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Seething Cakes of Hatred

Making pancakes, as I learned at AP's birthday bash at the beach this weekend, is an unbelievably tedious chore. I don't know why I...

Monday, March 01, 2004

Dear Internet Pop-Up Ad Creators:

You are the devil. You make me want to click your links all the time, even though I know I will be sucked into an endless loop of crappy advertisements. Today you almost got me with your "Which One is Nemo?" pop-up. Three little fishies on my monitor, and only one of them was a clown fish.

I totally knew which fish was Nemo, and I felt an overwhelming urge to prove it to you. But I fought it because I did not want to get lost in Amazon.com or a pantyhose website or wherever your devious plans intended to take me. You piss me off so much, Internet Pop-Up Ad Creators.

I desperately want to try to catch the monkey with my mouse. I know I could do it. He is not that fast. But who knows what will happen when I click? I bet I won't even get a chance to capture the monkey, and you'll just take me to some website for discount airfare or something. You dick me around a lot, Internet Pop-Up Ad Creators. A few days ago when I tried to enter my zip code into the box to claim my mystery prize, you took me to a weight loss site where I had to enter my weight in stones to see if my body fat was too high. The mystery prize was never discussed again, and I did not know my weight in stones. I felt betrayed.

And another thing, Internet Pop-Up Ad Creators...

Sometimes you are like the Glenn Close character in Fatal Attraction, which I tried to link here before you inundated me with 25 pop-up ads as I tried to visit the movie site for a picture of her being all psycho. When Michael Douglas hung up the phone on crazy Glenn, she called back over and over and over. She would not be ignored. She couldn't take a hint. That's what you do to me. Man, I despise you.

You are like that jobless old guy I (accidentally) slept with one time who called my cell phone three or four times a day for weeks afterwards even though I never answered his calls because I assumed it was pretty clear we would never get together again since his mother, who he still lived with, BANGED ON THE DOOR AND TOLD US TO KEEP IT DOWN while we were doing it.

My point is, when I try to close the pop-up ads you wickedly concoct, I am often confronted with ads popping up faster than I can close them. I watch the bottom of my window filling up with dozens of links and feel so hopeless. How will I EVER close them all? How will I resist the urge to click and click and click?! I am Sisyphus rolling the stone up the hill only to have it tumble to the bottom again.

The problem is especially bad when I am looking at porn.

Which I don't do.

Just remember, Internet Pop-Up Ad Creators, that Michael Douglas drowned Glenn in the bathtub AND his wife shot her. I am so ready to kill you, pop-up ad creators. Step off.

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