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Wednesday, July 07, 2004

Dear Diary (1982)

Juju is gone. The house feels like a stage set that is being slowly dismantled after a successful two-year run of a hit comedy. My roomie is now living with Metro. It's partially my fault. I'm the one that snuck that Sade CD into the stereo the first night they kissed. The three of us were sitting around talking about what kind of music turned us on, and I wanted to see the two of them together so badly. I've always thought they would make a great couple.

So now they have found love, and I am shuffling around the house alone packing, listening to the music Jeff sent me and digging through the rubble. Sometimes I unearth some pretty interesting stuff.

In 1982 I was given a five year diary. The diary is green and black tartan plaid with gold leaf pages. On the side of the pages I scrawled "Go Go's" with a star in front of the name of the band. I was 16 when I started this diary, and I only kept up with it for a little over a year. Each day only allows for about two or three sentences, so the entries are short. In glancing through the entries, I have discovered two things about myself:

1. The more things change, the more they stay the same. I still have issues with losing weight and saving money, just like I did at 16.

2. I am better at blogging than I am at keeping a secret diary. The diary had a lock on it, but I lost the key (big surprise) so I had to cut it open in order to keep writing. I skipped writing for weeks at a time and completely stopped writing in it December 1983.

I am struck by my naivete in these entries. I feel like I'm reading the writings of a 12 or 13 year old, not a high school student. I'm sure I was much more sheltered than most of my peers due to a religious upbringing, serious self-esteem issues and a weight problem. Knowing I was gay and hiding it from my friends and family forced me to spend a lot of time alone. I didn't want them to know me, because I thought they would hate me. I definitely would not have even considered writing about any of my feelings for fear that someone would find the diary and read it.

So I spent a lot of time alone writing plays and performing them on a small stage my father built for me in the basement. I remember my youth as mostly happy, but I can also see a lot of self-doubt and gloom in the things I wrote about. By the end of high school I started partying a bit, hanging out with some "cool kids" and learning how to interact socially. But in 1982 I still had a long way to go.

I'll share a few entries with you, but if you weren't even born yet when I wrote this stuff, I don't want to hear about it...

January 5
It was hard to get up this morning. I've been trying to watch my diet but it's pretty hard! Dinnertime!! Bye.

January 6
So long carbos! [Note: I was counting carbs at 16] Starting tomorrow I'm switching to calories. I can have more of a variety. My fingers are crossed.

January 7
Sort of had a hayday but tomorrow I diet! Dad borrowed 100$(sic) from my account. He felt bad but I tried to be cheerful and tell him not to worry.

January 8
The diet seems to be too easy. So many calories allowed that I hardly have to try. [Note: No further diet entries in the entire diary]

January 16
The chemistry in this household is awful. What I would give if I lived with one of those TV families like 8 is Enough!

January 17
Tomorrow I have to take Gym. I wish I didn't have to. I only pray that I can pass it.

January 18
P.E. wasn't so bad. But Wednesday we wrestle. I can't stand that.

January 20
Wrestling isn't that bad.

January 23
We went out shopping for some pants tonight. I found a pair I loved, but they didn't fit.

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