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Monday, July 19, 2004

Toddy's Catatonic Date
This morning I told two of my friends that I had a bad date this weekend. They both started clapping their hands with glee. Not the kind of reaction I expected, but then they explained that they were looking forward to my blog about it. Great. So glad my life can entertain you all...
I chose the Italian Professional as my first date. Mostly because I had met him once before, so it was the least threatening option. As I've said many times, I am The Patron Saint of Paths of Least Resistance.
Since Juju moved out and I am alone in the house until I move in with The Handsome Prince, I had to provide my own therapy after the date. Therapy consisted of pizza and beer and Sex and the City. I also had a quick talk with myself in the car on the way home from the date.
Me:  I didn't have a great time on this date. What is wrong with me? WHY DIDN'T I LIKE HIM?
Other Me:  Why is that your fault? Why do you feel it is mandatory to like guys who ask you out?
Me:  Because I was in a cult.
Other Me: That is a stupid excuse.
Me:  Um, how about because I dropped that cake in 7th Grade?
Other Me: Try again.
Me:  I don't know. Maybe we just didn't click. Maybe it is not anybody's fault.
Other Me: That's better. Now go home and eat pizza and drink beer and watch a DVD.
Me:  I'm all over it.
The Italian Professional, for all I know, did not enjoy the date either. There are two sides to every story. I imagine the Italian Professional might describe our date like this...
Hello, my name is Tony, and I am guest blogging today for Hot Toddy. I don't really understand what a blog is, but Todd couldn't shut up about Toaster Oven, so I imagine it must be a really big deal. Anyway, I went out with Todd this weekend, and he's asked me to describe the date in detail.
Todd called at noon on the day of the date to find out where I lived so he could pick me up three hours later. He then called five minutes before he was supposed to be here to tell me he was running ten minutes late from having brunch with "a friend". I hung up thinking that he probably had double-booked dates for the day because he seems kind of slutty that way. So, after arriving 10 minutes late, Todd pulled up in front of my house. I was standing on the porch waiting. He could not get out of his car to open my door because he had stopped right in a lane of traffic. As cars swerved around Todd, I rushed to get in the car hoping to avoid seeing him rear-ended. If I were capable of being funny, I could make a joke about "being rear-ended" but, unfortunately, humor is mostly lost on me.
I noticed Todd was wearing sexy jeans and a black t-shirt. Over the t-shirt he was wearing a blue shirt with martini glasses on it. His attire seemed appropriate given the fact that I could smell vodka on his breath. No wonder his "brunch with a friend" went a bit long.
Anyway, Todd's car was dirty inside. It looked like it had never been vacuumed. There were dozens of empty water bottles inside. I also spotted a couple bags of gym clothes (I doubt they were clean) and there was a pair of boxer briefs laying out in plain view on the back seat. They were blue and kind of sexy, and I imagine how good Todd would look in boxer briefs, so I asked him for details about the show he's doing so that I can go see him naked. That is probably the only way I will get to see Todd naked.
Todd drove like a maniac. To make matters worse, he was listening to country music in the car. Can you imagine? He didn't even ask if it bothered me. I did not feel special. I pointed out a parking space to Todd, and he thanked me. He said he would never have seen it. Todd is sexy but not very smart. Anyway, as we walked to the theater to see the play Todd's friend was in, some cute guy started yelling Todd's name. Todd looked around and couldn't figure out who was yelling at him, so I had to point out the guy to Todd. Again, sexy but not smart.
This guy started complimenting Todd on his show, and I could clearly see Todd checking this guy out as they spoke. I was insulted. Again, I did not feel special. At least Todd introduced me. We walked further down the sidewalk, and Todd stopped to speak to a couple people smoking on the sidewalk. It turns out these were actors from the show we were going to see.
Todd must have mentioned the humidity a dozen times on the way to the theater, so I was relieved when we walked through the front doors into the cool air-conditioned lobby. What a relief to not have to listen to Todd's whining anymore. He informed me he was paying for my ticket, so he scored some points with that one. Todd socialized with several other people in the lobby and always made sure to introduce me. Maybe this date would be okay after all.
We sat down next to three of Todd's friends. I would later find out these people are referred to in this blog as The Handsome Prince, The Executive and Juju. Again, I was introduced as Todd's friend, and I muttered greetings to these beautiful people. I did not understand the play. Many of the words were big, and, as I told Todd, I have seen several plays at Center Stage that I did not understand.
During the show, Todd coughed and fidgeted a lot. He also seemed to be leaning away from me, almost as if he were attempting to cling to his friend, The Executive, who sat on Todd's other side. At intermission Todd walked out of the bathroom and passed me on his way back into the theatre. He didn't even seem to notice me. So I followed him meekly into the theatre rather than use my vocal powers to stop him. He apologized a bit too profusely and claimed he didn't see me standing outside the bathroom waiting. What a ditz. Again, I did not feel special.
After the show, I was informed that Todd wanted to go home and rest. He said he didn't feel well, so I said we could do drinks another time. I figured Todd probably had a third date scheduled or something. On our way to the car Todd was very quiet. I was very quiet. I think maybe Todd was bored. I was only quiet because Todd is so hot I felt intimidated by him. Why couldn't he see that and help me relax with a nice shoulder rub or something? He didn't touch me once on the whole date.
So Todd drove me home (quickly), plowed into some foliage by my driveway (at least he pulled out of traffic this time) and handed me a flyer to his show before pulling away. I did not feel special. I told him I would try to see his show, but I would have to take a nap first because it doesn't even start until 10:30 pm!  Can you imagine!? 10:30 pm!!!!! That is super late!!!!!
I was a bit depressed after the date, so I went home and ate pizza (no beer - that would make me sleepy, I'll bet) and watched Sex and the City. I wish we had done something different for this date like gone to karoke - er, korake? Um that singing thing. Whatever. I hate big words.

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