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Seething Cakes of Hatred

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Monday, March 29, 2004


My friend, Carolyn, called with some upsetting news this weekend. She is marrying Russ, her boyfriend of over 7 years. She and I got into an argument on the phone, because I told her that I will always be her friend, but I will not support this marriage. She even wanted me to be in the wedding party, and I was surprised she thought I would even consider it.

I don't think I am narrow-minded at all. I have always accepted that she is an adult and can date, or even live with, whomever she chooses. But I can't condone the marriage. You see, Russ is left-handed.

Marriage has traditionally been between two right-handed people. There are numerous studies showing that a child functions best in a home with two right-handed parents. It is hard enough to be a child without having the added burden of a left-handed parent. Can you imagine what it would be like to sit at a dinner table next to a left-handed parent and have to endure the torture of being elbowed by them when they cut their steak? Why subject a poor child to the taunts of other children who have normal parents? The humiliation of a left-handed parent coming to open house at school would be unbearable for such an unfortunate child.

Aside from the burden placed on the child, there are many other reasons I do not support left-handed marriage. Historically, marriage has been reserved for right-handed people. Everything that has ever been done historically is absolutely 100 percent correct and should not be meddled with. That is why it is historical. Historical = right. (Notice the word is RIGHT, not left?) Why can't people see this?

The Holy Bible does not once mention marriage for left-handed people. If left-handed marriage was not sinful, I believe God would have grabbed the right hand of one of the Bible's authors and forced him to write a Bible verse giving lefties permission to marry. In fact, I am pretty sure the Bible says right-handed people should marry, so it is implied that left-handed people should not. It's in there somewhere. Look it up.

I worry about the state of affairs if people like Russ and Carolyn marry. Yes, I know they love each other, and even though that is not my choice, I support their right to sleep together. But I will not participate in a wedding between a left-handed man and a right-handed woman. If they were to have some sort of civil union, that would be fine. I would send flowers and say "congratulations" because that is much less threatening to me than a "marriage".

If left-handed people are allowed to marry, what is next? They will want to marry horses and bicycles. If a left-handed person married a bicycle, can you imagine the burden that places on a child? Imagine a woman who has been raised by a left-handed mother and a bicycle father. On her wedding day, she will have to wheel a bicycle down the aisle instead of having a normal father escort her to her groom.

You can see what a mess things are becoming. And there is no way to stop this unless we amend the Constitution of the United States. Unfortunately, we can't allow states to decide the issue, because the only states that have any morals are the southern ones. Those northern states and the fruity west coast states will not have the morality to make the correct choice.

The RIGHT choice.


Anonymous said...

Right is sometimes wrong !

Percentage per head there is a higher percentage of left-handed genius' amongst left-handed people including Faraday (inventor of the capacitor, Einstein amonst many others)

Left-handed people are called 'South paws' because when facing West the left hand side is south-side.

Perhaps that's where the phrase ' Designed with a North eye' comes from, eh right handed idiot.

'God made man in his own image' - the signature of creation which runs through the whole of creation is left-handed.

Does this mean God is left-handed ?

No doubt you're a facist right handed fair headed person, I have seen them before - total assholes.

They say left handed are cac handed.
If lefties are then you are the cac.
I'll have a laugh thinking of that the next time I wipe a fair headed rightie from my ass the next time I go to the toilet.

Take your single figure (idiot rated)IQ and send it back to the sess pit which is your mind.

God said, "I'm getting rid of the left."

Sounds as if he was facing a leftie doesn't it. Perhaps he was ditching the facist fair headed single figured IQ idiot shithead.

Don't worry dear, this leftie is never going to marry you, I couldn't stand the stench of traitorous third turd.

I know where you are coming from dear, you can run but you can't hide.

So long reptoid.

Anonymous said...

Umm....k. You're obviously a moron. I'm assuming that with that level of intellect i'm more intelligent than your entire family combined. You believe wholeheartedly in the bible, are clearly illogical, and are simply a waste of energy. If you hadn't noticed, while there are many people who are left-handed because of brain damage there is also an overwhelming number of highly intelligent left-handers who are clearly superior to most right handers and are on average worth more as human beings. Oh, and did i mention you were a fundamentalist? that alone invalidates anything that pertains to or comes from you as vile shit.

Anonymous said...

wtf is wrong with u? you're absolutely sick

Anonymous said...


(Can't you tell that he's making fun of arguments for gay marriage? He isn't writing this seriously...)

I even saw this post on a forum about gay marriage.