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Seething Cakes of Hatred

Making pancakes, as I learned at AP's birthday bash at the beach this weekend, is an unbelievably tedious chore. I don't know why I...

Friday, July 09, 2004

To All The Boys I've Loved Before, or, Unrequited Love

Sometimes I will listen to music that reminds me of a boy I have loved, and I will suddenly get tears in my eyes. I'm not talking about a crush or someone I've dated casually. I am talking about the three men I have actually loved. There are only three men in my life that I've cared about to this extent. Twice I said, "I am in love with you."

The third time it happened, it seemed so ridiculous that I couldn't even say I was in love with him, so I merely said, "I feel like I love you..."

I beat myself up about it a lot - why do I still care so deeply when I know these men don't return my love? In examining my relationship with each of these guys, I see some commonalities. In all three cases, I wanted the same things from each of them.

I wanted to help them (I'll save you!!)

I wanted to get laid (and did).

I wanted to be in love with them and have them feel the same.

One of the three fell in love with me too. Now, I don't play baseball, but that's not a great batting average, is it? One out of three? Not great, but it could be worse.

So, aside from my relationship with CT, the other men I fell for didn't return my feelings. I know, can you imagine someone not falling in love with me!?

The question is, why do I keep returning to these same men in my mind over and over? A young man at i need some inconsistency recently posted an entry on his blog that resonated deeply with me.

"And I don't know what I can do. I thought going away, keeping clear and staying busy would do it, would drive him out of my head, but that doesn't work. I can't stop thinking about him, wondering what he's doing, how he's doing, who he's doing. Please not who he's doing...
Whenever I think of him I feel this sad face come across me and I can't look happy, can't even do the fake happy smile that one is obliged to wear. I can't stop"

I don't know if there will be a day anytime soon when I don't think about my own personal "him" at all. So far I have thought about him every day since he entered my life. What do I want from him? All I know is he is with me all the time, and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it. Once he told me, "why wouldn't a guy want you? You're a catch!"

I responded, "I don't know. You tell me."


I know there are lots of sexy, kind, talented and loving men out there. If I ever find someone who wins my heart the way these three men have, I will pursue him to the ends of the earth if he returns those feelings.

It seems unfair to me that we humans have the capacity to fall in love with someone who doesn't love us back. That's downright cruel. But there's nothing any of us can do about it. I think about boys who have pursued me in spite of the fact that I didn't return their feelings. Mostly, I feel sorry for those guys because I know what it feels like to experience unrequited love. In fact, I hung up the phone and cried after telling one of these guys I didn't want to go on a second date with him. I hate rejecting people.

On the other hand, I can't make myself feel something if it isn't there.

I've experienced both sides of the game of love. So, I don't blame these men for whom I have feelings. None of them have ever been anything but kind to me. I know that in each case it simply "wasn't meant to be" - at least, not right now. That doesn't stop me from wanting them sometimes.

Jann Arden wrote a song called "Wishing That" and I have sung that song to all three of "my loves" at one time or another. (Fortunately, not at the SAME time - that might be cause for a little visit to my ex-therapist...) Granted, these men weren't in the room, but I sang to them in my heart and cried, "And when I held you, you would almost always hold me back. You could see through everything. I said I was falling, and you said not to fall on you. I've bitten every finger 'till it bled. Wishing that you loved me too...

Listen to my nervous laughter
sunken deep inside my heart
My lips are dry I'm teary eyed
For you my love
hearken all you fallen angels
Help me find a place to rest
My head is pounding here beneath
the weight of this
I'm wishing that..."

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