Dating is Fun
If you want to go on a date with me someday, please do not read today's entry. I know I can trust you to just move along to somebody else's blog today. I'll give you a couple minutes to leave.
Go click on a link to the left or something.
Okay, now that is just me and the countless people who don't want to date me, here is how I get ready for a first date with a person I have only chatted with on the phone or online.
Todd's First Date Agenda
1. Hear cell phone and check caller ID. Ignore the person calling to ask you on a date until they leave a message. Don't answer your cell when they call. Just stare at their phone number on the screen and think to yourself, "I wonder what they want?"
2. Ignore the voice in your head that says, "you know what he wants. He wants to meet you for a drink or something."
3. If he calls you more than three times in an hour WITHOUT leaving a message, just go ahead and answer. Worry that he is a stalker. Decide to deal with that later because he could be a handsome stalker.
4. Chat with him and agree to meet him for a drink in two hours. Try to sound like you are being spontaneous and that the thought of a date tonight hadn't occurred to you.
5. Hang up and stare straight ahead thinking about what you should wear. Forget to breath for a minute.
6. Realize you don't feel well from the not breathing thing and start breathing again.
7. Don't get up from the chair. Repeat steps 5 and 6 as necessary.
8. If roommate comes home to tell you what to wear, move on. If not, repeat steps 5 and 6 until you realize you now have one hour before you are supposed to meet your date.
9. Get up from the chair in a panic, drink some vodka, throw something on, drink some vodka, play with your hair, listen to some music (preferably Italian and sappy) and drink some vodka.
10. Go stand in your closet for a second and start crying.
11. Wonder what is wrong with you and then remember you don't like the pressure of dating.
12. Worry about what it will be like if you become boyfriends and you have to break up with him someday.
13. Worry about what it will be like if you become boyfriends and he dumps you someday.
14. Wonder if you will have an open relationship or if he wants to be monogamous. Hope he wants to be monogamous but decide he may be able to convince you to try an open relationship.
15. Remember that it is your first date and stop crying.
16. If your roommate is home, go tell her you are freaking out and crying in your closet. Talk until you are both laughing.
17. If your roommate is not home, drink some vodka and stop crying on your own.
18. Realize you have 45 minutes until you must arrive for your date. Run out the door and head for a bar near your final destination so you can have a drink before you go have a drink.
19. Sit at the bar, don't speak to anyone, look down at your drink, and look worried until your bartender asks why you are so quiet.
20. Wonder how loud you must normally be for him to ask you such a thing.
21. Tell him and everybody unfortunate enough to be within earshot that you are about to have a first date and you think it might be horrible because you had such a great talk on the phone yesterday.
22. Attempt to explain the logic of the illogical reasoning you have just stated. Look how many strangers are listening to your story. Shut up.
23. Try to believe the female impersonator sitting at the bar when she says it will be fine and that you should just relax.
24. Finish your drink and go on your date. Suddenly realize you probably had too many drinks before the date and that you suddenly don't feel as worried as you did an hour ago.
25. Walk in the door, see his handsome face smiling at you (better than his picture), be happy you are there, and have a great conversation.
26. After a wonderful time, walk him to his car, suggest that you do it again sometime, and say goodbye in some really vague non-affectionate way so he won't know how much you like him.
27. Obsess, obsess, obsess. Write him an e-mail at work the next morning and figure out how long you will wait for his response before you call him.
28. Think about how fun dating is.
29. Decide to write about it on your blog.
30. Finish your blog. Go check your e-mail to see if he wrote you back yet.