Snapple Lids

Author's note: Warning! This entry has caused choking, loss of bladder control, and projectile vomiting among certain readers. Proceed at your own risk.

My Snapple lid is scaring me.

"Real Fact" #32 on my Snapple lid says "There are 1 million ants for every person in the world."

They should call this lid trivia Snapple Facts of Terror or, if they are very attached to their inappropriate use of quotation marks, "Facts of Terror".

According to Snapple, there are 1 million ants for each of us. Including me. Is this a threat, Snapple? Can you give me a little more detail? Are the ants going to be delivered to me at some point, or am I supposed to gather them myself? What will I do with 1 million ants? If I remember correctly, they can lift several times their body weight, so I may start a moving company or something with mine. Anyone out there already have their 1 million ants? What did you do with them? I need suggestions!

What happens if someone dies? If there were 1 million ants for that person, does ownership simply transfer to a newborn? Or are my million ants mine for all eternity? Are they exterminated when I die (inhumane!) or is there some sort of ant orphanage?

When people set ant traps, are they killing someone else's ants, or are we to assume the ants around our homes are actually ours? Are we even allowed to kill our million ants? If we kill them, will more come to take their place so that we will always have an even million?

Hey, Snapple, who counted? I'm not good with numbers, but if you claim there are a million ants for every person in the world, then there must be something like - god - 7 million ants?

You don't quote your source on the lid, so I don't even know how to follow up on this claim. I went to the website to see if there was any way I could request my ants be donated to someone else or sent to an animal sanctuary, but there was no useful information there.

Just telling me there are a million ants for me isn't sufficient, Snapple. I need to know how to process this information. Pardon me for sounding all project management-y but what are the next steps?

Anyone who has already received your million ants, please contact me immediately. I didn't know about this until this morning when I almost threw away my Snapple lid. Good lord, what if I had actually thrown it away without reading it? I think this information needs a better method of dissemination. If there are people who don't drink Snapple, they will never know about their million ants. It would be horrible to wake up with them on your doorstep if you weren't expecting them.

I'm going to go get another Snapple and see what else I can find out. I'll let you know.