Lefties

My friend, Carolyn, called with some upsetting news this weekend. She is marrying Russ, her boyfriend of over 7 years. She and I got into an argument on the phone, because I told her that I will always be her friend, but I will not support this marriage. She even wanted me to be in the wedding party, and I was surprised she thought I would even consider it.

I don't think I am narrow-minded at all. I have always accepted that she is an adult and can date, or even live with, whomever she chooses. But I can't condone the marriage. You see, Russ is left-handed.

Marriage has traditionally been between two right-handed people. There are numerous studies showing that a child functions best in a home with two right-handed parents. It is hard enough to be a child without having the added burden of a left-handed parent. Can you imagine what it would be like to sit at a dinner table next to a left-handed parent and have to endure the torture of being elbowed by them when they cut their steak? Why subject a poor child to the taunts of other children who have normal parents? The humiliation of a left-handed parent coming to open house at school would be unbearable for such an unfortunate child.

Aside from the burden placed on the child, there are many other reasons I do not support left-handed marriage. Historically, marriage has been reserved for right-handed people. Everything that has ever been done historically is absolutely 100 percent correct and should not be meddled with. That is why it is historical. Historical = right. (Notice the word is RIGHT, not left?) Why can't people see this?

The Holy Bible does not once mention marriage for left-handed people. If left-handed marriage was not sinful, I believe God would have grabbed the right hand of one of the Bible's authors and forced him to write a Bible verse giving lefties permission to marry. In fact, I am pretty sure the Bible says right-handed people should marry, so it is implied that left-handed people should not. It's in there somewhere. Look it up.

I worry about the state of affairs if people like Russ and Carolyn marry. Yes, I know they love each other, and even though that is not my choice, I support their right to sleep together. But I will not participate in a wedding between a left-handed man and a right-handed woman. If they were to have some sort of civil union, that would be fine. I would send flowers and say "congratulations" because that is much less threatening to me than a "marriage".

If left-handed people are allowed to marry, what is next? They will want to marry horses and bicycles. If a left-handed person married a bicycle, can you imagine the burden that places on a child? Imagine a woman who has been raised by a left-handed mother and a bicycle father. On her wedding day, she will have to wheel a bicycle down the aisle instead of having a normal father escort her to her groom.

You can see what a mess things are becoming. And there is no way to stop this unless we amend the Constitution of the United States. Unfortunately, we can't allow states to decide the issue, because the only states that have any morals are the southern ones. Those northern states and the fruity west coast states will not have the morality to make the correct choice.

The RIGHT choice.