News Update (Closed Captioned)

Okay, so Mars used to have water on it. Things change. Move on. My partner used to love me until he decided he needed to be single for a while and started dating someone 24 hours after we broke up. Get over it people. There's nothing to drink on Mars. Don't go there. Even if there were still water on Mars, there certainly wouldn't be any Vodka Tonics, so what is the point?

I bet you think I don't ever watch the news, right? Based on the fact that I treat every precious little anecdote of my failed dating exploits like a CBS Special Report and spend hours writing love letters to wrestlers, I can understand why you might think that. But you would be wrong. Sometimes I do watch the news.

Last night after work I viewed the local news from a stool at JOQ's while downing a couple Mirror Ponds. On the television, the news was airing with the sound turned down and the closed captioning turned on. I glanced up in time to see a story about a gorilla that escaped at the Dallas Zoo and began praying for Mark's safety. Now, I know the animal was killed, but for some reason the closed captioning claimed it was in protective cuss body.

I would like to have protective cuss body. If someone attempted to harass me or steal the flask off my key chain, my protective cuss body would make them get the fuck away from me, of that you can be sure. My protective cuss body would fire off expletives that would make Howard Stern tremble.

The next story was about an old family restaurant in Portland called "Waddles". Waddles is closing after something like 3 billion years of serving grease browns and eggs to health conscious Oregonians. The old restaurant is going to become a Krispy Kreoughnut store.

I love me some Krispy Kreoughnuts. I like to drive by the Krispy Kreoughnut store and see if the neon sign says the Kreoughnuts are ready and are extra Krispy.

Next came a feature story on an auto recycler in Portland. This auto recycler is the largest auto recycler in the nersorth. Do you understand how huge that is? I mean, of all the auto recyclers in the entire nersorth, this is the biggest. Wow. It is probably because the owner speaks fo languages!

Burger King's slumping sales have resulted in an overhaul to The Whopper. From now on the burgers will be made with bigger bee. I didn't realize there was small bee in the original burgers, but knowing this certainly makes me glad I'm a vegetarian. How many bees have people been unknowingly eating with their fries? Well, if Burger King feels bigger bee will help their product sales, more power to them. I am no marketing expert.

During the weather report, the KATU news team switched cameras over to the pee near Pioneer Park.. I strained my eyes, but could see no pee. The transcribers for closed captioning have apparently mastered Portland weather terms and can probably type "rain" and "cloudy" with their eyes closed by now. So not much to report in the way of weather.

The newscast ended with the standard sign off: Have gat night.

So, there I was at JOQ's scribbling notes on trick pads so that I could report my closed captioned news to you, my beloved readers. I endured critical looks as I giggled and jotted down misspellings. Nobody bought me a drink or approached me to say hello, and do you know why? I looked like a crazy person. And I did it all for you.

No wonder I'm single, but at least I'm well-informed. Have gat day!!!