Dear The Rock:

I'm addicted to you. Don't you know that you're toxic?

I love you, The Rock. May I call you The? Your muscular body and cocky attitude make me want to touch myself appropriately, and I would give up almost anything except ketchup to be with you. You are so hot. Like Vin Diesel if he were handsome.

The fact that you are a wrestler probably has a lot to do with my attraction, because when I was 13 and watching wrestling on TV I got excited and fidgety. I was investigating my body to find the source of the tension, and when I found it some magic things happened to me. After the magic things happened, I found that wrestling matches could always bring more magic, and I was hooked. If VCRs and you had been around when I was 13, I would have never left the house. I would have pretended to be paralyzed so my parents wouldn't make me go to middle school. I know this would have worked because Phoebe Tyler tricked her husband Charles and everyone in Pine Valley with this same ruse. Of course Phoebe wasn't trying to stay home and masturbate while watching wrestling, but I still think it is a good idea.

Oh, The, you are the perfect man. You are an inch shorter than me, and I bet you have never dated someone taller than you! Wouldn't that be exciting to try? Please say yes!

Even if you do not want to date me or be my magician, I would like to ask you for a favor. There are some people I would like you to beat up, and I will list them here for you. I hope you can help.

1. Please beat up the woman on my block who drives an SUV and has a stupid bumper sticker with a picture of a kitty cat that says: "I AM NOT IN HEAT. GET OFF MY TAIL." She has an underdeveloped sense of humor, and is of no use to anybody. I'm sure nobody has ever laughed at this bumper sticker, and it won't come off when I go out late at night with my flashlight and try to peel it off her bumper. I am sick of running back to my house after she scrambles to her front porch and screams threats that she will call the police. Just once I would like to be able to yell back at her, "You are about to smell what The Rock is cooking, woman."

2. I would like you to beat up the guy who gave me a cold on Sunday after I kissed him at Silverado. This can be narrowed down to two or three guys, but if you can't figure out which one is responsible just beat them all up. None of them were great kissers anyway.

3. Please beat up Omarosa from The Apprentice. For obvious reasons. I thought it would be enough for me when she got fired, but I feel I need more closure.

I should let you go work out your biceps, but before I do I want to tell you one more thing, The. You should run for governor somewhere. People always vote for the most muscular candidate. Also, I have heard that votes are guaranteed if you have a boyfriend who is taller than you. Let's conquer the world together.

I know you might not be gay. Might not. But even if you would just come over to my house and put me in holds (bear hug, please) that would be fine. If parts of your body accidentally got in my mouth, then so be it. Let the cheeks fall where they may.

I love you, The.

Hot Toddy