to travel to Tokyo, thanks to a very convincing e-mail from my buddy Metro. This was my first trip to an Asian country, and I had very little idea of what to expect. Traveling with five other guys made the trip more fun, and since Metro speaks Japanese we were able to have a lot more fun as well as avoid spending too much money in touristy areas. I also learned how to play both poker and dice games. This was a great way for all of us to unwind in the inn, or ryokan, every night before dinner, and it is one of my favorite memories of the trip.

Softball brought a tremendous amount of personal growth into my life in the spring and summer of 2006. I surprised myself in many ways, and I found great satisfaction in competition. My team honored me with the title of Most Improved Player, and I am already looking forward to this year's softball season. If it were not for the Toddtender, my great friend who is also a bartender at CC Slaughters, I would never have attempted this journey into the world of sports. I'm so glad I did!

In July I experienced a life-changing event. I traveled to Chicago for the Gay Games, and I cheered for my friend, Muscle Chick, who competed in the bodybuilding competition. She was a friend who really helped me pull myself together in the early part of 2006 when I was really doing poorly emotionally, physically and mentally, and because of her pep talk, I decided I'd be an all-around healthier person by the time I visited Chicago. Muscle Chick took home a bronze medal from the games, and I took home a powerful feeling of pride. There was a time in my life when I would have given anything to be able to be heterosexual. I'll never feel that way again, because being at the Gay Games made me feel honored to be a gay man. There are no words to describe the power of my experiences at the Gay Games, and I will never forget the deep truths I learned from being part of the celebration.

As I mentioned previously, Juju has always been an inspiration to me, and it's because of her that I was published in 2006. From Boys to Men is an anthology of stories about growing up gay. I'm ashamed to tell you that I almost didn't submit my story for this book. I actually missed the first deadline for submissions but Juju reprimanded me, so I made sure to send something to the editors in order to get her off my back. I'm so fortunate to have friends like Juju who push me to achieve!

The Todd & Pony Show debuted in 2006 and has been a wonderful experience. Surprisingly, I've developed some discipline and am learning more about putting together a show than I learned as a Broadcast Communications major in college. Pony is an awesome partner, and he is the true driving force behind the podcast. He keeps us on schedule, and sometimes he is even successful at keeping me from drifting too far off topic during the show. He edits the show and handles every technical aspect of our podcast, and I do nothing but show up with a couple page of notes for podcast topics and segments. Every week we tackle a new topic, and we have a great time with special guests too. The Golden Boy was our first guest. He is a great guy, and we had a lot of fun with him! Juju's guest appearance was so popular with our listeners that we brought her back again and again. She has become a regular on the show, and it seems nobody can get enough of her wit and charm! Zeroes recently discussed porn and sexuality with us on the show, and I hope we can have him back sometime soon.

In looking back over the year, I realize that all of my favorite experiences were brought about through friendships. My friends push me towards the light, and they pull me from the pit. Having a friend who makes your life happier is a blessing that should never be taken for granted. True friendship should be honored with fierce loyalty and heartfelt gratitude. The biggest blessing of my life is that I have so many friends, and it would take me hours to write the names of those I love who love me in return. A handful of my friends have been mentioned here, but there are so many more who have made me smile throughout the year, and many of you who read Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven are included in that number. Your e-mails and phone calls and comments have meant so much to me on a daily basis. I hope that we all continue to inspire each other in 2007, and I look forward to making even more friends this year!

New Year's Egg Explosion

After spending a loooooong holiday with my family at Walt Disney World, I've returned home to my sweet hometown of Portland, Oregon. My Orlando Christmas was jam-packed with activities such as trying to reign in my 63-year-old "Disney Fast Pass" obsessed father and attempting to get my darling mother to stop giving me money. (Every time I turned around she was shoving twenties at me) - "Mom, stop giving me money, I'm okay!"

Due to tornadoes in TX, many flights routed through Dallas were cancelled, so I returned home two days later than expected. I finally rolled into town late yesterday and promptly jumped onto my couch for a nap so I'd be ready for New Year's Eve festivities.

I woke up at 10:30 pm, and I felt like I'd been run over by Cinderella's carriage. So I turned in for the night, sad to know I'd miss ringing in the new year with friends, but thankful to be at home in my wonderful apartment sanctuary.

This morning I kicked off the new year right with a big explosion in my kitchen. Did you know that if you peel hard-boiled eggs and then heat them in the microwave for one minute you can create an egg bomb? As I used a spoon to cut a freshly microwaved egg in half, I heard a loud pop (Happy New Year!), and my face was sprayed with hot egg yolk confetti. Fortunately, I was wearing my glasses, so my eyes were protected from the yolk.

Is this an indication of things to come in 2007?

Hope your 2007 is safe and happy! Be careful of eggs.