In January I'll be going with four friends to Tokyo. The trip organizer is Metro. Metro is an awesome person to have on a trip because he has so much energy and is constantly joyful. Seriously, I went on a road trip with him a couple years ago and he was the most consistently happy and easygoing person I've ever traveled with. Metro can speak Japanese, which is a plus. He learned the language so that he could understand Japanese video games. Most people think that's crazy, but I learned Swedish because I think Swedish guys are hot, so I don't judge him. Metro also has more blog names than anyone I know. I call him Metro, his girlfriend Juju refers to him as Link. And on his own blog, a video game review blog, Metro is known as pickypants.
GCB, who has already been traveling the world for months, will be there. GCB is famous in our circle of friends for primarily one thing: He takes his clothes off at parties. Always. GCB gets invited to lots of parties.
Superman will be there too. One of the funniest guys I know, hands down. He was hilarious to watch when he performed the play I wrote last year.
Devo is going on the trip and will provide much-needed balance. Never without a smile, Devo is all about making sure everyone is having a good time and, especially in my case, he makes sure everyone is getting the enormous amount of attention required to make me - I mean us - happy.
Yesterday, we e-mailed each other about getting together this Saturday to talk about the trip.
Metro:
Hey, Japan Party People. We're meeting at 7pm to drink and plan. It will be glorious. Come early for hot videogame action.
Hot Toddy:
Hot. Videogame. Action. What am I getting myself into?
GCB:
You can't wait 4 days for me to get back into town, you fuckers?
Metro:
Bro, we need to meet. I am not planning anything. The name of the game is intuative enjoyment.
Hot Toddy:
Can we change the name of the game to Intuitive Enjoyment?
Superman:
Is Intuitive Enjoyment anything like "Super Smash Brothers"? Or is it more of a "Root Beer Tapper" sort of thing? Should I bring my multi-sided dice?
Hot Toddy:
Superman, I will show you how to play Intuitive Enjoyment once we get to Tokyo.
Metro:
It's getting gay in here.
Superman:
Wow, Tokyo ain't gonna know what sodomized it!
Hot Toddy:
Can we get t-shirts made? "I Sodomized Tokyo"
GCB:
Oh, they sell those pre-made.
So, those are the guys I'll be with in Japan. This trip is gonna be awesome.
Thursday, December 08, 2005
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Attention Deficit Disorder and
The pigeons by my office take the stairs.
I don't know why they don't fly up the six or seven stairs leading to the park behind our building. I would never take stairs if I could fly.
I won't say I always take the easy way out of situations. Sometimes, in fact, I make things harder than they need to be. A few weeks ago I was performing on the river boat and got very hungry. We have access to the "Calliope Deck", which has snacks available at all hours. I grabbed a sandwich, but once I saw the label I couldn't eat it. I had to put the sandwich back because the label said, "Ham and Chedder".
My thought process was that if they can't spell the ingredients of the sandwich, it wouldn't be good to eat. I opted for the "Special Sandwich". I don't know what was in it, but at least everything was spelled correctly.
I think I had twelve sex dreams last night. And YOU were there, and YOU were there and YOU were there....
I always wonder if Snow White had just that one dress. I can't remember if she wore other outfits in the movie. I would hate to be on a show like LOST, where you couldn't change into different interesting costumes for different episodes. I think they should allow the actors to play around with funny costumes. Maybe one of the survivors could get hit on the head with a coconut and there could be a wacky dream sequence with chicken suits and nun costumes and stuff like that.
Today I am seeing a therapist. Some of you are probably shouting "THANK GOD" right now. The thing is, he specializes in gay and lesbian issues, relationship issues, depression, and Attention Deficit Disorder. We are so MFEO.
I am a depressed gay man with relationship issues who has Attention Deficit Disorder. If I don't score some kind of prescription from this session, something is seriously wrong.
I am finally at peace about being single. Now that Nick Lachey is available, I see why I had to go through that heart-wrenching breakup.
Sorry if this post gave you conversational whiplash. I can't focus today because I keep thinking about my trip to Tokyo next month (which I really need to write about) and my trip to the Gay Games next summer in Chicago. And pigeons. Of course I'm thinking about pigeons. And Snow White and therapy and Nick Lachey and one or two other things.
If you can't come up with a comment about at least one thing in this post, I don't know what to tell you, Scooter. Think of something witty.
I don't know why they don't fly up the six or seven stairs leading to the park behind our building. I would never take stairs if I could fly.
I won't say I always take the easy way out of situations. Sometimes, in fact, I make things harder than they need to be. A few weeks ago I was performing on the river boat and got very hungry. We have access to the "Calliope Deck", which has snacks available at all hours. I grabbed a sandwich, but once I saw the label I couldn't eat it. I had to put the sandwich back because the label said, "Ham and Chedder".
My thought process was that if they can't spell the ingredients of the sandwich, it wouldn't be good to eat. I opted for the "Special Sandwich". I don't know what was in it, but at least everything was spelled correctly.
I think I had twelve sex dreams last night. And YOU were there, and YOU were there and YOU were there....
I always wonder if Snow White had just that one dress. I can't remember if she wore other outfits in the movie. I would hate to be on a show like LOST, where you couldn't change into different interesting costumes for different episodes. I think they should allow the actors to play around with funny costumes. Maybe one of the survivors could get hit on the head with a coconut and there could be a wacky dream sequence with chicken suits and nun costumes and stuff like that.
Today I am seeing a therapist. Some of you are probably shouting "THANK GOD" right now. The thing is, he specializes in gay and lesbian issues, relationship issues, depression, and Attention Deficit Disorder. We are so MFEO.
I am a depressed gay man with relationship issues who has Attention Deficit Disorder. If I don't score some kind of prescription from this session, something is seriously wrong.
I am finally at peace about being single. Now that Nick Lachey is available, I see why I had to go through that heart-wrenching breakup.
Sorry if this post gave you conversational whiplash. I can't focus today because I keep thinking about my trip to Tokyo next month (which I really need to write about) and my trip to the Gay Games next summer in Chicago. And pigeons. Of course I'm thinking about pigeons. And Snow White and therapy and Nick Lachey and one or two other things.
If you can't come up with a comment about at least one thing in this post, I don't know what to tell you, Scooter. Think of something witty.
Friday, December 02, 2005
Letter from a Friend
For today I just want to share a tiny part of a beautiful letter I received from a dear friend. I've never met him, but he warms my heart deeply. Here is what Eclecticon has to say, and, if you are facing tough times, I hope this helps you stay strong.
Stay deep, Toddy. Examine the vast new territory that has been opened up to you by this relationship. I don't know how I know this, but I sense that there are great new magical places that you can now explore that would have been closed to you a year before. However, for this, you need courage, stamina, a sense of adventure and your friends. Oh, and love. There's lots of that around you. Notice it. Cherish it.
At first, this will be painful, but observe how plants flourish - particularly blooming plants like roses. At the end of every blooming season, you want to rid them of all their greenery. Strip off the leaves. Denude them of all those gorgeous leftover blooms. Pare back branches that steal away precious nutrients. Why? Because it's time for the core of the flower - the roots and the stem and the branches - to grow, get stronger, reach out, and prepare for ever new greenery, leaves, flowers, a new season of spectacular glory.
This is you, Toddy. Life is stripping things away. It is so severe it feels as if the very flesh is being flayed from your bones. Stand tall. Observe how life must now rebuild your core, make you stronger, make you MORE. Draw strength from it. Meditate on it. Find a quiet place where you can sit for a long time (which, for you, would be about two minutes, forty seconds), and feel the earth under your spirit. Look inside yourself for the new lands. What is it like, there? Try to see the newness. Clear away the scars of this last year so that you can explore yourself.
This is not a process for the weak - but you are not weak. However, it is also not a process for loners. Your strength, Toddy, comes from Auburn Pisces, the Math Whiz, the Handsome Prince, Auburn Aries, the Toddtender, Pony, Chopper, (Makers Mark!) - all those people who have remained constant in your life. Ground yourself in their love and their presence. Go to each one, look in their eyes, search out their love, and then GIVE. Pour out your love and affection to them. Give them hugs. Kisses. Where appropriate - gropes. Admire them. Let them know what you love about them and then seek to encourage them in all the ways you have been denied. When they seek to give to you, gratefully accept, and then pour the blessings of their love back upon them. Take these new lands, find the wells and the lakes and the oceans and channel them into fountains of joy, love and peace.
You can do it, Toddy. I know you can.
Seek magic. It's there. It's in you. It's beating upon you to be let out.
Love,
Eclecticon
Stay deep, Toddy. Examine the vast new territory that has been opened up to you by this relationship. I don't know how I know this, but I sense that there are great new magical places that you can now explore that would have been closed to you a year before. However, for this, you need courage, stamina, a sense of adventure and your friends. Oh, and love. There's lots of that around you. Notice it. Cherish it.
At first, this will be painful, but observe how plants flourish - particularly blooming plants like roses. At the end of every blooming season, you want to rid them of all their greenery. Strip off the leaves. Denude them of all those gorgeous leftover blooms. Pare back branches that steal away precious nutrients. Why? Because it's time for the core of the flower - the roots and the stem and the branches - to grow, get stronger, reach out, and prepare for ever new greenery, leaves, flowers, a new season of spectacular glory.
This is you, Toddy. Life is stripping things away. It is so severe it feels as if the very flesh is being flayed from your bones. Stand tall. Observe how life must now rebuild your core, make you stronger, make you MORE. Draw strength from it. Meditate on it. Find a quiet place where you can sit for a long time (which, for you, would be about two minutes, forty seconds), and feel the earth under your spirit. Look inside yourself for the new lands. What is it like, there? Try to see the newness. Clear away the scars of this last year so that you can explore yourself.
This is not a process for the weak - but you are not weak. However, it is also not a process for loners. Your strength, Toddy, comes from Auburn Pisces, the Math Whiz, the Handsome Prince, Auburn Aries, the Toddtender, Pony, Chopper, (Makers Mark!) - all those people who have remained constant in your life. Ground yourself in their love and their presence. Go to each one, look in their eyes, search out their love, and then GIVE. Pour out your love and affection to them. Give them hugs. Kisses. Where appropriate - gropes. Admire them. Let them know what you love about them and then seek to encourage them in all the ways you have been denied. When they seek to give to you, gratefully accept, and then pour the blessings of their love back upon them. Take these new lands, find the wells and the lakes and the oceans and channel them into fountains of joy, love and peace.
You can do it, Toddy. I know you can.
Seek magic. It's there. It's in you. It's beating upon you to be let out.
Love,
Eclecticon
Thursday, December 01, 2005
Road Trip
I will be on a road trip today.
Actually, my body will be in a training for the next two days at work. But in my mind, I am on a road trip. I'm in the backseat of a warm car on a rainy day. Three friends are on the trip with me, but I'm sitting quietly in the backseat staring out the window.
Music is playing on the car stereo, and everyone has a hot cup of coffee (I'm spiking mine with a little flask of whiskey). We're all at peace and enjoying the warmth of our friendship and mutual love.
The others comment on landmarks and billboards. They chat about people back home, and they talk about all we'll experience at our destination. But I'm silent as I reflect on all the people who have come and gone in my 39 years.
I think about Jackie, the girl I almost asked to marry me. I wonder how she got on with her life after I disappeared. Now I understand what she must have felt. Having someone disappear is the worst feeling.
I think about CT and our seven years together. I think about Kody, the first boy I kissed. I remember my crush on Patrick and my love for Pony and my fascination with Michael. I think about Jose and Brad and Henry and others who wanted me to love them and, although I tried, I never could.
I think about my family - both biological and chosen. I think of AP and AA and the way I've been welcomed into their home. I think of my friends at work, Ms. Karma and Juju and The Math Whiz. I reflect on The Handsome Prince and the intricacies of our friendship and all we've been through. I think of "The Mad Sheep" - my college buddies. Their influence in my life still runs through my every thought and deed.
As the rain falls outside the car, I think of Tim, who died a few years ago. Tim was a friend from college, younger than I, who died from a brain tumor. He was taken too soon. He bought me tickets to see Les Miserables and went with me to the show and laughed at me when I started crying at the opening chord of the overture.
I think about the guys I knew for one night - the ones who never even knew my last name. But I remember the way I felt with each one of them. I think about the many, many people I've met through Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven - the ones I've met in person, the ones who e-mail, the ones I've talked to on the phone. So blessed, I am.
Of course I think about Thor too. I think about how he made my heart feel - so different from anything I've known before, and I don't know if anyone will make me feel that way again. I look out the window and wonder where this car is headed. I am on a road trip to somewhere unknown. Maybe somewhere on the other side, I'll meet up with Thor again. Maybe I won't ever see him again. But he's here now in my heart, along with hundreds - literally hundreds - of others I love and always will.
Actually, my body will be in a training for the next two days at work. But in my mind, I am on a road trip. I'm in the backseat of a warm car on a rainy day. Three friends are on the trip with me, but I'm sitting quietly in the backseat staring out the window.
Music is playing on the car stereo, and everyone has a hot cup of coffee (I'm spiking mine with a little flask of whiskey). We're all at peace and enjoying the warmth of our friendship and mutual love.
The others comment on landmarks and billboards. They chat about people back home, and they talk about all we'll experience at our destination. But I'm silent as I reflect on all the people who have come and gone in my 39 years.
I think about Jackie, the girl I almost asked to marry me. I wonder how she got on with her life after I disappeared. Now I understand what she must have felt. Having someone disappear is the worst feeling.
I think about CT and our seven years together. I think about Kody, the first boy I kissed. I remember my crush on Patrick and my love for Pony and my fascination with Michael. I think about Jose and Brad and Henry and others who wanted me to love them and, although I tried, I never could.
I think about my family - both biological and chosen. I think of AP and AA and the way I've been welcomed into their home. I think of my friends at work, Ms. Karma and Juju and The Math Whiz. I reflect on The Handsome Prince and the intricacies of our friendship and all we've been through. I think of "The Mad Sheep" - my college buddies. Their influence in my life still runs through my every thought and deed.
As the rain falls outside the car, I think of Tim, who died a few years ago. Tim was a friend from college, younger than I, who died from a brain tumor. He was taken too soon. He bought me tickets to see Les Miserables and went with me to the show and laughed at me when I started crying at the opening chord of the overture.
I think about the guys I knew for one night - the ones who never even knew my last name. But I remember the way I felt with each one of them. I think about the many, many people I've met through Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven - the ones I've met in person, the ones who e-mail, the ones I've talked to on the phone. So blessed, I am.
Of course I think about Thor too. I think about how he made my heart feel - so different from anything I've known before, and I don't know if anyone will make me feel that way again. I look out the window and wonder where this car is headed. I am on a road trip to somewhere unknown. Maybe somewhere on the other side, I'll meet up with Thor again. Maybe I won't ever see him again. But he's here now in my heart, along with hundreds - literally hundreds - of others I love and always will.
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Hot Toddy in Two Acts
Act One
Now that Thor and I are no longer together, I'm working on letting go, and it's so hard. I haven't been there for my friends the way I should be, because my soul is wrapped up in the fetal position.
Auburn Pisces' latest post made me feel so guilty. I have been going through the motions. My body is there, but my spirit is hiding. After I read Thor's letter, in which he asked me not to call him anymore, I helped my friend AP hang Christmas lights. I wasn't really there with her; I was just a tall robot performing a task.
The other night she was upset, and I handed her a cigarette. Then I went into her room to try and clean up the mess that had upset her. I wasn't very successful. I had just returned from a night at the bar, so my feeble attempt didn't accomplish much. Next, I went downstairs to my bedroom and threw myself onto my bed, where I cried and screamed at Thor. I muffled my face with my pillow, but later learned that AP heard me anyway. While she was upset and hurting, I was in my room feeling like I would rather be dead than deal with my pain. Like her, I feel I have nothing to give.
For the past two days, I've tried to change that. I have dressed in new clothes and worked out and tried not to drink too much. Friends tell me I seem lighter and stronger than they've seen me in months. I am making an effort to pull myself together. I invited lots of friends to join me for happy hour yesterday, and we had a great time. I cracked jokes, flirted, played, danced my special "Hollaback Girl" dance, and made sarcastic jabs at Pony. (He can take it as well as dish it out)
Act Two
The Professor has been away, so I had to catch him up on the story of my being dumped. His thoughtful words and kind heart moved me. And I found myself getting real, in spite of my resolve to entertain the masses.
As an actor and blogger and musician and writer, I've learned to find my value in my ability to entertain. You performers will understand what I'm talking about. If I am not moving you emotionally, I'll worry that I'm not doing my job. So, when I heard a song playing in the bar that made my heart hurt, I began to falter. My act started to bomb. I started to lose my shtick. Between that damn song (Late nights, playin' in the dark and wakin' up inside my arms. Boy, you'll always be in my heart and I can see it in your eyes. You still want it. So don't forget about us...) and my honest talk with The Professor, the facade began to crumble, and so did I.
Mz Karma saw it first. The tears came to my eyes, and she started to reach for me. I shook my head, because her kindness would only make me melt, and I quickly walked away from my friends. I want to make them proud. I want to inspire them. I no longer want them to see me cry. I don't want Thor to know I cry about him, and if he ever talks to my friends again or reads this blog, he'll find out I'm not doing so well. I know he wants me to get on with my life.
I came back and sat down again. I made a couple more jokes, but they were weak. I sat back and watched friends who are couples and friends who were flirting with each other. I tried so hard, it was almost as if I could physically exert myself to have fun. But my energy ran out and another song began playing, (Here comes the rain again
falling from the stars, drenched in my pain again, becoming who we are. As my memory rests but never forgets what I lost, wake me up when September ends).
Before I knew it, everyone was leaving to go to dinner. I said that I wanted to be alone. As I was hugging Pony goodbye, I began to cry in the arms of this man who has been a constant friend to me. A year ago I was crying over him. Now I find myself crying in his arms over somebody else.
I'm trying. Really, I am. I don't want to sit around and mope. I don't want to hurt anymore. I agreed to go on a date with a certain Volkswagen. Actually, he invited me to sleep with him, but I insisted on dinner and a movie.
Now that Thor and I are no longer together, I'm working on letting go, and it's so hard. I haven't been there for my friends the way I should be, because my soul is wrapped up in the fetal position.
Auburn Pisces' latest post made me feel so guilty. I have been going through the motions. My body is there, but my spirit is hiding. After I read Thor's letter, in which he asked me not to call him anymore, I helped my friend AP hang Christmas lights. I wasn't really there with her; I was just a tall robot performing a task.
The other night she was upset, and I handed her a cigarette. Then I went into her room to try and clean up the mess that had upset her. I wasn't very successful. I had just returned from a night at the bar, so my feeble attempt didn't accomplish much. Next, I went downstairs to my bedroom and threw myself onto my bed, where I cried and screamed at Thor. I muffled my face with my pillow, but later learned that AP heard me anyway. While she was upset and hurting, I was in my room feeling like I would rather be dead than deal with my pain. Like her, I feel I have nothing to give.
For the past two days, I've tried to change that. I have dressed in new clothes and worked out and tried not to drink too much. Friends tell me I seem lighter and stronger than they've seen me in months. I am making an effort to pull myself together. I invited lots of friends to join me for happy hour yesterday, and we had a great time. I cracked jokes, flirted, played, danced my special "Hollaback Girl" dance, and made sarcastic jabs at Pony. (He can take it as well as dish it out)
Act Two
The Professor has been away, so I had to catch him up on the story of my being dumped. His thoughtful words and kind heart moved me. And I found myself getting real, in spite of my resolve to entertain the masses.
As an actor and blogger and musician and writer, I've learned to find my value in my ability to entertain. You performers will understand what I'm talking about. If I am not moving you emotionally, I'll worry that I'm not doing my job. So, when I heard a song playing in the bar that made my heart hurt, I began to falter. My act started to bomb. I started to lose my shtick. Between that damn song (Late nights, playin' in the dark and wakin' up inside my arms. Boy, you'll always be in my heart and I can see it in your eyes. You still want it. So don't forget about us...) and my honest talk with The Professor, the facade began to crumble, and so did I.
Mz Karma saw it first. The tears came to my eyes, and she started to reach for me. I shook my head, because her kindness would only make me melt, and I quickly walked away from my friends. I want to make them proud. I want to inspire them. I no longer want them to see me cry. I don't want Thor to know I cry about him, and if he ever talks to my friends again or reads this blog, he'll find out I'm not doing so well. I know he wants me to get on with my life.
I came back and sat down again. I made a couple more jokes, but they were weak. I sat back and watched friends who are couples and friends who were flirting with each other. I tried so hard, it was almost as if I could physically exert myself to have fun. But my energy ran out and another song began playing, (Here comes the rain again
falling from the stars, drenched in my pain again, becoming who we are. As my memory rests but never forgets what I lost, wake me up when September ends).
Before I knew it, everyone was leaving to go to dinner. I said that I wanted to be alone. As I was hugging Pony goodbye, I began to cry in the arms of this man who has been a constant friend to me. A year ago I was crying over him. Now I find myself crying in his arms over somebody else.
I'm trying. Really, I am. I don't want to sit around and mope. I don't want to hurt anymore. I agreed to go on a date with a certain Volkswagen. Actually, he invited me to sleep with him, but I insisted on dinner and a movie.
Monday, November 28, 2005
Monday
Last night The Handsome Prince and The Math Whiz wanted to take me out and get me drunk, but they couldn't because I was already drunk.
It was great to be with my two former housemates again. We had a great time out on the town. I had to apologize to The Handsome Prince because he shared some concerns with me a few months ago, and I hardened my heart towards him because of it. I let our disagreement drive a wedge between us, and I've missed him terribly.
The reason that I love him so much is because he understands me. He told me that I have nothing to apologize for, and he told me that he wished things hadn't turned out as he'd feared.
I doubt this will do any good, but there are a lot of speculative comments regarding my HIV status and the status of a couple guys I've dated. I wish this would stop. I have never posted anything about the status of any of my boyfriends, so anything you have read here about that subject have been anonymous comments by people who have no firsthand knowledge of anything. The only time I've addressed HIV and how it impacts my life personally is in this post.
Please remember that comments can come from both friends of mine and from people I've never met. Sometimes I share the opinions of my commenters, and other times I couldn't disagree more.
It was great to be with my two former housemates again. We had a great time out on the town. I had to apologize to The Handsome Prince because he shared some concerns with me a few months ago, and I hardened my heart towards him because of it. I let our disagreement drive a wedge between us, and I've missed him terribly.
The reason that I love him so much is because he understands me. He told me that I have nothing to apologize for, and he told me that he wished things hadn't turned out as he'd feared.
I doubt this will do any good, but there are a lot of speculative comments regarding my HIV status and the status of a couple guys I've dated. I wish this would stop. I have never posted anything about the status of any of my boyfriends, so anything you have read here about that subject have been anonymous comments by people who have no firsthand knowledge of anything. The only time I've addressed HIV and how it impacts my life personally is in this post.
Please remember that comments can come from both friends of mine and from people I've never met. Sometimes I share the opinions of my commenters, and other times I couldn't disagree more.
Saturday, November 26, 2005
Thanks and Penguins
I appreciate all the supportive comments. Also, the e-mails I've received have meant so much.
I received a letter from Thor yesterday, and he explained what is going on with him. For the first time in months, he poured out his heart to me. It was a very hard letter for him to write, and it was hard for me to read. There is a lot of love between us, but things are complicated right now. He is a beautiful man, and my love for him has not diminished one bit. It's just that he needs time to figure some things out, and he doesn't want (or can't) cope with the emotions with me in the picture. Sure, I feel rejected, but I do not and will not believe he means to hurt me in any way. And who is to say what the future will bring? Life is full of surprises.
In the meantime, I'm living day by day and thinking of interesting new ways to meet people. Here is the note I handed a boy at the bar Wednesday night:
"Hi, Michael. I think you are hot. Do you want to dress up like penguins and play basketball with me sometime?"
Don't question me. It is a special new screening process I'm implementing.
By the way, Michael never did call. And I thought everybody liked basketball.
I received a letter from Thor yesterday, and he explained what is going on with him. For the first time in months, he poured out his heart to me. It was a very hard letter for him to write, and it was hard for me to read. There is a lot of love between us, but things are complicated right now. He is a beautiful man, and my love for him has not diminished one bit. It's just that he needs time to figure some things out, and he doesn't want (or can't) cope with the emotions with me in the picture. Sure, I feel rejected, but I do not and will not believe he means to hurt me in any way. And who is to say what the future will bring? Life is full of surprises.
In the meantime, I'm living day by day and thinking of interesting new ways to meet people. Here is the note I handed a boy at the bar Wednesday night:
"Hi, Michael. I think you are hot. Do you want to dress up like penguins and play basketball with me sometime?"
Don't question me. It is a special new screening process I'm implementing.
By the way, Michael never did call. And I thought everybody liked basketball.
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
What Would Renee Do?
A year ago I found myself wondering what Renee Zellweger would think of me.
Today I was thinking about Renee and her ex, Kenny. Renee handled the end of that relationship with class, and what's good enough for Renee is good enough for me. Besides, do any of us really want to endure another round of weeping and gnashing of teeth on this blog? I sure don't.
So, to make Renee Zellweger proud of me, I'll just say that I am single again. It was not a mutual decision, but the relationship I was in seemed to be a different one than the one Thor was in. When he left, everything changed, as I feared it would. I love him very much, but one phone call a month (maximum) doesn't make me feel special.
Since I no longer have any way of contacting him, I can't even talk about this decision with him. Yes, it hurts like hell and I feel lied to and fucked over (okay, Renee probably wouldn't say that, but I'm doing my best here...)
I guess the situation was summarized quite well last evening when I had this conversation with a friend who recently popped back into my life...
W: So, does this mean Thor and you are no longer together?
HT: I guess so.
W: Oh. So, does that mean we can have sex?
HT: I guess so. Sometime.
W: Cool.
HT: But I don't want a relationship.
W: Perfect.
Today I was thinking about Renee and her ex, Kenny. Renee handled the end of that relationship with class, and what's good enough for Renee is good enough for me. Besides, do any of us really want to endure another round of weeping and gnashing of teeth on this blog? I sure don't.
So, to make Renee Zellweger proud of me, I'll just say that I am single again. It was not a mutual decision, but the relationship I was in seemed to be a different one than the one Thor was in. When he left, everything changed, as I feared it would. I love him very much, but one phone call a month (maximum) doesn't make me feel special.
Since I no longer have any way of contacting him, I can't even talk about this decision with him. Yes, it hurts like hell and I feel lied to and fucked over (okay, Renee probably wouldn't say that, but I'm doing my best here...)
I guess the situation was summarized quite well last evening when I had this conversation with a friend who recently popped back into my life...
W: So, does this mean Thor and you are no longer together?
HT: I guess so.
W: Oh. So, does that mean we can have sex?
HT: I guess so. Sometime.
W: Cool.
HT: But I don't want a relationship.
W: Perfect.
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Truth #1
The truth is, I have not heard from Thor in over a month. The last time we spoke, he shared devastating news with me, and none of the letters I've written him since have been answered. I have tried to support him through the difficulties he's facing, but yesterday I accepted the fact that Thor has not been truthful with me. Hopefully, some of what he has told me over the past six months has been true. It would be nice to hold on to at least some of the sweet loving words he said to me.
Details will be shared when I feel ready, but I find it so interesting that my friend Verdi left this comment for Thor last week:
*** A NOTE TO THOR ***
Dear Thor,
This is rather forward of me, and not very proper, but ~ I can't help myself. I hope you'll forgive me. . .
Likely you are aware of this fact, but - you are the envy of the Western world, man. Perhaps you are a shy person; perhaps you aren't entirely thrilled to have Hot Toddy express his love for you here, almost daily. . .
BUT, Thor, you've had more beautiful prose-poems addressed to you, here, than Hadrian ever stamped coins with his lover's ( Antinous' ) visage ~ so many lovely temples, Todd has built, just for you.
Does it, or would it, or could it, detract from any of these things if I
( meekly, humbly, on bended knee ) observed that, in Todd, you've got the MAIN CHANCE, that so many of us never got, and never will ???
I know, I know - cut the Mahler. ( I am always guilty of saying far too much. ) But there's a wonderful man, out there, who loves you with all his heart, who will hold your hand through everything that could ever happen, care for you in the most unselfish way, and simply be your BEST FRIEND, until the house lights go down.
I know, I know - I'm always ( always ) too bold. I am so weak, Thor, that I've even said a word. What will happen, will happen. What you WANT, will happen.
But, unlike so many of us, you CAN have what you want: even if it's as little as a perfect friendship. ( And that's no small thing. )
I am just 40. I have had no luck in love, and no chances ~ which is OK, because I have so many stellar friends. But, unless you really, really, love opera, please don't turn out like me, Thor, singing, under your breath, every day, "Chi mi frena in tal memento ?" ( "What, what, holds me BACK, in this precious moment ?" )
That's all I have to say - and I've said far too much ( unconscionably too much ). I simply hope that you'll have the kindness, and charity, to understand that these are words
( however vain ), from a distant friend. Given in care. For friendship, or for love: please take your perfect chance.
Abashedly, from afar,
"Verdi" ~ xoxoxoxo
Thor, I love you like an ocean. I wish you could accept that kind of love.
Love,
Toddy
Details will be shared when I feel ready, but I find it so interesting that my friend Verdi left this comment for Thor last week:
*** A NOTE TO THOR ***
Dear Thor,
This is rather forward of me, and not very proper, but ~ I can't help myself. I hope you'll forgive me. . .
Likely you are aware of this fact, but - you are the envy of the Western world, man. Perhaps you are a shy person; perhaps you aren't entirely thrilled to have Hot Toddy express his love for you here, almost daily. . .
BUT, Thor, you've had more beautiful prose-poems addressed to you, here, than Hadrian ever stamped coins with his lover's ( Antinous' ) visage ~ so many lovely temples, Todd has built, just for you.
Does it, or would it, or could it, detract from any of these things if I
( meekly, humbly, on bended knee ) observed that, in Todd, you've got the MAIN CHANCE, that so many of us never got, and never will ???
I know, I know - cut the Mahler. ( I am always guilty of saying far too much. ) But there's a wonderful man, out there, who loves you with all his heart, who will hold your hand through everything that could ever happen, care for you in the most unselfish way, and simply be your BEST FRIEND, until the house lights go down.
I know, I know - I'm always ( always ) too bold. I am so weak, Thor, that I've even said a word. What will happen, will happen. What you WANT, will happen.
But, unlike so many of us, you CAN have what you want: even if it's as little as a perfect friendship. ( And that's no small thing. )
I am just 40. I have had no luck in love, and no chances ~ which is OK, because I have so many stellar friends. But, unless you really, really, love opera, please don't turn out like me, Thor, singing, under your breath, every day, "Chi mi frena in tal memento ?" ( "What, what, holds me BACK, in this precious moment ?" )
That's all I have to say - and I've said far too much ( unconscionably too much ). I simply hope that you'll have the kindness, and charity, to understand that these are words
( however vain ), from a distant friend. Given in care. For friendship, or for love: please take your perfect chance.
Abashedly, from afar,
"Verdi" ~ xoxoxoxo
Thor, I love you like an ocean. I wish you could accept that kind of love.
Love,
Toddy
Monday, November 21, 2005
My Enemy
"You are not as unhealthy as you think you are!"
-- Nurse Practitioner to Hot Toddy as I sat crying in her office over my recent weight gain
"We have to get you past this idea that all of your relationships will only last two months."
-- Thor to Toddy on one of our dates
"Why do you think you are so unworthy of love? "
-- Juju to Toddy on a break at work
"No, you are not pathetic for buying ready-made mashed potatoes at the grocery store. "
-- Auburn Pisces to Toddy after my trip to the grocery store
"You are such a loser."
-- Hot Toddy to himself
Last weekend I walked into a local bar, and a table of guys whistled at me. Some of them were acquaintances, and some of them were strangers. But I felt bad inside, because I thought they were being sarcastic. I thought they were mocking me. Later the same evening this guy who likes me "that way" said he envied me, because all those guys (he was one of them) had whistled at me when I walked in. I didn't tell him that I had misinterpreted their whistling and thought they were making fun of me.
A couple years ago at Pride, a guy in the bar squirted me with a water gun. I felt bad inside, because I thought it was an act of hostility. It wasn't until later that day that I realized one of my friends was squirting boys he wanted to flirt with. It occurred to me then that perhaps the water gun incident had been an act of flirtation.
Yes, I'm damaged goods. (Personally, I think everyone is damaged goods, but there are way too many people out there who won't admit it.)
I'll admit it. I've got issues.
This morning I went for a check-up and, after being weighed, realized that I have fallen off the bandwagon. Actually, I have fallen off the bandwagon and tumbled down a steep embankment into a sewage ditch but not before splitting my head open on a boulder. But, unlike the lady in the commercial, I've fallen and I can get up. I will get up.
My new doctor is very compassionate. She reviewed the concerns I'd listed on the form I'd filled out upon checking in for my appointment. She asked about my heartburn, and I told her that I haven't been going to the gym and that my heartburn usually goes away when I'm getting enough exercise. We agreed that my renewed commitment to fitness could be the key to feeling better. Then she asked about my depression, and I told her that in the past year and a half I have found myself feeling heartbroken about every three months. Then I told her that I am currently in a long-distance relationship and that I am having difficulty eating and, sometimes, sleeping. My voice started shaking. She pushed a box of Kleenex towards me, and I lost it. If I am hurting and a person shows me kindness, I'll most likely break down and cry.
I told my doctor that I've been avoiding a checkup for a long time, because I didn't want to know how much weight I'd gained. I didn't want to admit how angry I am, because I have let myself go. If I don't eat regularly, I don't lose weight. On the contrary, my body stores fat at an incredible rate if I do not keep my metabolism up by eating frequent small meals. For the past couple months I've been drinking almost every day and frequently skipping meals. And for the past year, I've barely worked out at all. As a result, I feel like a failure.
As I told my doctor that I plan on committing to myself and to the gym and to becoming healthier, she was supportive, but still seemed rather surprised. "Todd, you might need to lose a few pounds, but you are not as unhealthy as you seem to think you are."
Story of my life. Granted, it is no mystery to me why I don't feel good about myself right now. But, damn it, why must I be my own worst critic? I kick myself when I am down. I tear myself apart for the smallest things. I am surrounded by people who love me and give me their hearts, and all the time I feel that I don't deserve it.
Why would you read my blog/be my friend/be my boyfriend/want to kiss me/burn me a CD/buy me a drink/call me/write me/love me?
Inside of me, there is a "Hot Toddy". Inside of me there is also an "Ugh, Todd". They don't get along well. Hot Toddy is the kissing bandit who will kiss two boys at the bar even if they are standing two feet from each other. Hot Toddy loves to make everyone laugh. He makes fun of himself, but doesn't really mean it. He dresses great and smells great and feels great.
Ugh, Todd is a different story. He sucks. But he's going to go away now. I have the workout clothes ready to go today, and the stack of Men's Fitness magazines at my desk must weigh 5 pounds. That may be too heavy for weak lazy Ugh, Todd to lift today, but in a week or two Hot Toddy will tackle it with no problem.
-- Nurse Practitioner to Hot Toddy as I sat crying in her office over my recent weight gain
"We have to get you past this idea that all of your relationships will only last two months."
-- Thor to Toddy on one of our dates
"Why do you think you are so unworthy of love? "
-- Juju to Toddy on a break at work
"No, you are not pathetic for buying ready-made mashed potatoes at the grocery store. "
-- Auburn Pisces to Toddy after my trip to the grocery store
"You are such a loser."
-- Hot Toddy to himself
Last weekend I walked into a local bar, and a table of guys whistled at me. Some of them were acquaintances, and some of them were strangers. But I felt bad inside, because I thought they were being sarcastic. I thought they were mocking me. Later the same evening this guy who likes me "that way" said he envied me, because all those guys (he was one of them) had whistled at me when I walked in. I didn't tell him that I had misinterpreted their whistling and thought they were making fun of me.
A couple years ago at Pride, a guy in the bar squirted me with a water gun. I felt bad inside, because I thought it was an act of hostility. It wasn't until later that day that I realized one of my friends was squirting boys he wanted to flirt with. It occurred to me then that perhaps the water gun incident had been an act of flirtation.
Yes, I'm damaged goods. (Personally, I think everyone is damaged goods, but there are way too many people out there who won't admit it.)
I'll admit it. I've got issues.
This morning I went for a check-up and, after being weighed, realized that I have fallen off the bandwagon. Actually, I have fallen off the bandwagon and tumbled down a steep embankment into a sewage ditch but not before splitting my head open on a boulder. But, unlike the lady in the commercial, I've fallen and I can get up. I will get up.
My new doctor is very compassionate. She reviewed the concerns I'd listed on the form I'd filled out upon checking in for my appointment. She asked about my heartburn, and I told her that I haven't been going to the gym and that my heartburn usually goes away when I'm getting enough exercise. We agreed that my renewed commitment to fitness could be the key to feeling better. Then she asked about my depression, and I told her that in the past year and a half I have found myself feeling heartbroken about every three months. Then I told her that I am currently in a long-distance relationship and that I am having difficulty eating and, sometimes, sleeping. My voice started shaking. She pushed a box of Kleenex towards me, and I lost it. If I am hurting and a person shows me kindness, I'll most likely break down and cry.
I told my doctor that I've been avoiding a checkup for a long time, because I didn't want to know how much weight I'd gained. I didn't want to admit how angry I am, because I have let myself go. If I don't eat regularly, I don't lose weight. On the contrary, my body stores fat at an incredible rate if I do not keep my metabolism up by eating frequent small meals. For the past couple months I've been drinking almost every day and frequently skipping meals. And for the past year, I've barely worked out at all. As a result, I feel like a failure.
As I told my doctor that I plan on committing to myself and to the gym and to becoming healthier, she was supportive, but still seemed rather surprised. "Todd, you might need to lose a few pounds, but you are not as unhealthy as you seem to think you are."
Story of my life. Granted, it is no mystery to me why I don't feel good about myself right now. But, damn it, why must I be my own worst critic? I kick myself when I am down. I tear myself apart for the smallest things. I am surrounded by people who love me and give me their hearts, and all the time I feel that I don't deserve it.
Why would you read my blog/be my friend/be my boyfriend/want to kiss me/burn me a CD/buy me a drink/call me/write me/love me?
Inside of me, there is a "Hot Toddy". Inside of me there is also an "Ugh, Todd". They don't get along well. Hot Toddy is the kissing bandit who will kiss two boys at the bar even if they are standing two feet from each other. Hot Toddy loves to make everyone laugh. He makes fun of himself, but doesn't really mean it. He dresses great and smells great and feels great.
Ugh, Todd is a different story. He sucks. But he's going to go away now. I have the workout clothes ready to go today, and the stack of Men's Fitness magazines at my desk must weigh 5 pounds. That may be too heavy for weak lazy Ugh, Todd to lift today, but in a week or two Hot Toddy will tackle it with no problem.
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Defirmations
Sometimes I struggle with my ego. It is huge, and I find that there are days when I really think too highly of myself. It is really hard sometimes to be smarter and so much better looking than everyone around me. That is why I post Defirmations on my bathroom mirror and say them out loud every morning.
This morning I was chanting, "I am a gross monster and am virtually undateable" to myself and instantly felt my self-esteem lowering to an acceptable limit. But after I put some molding cream in my hair and threw on my new Michael Kors coat, I started to think I looked pretty good. So I picked a different Defirmation and started chanting all over again.
"I am getting fat and old. And I drink far too much," I said vigorously and quickly followed it with another mantra, "People don't really like me. They tolerate me!"
By the time I left the house this morning, I was a wreck. I felt completely average and realized I am no smarter than anyone else except my supervisor.
Those Defirmations are really doing the trick. Not once today have I walked into a busy street expecting traffic to stop for me. I rode in the elevator with two ladies at work and did not assume they both have a crush on me. One of them probably does, but not both of them.
If you are a raging egomaniac, you may find this little Defirmation helpful the next time you're feeling that all-too-familiar sense of entitlement:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the fact that I can change nothing, the courage to walk out of the house looking as hideous as I do today, and the wisdom to remember where my office is since I am such a stupid idiot.
God, this is a dumb post. I suck.
(See?! It's still working!)
This morning I was chanting, "I am a gross monster and am virtually undateable" to myself and instantly felt my self-esteem lowering to an acceptable limit. But after I put some molding cream in my hair and threw on my new Michael Kors coat, I started to think I looked pretty good. So I picked a different Defirmation and started chanting all over again.
"I am getting fat and old. And I drink far too much," I said vigorously and quickly followed it with another mantra, "People don't really like me. They tolerate me!"
By the time I left the house this morning, I was a wreck. I felt completely average and realized I am no smarter than anyone else except my supervisor.
Those Defirmations are really doing the trick. Not once today have I walked into a busy street expecting traffic to stop for me. I rode in the elevator with two ladies at work and did not assume they both have a crush on me. One of them probably does, but not both of them.
If you are a raging egomaniac, you may find this little Defirmation helpful the next time you're feeling that all-too-familiar sense of entitlement:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the fact that I can change nothing, the courage to walk out of the house looking as hideous as I do today, and the wisdom to remember where my office is since I am such a stupid idiot.
God, this is a dumb post. I suck.
(See?! It's still working!)
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Typical
Don't you hate when you feel like going to happy hour but you can't because you have to go put on your rhinestone-studded white tux and sing classics of the 1950s on a riverboat on the Columbia River?
I know we all go through that same scenario from time to time. I just needed to vent.
I know we all go through that same scenario from time to time. I just needed to vent.
Friday, November 11, 2005
My Guy
Six months ago you blew into my life with all the force of a tropical storm. You shifted everything around inside my heart. You told me I'd done the same for you, and you promised we'd always be together. You held my hand, tickled my feet, stole my heart, and won my devotion. You took me hiking and washed my feet before you put my shoes back on.
For me, there has never been a man like you before. I can't and won't stop loving you now, and there will never be anyone like you in my life again. You have more of my heart today than you did yesterday or the day before that.
Thor, you and I have been through so much in six months. The logistics of being with you have never been easy, but loving you has been as uncomplicated as breathing. Seeing forever is hard sometimes when you are so far from me. But sometimes, I feel you so close that I can't believe you're gone. Last night I came home from my singing gig and hurried to the bedroom, half expecting to see you waiting for me in bed. It wouldn't be unlike you to surprise me that way. It almost seemed odd that you weren't there smiling at me when I walked into the room. Maybe you really were there with me after all. Sometimes, I can still feel you sending me your love.
I can't imagine my life without you, and I promise to stay strong for you. I know where I stand in your heart, and you know where you stand in mine.
Thursday, November 10, 2005
Bitch Slapping Auburn Pisces
She acts like she's such a humanitarian.
But you should see her at CC Slaughters demanding more boy porn, hooting and hollering for Patron Silver (which CC's now serves), and trying to steal handsome barbacks away from me.
The barback-stealing is what riles me most. Yes, I am spoken for, but if a person knows that I find a certain new barback to be extremely appealing, that person should step off and allow me to bask fully in said barback's attention. The other night as Auburn Pisces' flirted with MY barback, I felt my face growing red with anger. Moments before, my barback and I discussed adopting babies together someday. Sure, he's straight, but he'd make a good father, and I told him so.
Then this hussy - this Jezebel - this woman who claims to be my friend and is also my landlord started flirting shamelessly with the father of my adopted children.
After a couple minutes of restrained silence, I finally found my voice.
"Hey, Auburn Pisces. For the first time since I've known you, I'm seriously considering bitch slapping you."
The weird thing is, she didn't seemed threatened. Not in the last. Maybe she really does have ovaries of steel.
But you should see her at CC Slaughters demanding more boy porn, hooting and hollering for Patron Silver (which CC's now serves), and trying to steal handsome barbacks away from me.
The barback-stealing is what riles me most. Yes, I am spoken for, but if a person knows that I find a certain new barback to be extremely appealing, that person should step off and allow me to bask fully in said barback's attention. The other night as Auburn Pisces' flirted with MY barback, I felt my face growing red with anger. Moments before, my barback and I discussed adopting babies together someday. Sure, he's straight, but he'd make a good father, and I told him so.
Then this hussy - this Jezebel - this woman who claims to be my friend and is also my landlord started flirting shamelessly with the father of my adopted children.
After a couple minutes of restrained silence, I finally found my voice.
"Hey, Auburn Pisces. For the first time since I've known you, I'm seriously considering bitch slapping you."
The weird thing is, she didn't seemed threatened. Not in the last. Maybe she really does have ovaries of steel.
Monday, November 07, 2005
Popcorn
Last night I had a dream that I took a bunch of free popcorn from CC Slaughters at happy hour and put it in a big white bucket. Then I put Saran Wrap over the bucket of popcorn and brought it home. I lovingly placed the bucket of stolen happy hour popcorn on top of my dresser so I could eat it later.
I think I may go to the bar too much. Does anybody want to take a stab at interpreting this dream?
I think I may go to the bar too much. Does anybody want to take a stab at interpreting this dream?
Friday, November 04, 2005
Transparent
Two days ago I was walking through the lobby of the building where I work and saw the most beautiful male specimen. The specimen was so well-muscled and immaculately groomed, that I decided to further study him. I examined my specimen from head to toe, but primarily focused my examination on the subject's torso. I walked by several times and noticed that he was speaking to one of my co-workers in a language that is foreign to me. The topic was possibly construction or digging or some type of manual labor, because my specimen's biceps flexed as he made extremely manly rugged sexy gestures.
There are a limited number of reasons to linger in the lobby. First I pretended to listen to voice mail on my cell phone while trying to hide the lust manifesting itself in my eyes and one other place. Then I strolled over to the stamp machine a few feet away and simulated window shopping for postage stamps. I contemplated the myriad of choices in the stamp machine and tried to seem as if the decision-making process was baffling me. I reached into my pocket for change, making some minor adjustments while I was down there, and proceeded to count out money for stamps.
The two men were still talking, and my beautiful male specimen stood in a very macho stance, legs apart and t-shirt straining against his pecs. My specimen continued talking about digging or building things or, possibly, the idea of wrestling me to the ground and making me submit to his will. I knew my charade had gone on for far too long, so I left the lobby. I only glanced back seven times as I headed for the elevators.
If I were capable of subtlety, the entire examination could have remained completely undetected. Nobody would ever know of my obsessive interest in the beautiful male specimen.
Today in the bathroom at work, I chanced upon the co-worker who had been chatting with my foreign muscleman. That is a complete lie. I was walking to the mailroom, saw the co-worker going into the men's room, and followed him in with the sole intention of finding out more about the guy he was chatting with the other day.
"Hey, was that your brother you were talking to the other day in the lobby?" I asked nonchalantly, wiping drool from my mouth. I had that question planned two days ago when I made the decision to research my subject further.
"No, he is - - "
I interrupted my co-worker in an attempt to seem like I had a reason (other than lust) for asking the question. I didn't want to be too obvious. "Oh, I thought he was your brother. Because he kind of resembles you. And because I heard you both speaking - what was it - Russian?"
"It was Romanian," said my co-worker.
I then started asking random questions about the origins of the Romanian language, listed a detailed description of my own passing familiarity with Swedish and French, and tried to figure out how to get to my point: Who is this beautiful male specimen!?
I washed my hands, but I couldn't leave the bathroom without answers. So I actually started preening at the mirror like a Hollywood starlet in a 1940's film. I brushed my hair back from my face, ran a finger across my eyebrows, and then brushed my hair back some more. It was as if I were sitting at a vanity in a black and white movie talking into the fake mirror that is really the camera. All that was missing was cold cream and a towel wrapped on my head.
I had already completely messed up my chances of getting back to the subject of my beautiful male specimen with my inane talk of foreign languages. So, I did the only thing I could think of. I backpedaled.
"Anyway. He looked like he might be your relative or somehow related to you."
"I know him from church," said my co-worker. I choked back a sob and left the bathroom heartbroken. I knew that asking if I could go to church with my co-worker sometime would be, well, a little too transparent. As if I weren't completely see-through already.
There are a limited number of reasons to linger in the lobby. First I pretended to listen to voice mail on my cell phone while trying to hide the lust manifesting itself in my eyes and one other place. Then I strolled over to the stamp machine a few feet away and simulated window shopping for postage stamps. I contemplated the myriad of choices in the stamp machine and tried to seem as if the decision-making process was baffling me. I reached into my pocket for change, making some minor adjustments while I was down there, and proceeded to count out money for stamps.
The two men were still talking, and my beautiful male specimen stood in a very macho stance, legs apart and t-shirt straining against his pecs. My specimen continued talking about digging or building things or, possibly, the idea of wrestling me to the ground and making me submit to his will. I knew my charade had gone on for far too long, so I left the lobby. I only glanced back seven times as I headed for the elevators.
If I were capable of subtlety, the entire examination could have remained completely undetected. Nobody would ever know of my obsessive interest in the beautiful male specimen.
Today in the bathroom at work, I chanced upon the co-worker who had been chatting with my foreign muscleman. That is a complete lie. I was walking to the mailroom, saw the co-worker going into the men's room, and followed him in with the sole intention of finding out more about the guy he was chatting with the other day.
"Hey, was that your brother you were talking to the other day in the lobby?" I asked nonchalantly, wiping drool from my mouth. I had that question planned two days ago when I made the decision to research my subject further.
"No, he is - - "
I interrupted my co-worker in an attempt to seem like I had a reason (other than lust) for asking the question. I didn't want to be too obvious. "Oh, I thought he was your brother. Because he kind of resembles you. And because I heard you both speaking - what was it - Russian?"
"It was Romanian," said my co-worker.
I then started asking random questions about the origins of the Romanian language, listed a detailed description of my own passing familiarity with Swedish and French, and tried to figure out how to get to my point: Who is this beautiful male specimen!?
I washed my hands, but I couldn't leave the bathroom without answers. So I actually started preening at the mirror like a Hollywood starlet in a 1940's film. I brushed my hair back from my face, ran a finger across my eyebrows, and then brushed my hair back some more. It was as if I were sitting at a vanity in a black and white movie talking into the fake mirror that is really the camera. All that was missing was cold cream and a towel wrapped on my head.
I had already completely messed up my chances of getting back to the subject of my beautiful male specimen with my inane talk of foreign languages. So, I did the only thing I could think of. I backpedaled.
"Anyway. He looked like he might be your relative or somehow related to you."
"I know him from church," said my co-worker. I choked back a sob and left the bathroom heartbroken. I knew that asking if I could go to church with my co-worker sometime would be, well, a little too transparent. As if I weren't completely see-through already.
Thursday, November 03, 2005
Singing on the Queen
Yesterday when I posted, I thought it would be obvious that #5 was the lie, but I guess there are other parts of my life that are equally unbelievable. All those other things really happened. I retract what I said about Jaden. She is not a hoot. She is actually, "a little spitfire". (Better, Jades?)
Tonight I shall mount the Queen of the West and sing classic songs of the fifties and sixties. That, too, is a part of my life that seems a little bit unbelievable, even to me. Sometimes when I am on the riverboat in my rhinestone studded white tux jacket dancing and singing "Love Potion No. 9", my life seems a bit unconventional.
Today my heart feels big and sore, trying to push right through my skin....
I miss Thor so much. We talked a couple days ago, and at least I got to tell him I love him and hear him say those same wonderful words to me. I know there is nothing anybody can say other than "hang in there", but I wish there were magic words to make me stop feeling so sad. Maybe singing tonight will help me to put my focus on others instead of on myself.
Tonight I shall mount the Queen of the West and sing classic songs of the fifties and sixties. That, too, is a part of my life that seems a little bit unbelievable, even to me. Sometimes when I am on the riverboat in my rhinestone studded white tux jacket dancing and singing "Love Potion No. 9", my life seems a bit unconventional.
Today my heart feels big and sore, trying to push right through my skin....
I miss Thor so much. We talked a couple days ago, and at least I got to tell him I love him and hear him say those same wonderful words to me. I know there is nothing anybody can say other than "hang in there", but I wish there were magic words to make me stop feeling so sad. Maybe singing tonight will help me to put my focus on others instead of on myself.
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
Updates
So much has happened lately at CC Slaughters. Guess which one is the lie.
1. I met Jaden, my BFF, when she came to Portland. She is a hoot. A hot hoot. But my BFF wouldn't let me call her by her name. Kept making me call her Nancy or Lorraine or something. I didn't cooperate. I was, like, "Sorry, Jaden, for calling you Jaden. From now on I will be sure to call you Lorraine, Jaden."
2. Clayton came up to me while I was playing Word Dojo and apologized for throwing a beer at me and Thor when he saw us kissing. He said he wants to be friends. Then said that I deserve to die alone. Then he said he didn't really mean that. Then he asked me not to call him Angry Bear anymore. Then he said he loved me. Then he told me that he knew I had a thing for Thor from the moment they both took off their shirts in The Vortex to see who had better chest hair. Ummmmmmm.....
Sometimes it is hard to think of something to say in reply to certain things people tell you.
3. I met The Professor, who reads Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven and sent me an e-mail letting me know he was living in town for a while. He teaches at a local college, has a fabulous head of hair, a sparkling personality, and a hot boyfriend. We are so much alike, obviously. Well, except for the professor part.
4. I threw Smarties at Jesus on Halloween night. He didn't notice, which really caused my faith to waiver.
5. Somebody offered to buy me a drink, and I said no.
Spot the lie and win a prize. You must be present to win.
1. I met Jaden, my BFF, when she came to Portland. She is a hoot. A hot hoot. But my BFF wouldn't let me call her by her name. Kept making me call her Nancy or Lorraine or something. I didn't cooperate. I was, like, "Sorry, Jaden, for calling you Jaden. From now on I will be sure to call you Lorraine, Jaden."
2. Clayton came up to me while I was playing Word Dojo and apologized for throwing a beer at me and Thor when he saw us kissing. He said he wants to be friends. Then said that I deserve to die alone. Then he said he didn't really mean that. Then he asked me not to call him Angry Bear anymore. Then he said he loved me. Then he told me that he knew I had a thing for Thor from the moment they both took off their shirts in The Vortex to see who had better chest hair. Ummmmmmm.....
Sometimes it is hard to think of something to say in reply to certain things people tell you.
3. I met The Professor, who reads Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven and sent me an e-mail letting me know he was living in town for a while. He teaches at a local college, has a fabulous head of hair, a sparkling personality, and a hot boyfriend. We are so much alike, obviously. Well, except for the professor part.
4. I threw Smarties at Jesus on Halloween night. He didn't notice, which really caused my faith to waiver.
5. Somebody offered to buy me a drink, and I said no.
Spot the lie and win a prize. You must be present to win.
Monday, October 31, 2005
Hello, Dolly!
Oh, man, I am so glad to have my car back. Dolly has been my car for four years, and after my accident I had to drive a PT Cruiser for 12 days. Knowing as little about cars as I do, I mistakenly told people I was driving a Pacer.
Cruiser/Pacer. Whatever.
I remember the day CT took me car shopping. I had a bankruptcy on my credit and had no money put away. We found Dolly at a car lot that specialized in financing for losers like me. I did not even have a down payment, and there is no way in hell my partner would ever give me money, so the car dealer accepted my CD player as a down payment. I didn't tell them the CD player didn't actually work. Only the radio and cassette player.
I think that buying that car was the start of my independence from my partner. Once I could get in the car and drive to karaoke or rehearsals, I made new friends. I spent more time away from CT. I spent more time around other guys who treated me as if I were not completely undesirable. Dolly was there the night I kissed a boy who kissed me back passionately and made me think about what I was missing with CT.
I missed Dolly's accessories, lovingly placed over the rearview mirror. The Rosie the Robot keychain, the armband Thor wore on his bicep, the hawaiian shirt air freshener. I missed the way Dolly's CHECK ENGINE light comes on for apparently no reason, which has been a concern of every single boyfriend who has ever been in my car. I always enjoyed telling them to just ignore it the way I do. It made me feel so "Holly Golightly".
Looking back, I realize that my car has had several different boys in her passenger seat. She likes Thor the best though. Dolly, who enjoys a threesome as much as anyone, especially liked the way Thor would push me up against her trunk when he kissed me goodnight.
It feels so great to be reunited with my old friend Dolly. Absence really does make the heart grow fonder. If my reunion with Thor feels this good, I won't be able to stand it.
Cruiser/Pacer. Whatever.
I remember the day CT took me car shopping. I had a bankruptcy on my credit and had no money put away. We found Dolly at a car lot that specialized in financing for losers like me. I did not even have a down payment, and there is no way in hell my partner would ever give me money, so the car dealer accepted my CD player as a down payment. I didn't tell them the CD player didn't actually work. Only the radio and cassette player.
I think that buying that car was the start of my independence from my partner. Once I could get in the car and drive to karaoke or rehearsals, I made new friends. I spent more time away from CT. I spent more time around other guys who treated me as if I were not completely undesirable. Dolly was there the night I kissed a boy who kissed me back passionately and made me think about what I was missing with CT.
I missed Dolly's accessories, lovingly placed over the rearview mirror. The Rosie the Robot keychain, the armband Thor wore on his bicep, the hawaiian shirt air freshener. I missed the way Dolly's CHECK ENGINE light comes on for apparently no reason, which has been a concern of every single boyfriend who has ever been in my car. I always enjoyed telling them to just ignore it the way I do. It made me feel so "Holly Golightly".
Looking back, I realize that my car has had several different boys in her passenger seat. She likes Thor the best though. Dolly, who enjoys a threesome as much as anyone, especially liked the way Thor would push me up against her trunk when he kissed me goodnight.
It feels so great to be reunited with my old friend Dolly. Absence really does make the heart grow fonder. If my reunion with Thor feels this good, I won't be able to stand it.
Thursday, October 27, 2005
Hot Toddy is Fed Up!
I am staging a sit-down strike at work today. Nobody is really paying any attention to my protest, however, because my job pretty much entails sitting at my desk anyway.
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Clumsy
Yeah, so yesterday I wore clogs to work, cause I'm a dork. Then I fell off my clog. I was standing up at my desk, and my foot slipped off my clog. I fell backwards and landed in my chair. I started laughing and told Juju, "I just fell off my clog."
"That is the gayest sentence I have ever heard," said Juju.
Anyway...
"That is the gayest sentence I have ever heard," said Juju.
Anyway...
No Offense
Auburn Pisces' daughter, Auburn Aries, often starts her sentences with "No offense or anything..." and then finishes her sentence with her opinion that she thinks boys are messy, or something like that. She is very concerned that I'll be offended, but I never am. I think it's cute.
Maybe I should have started yesterday's post with a statement like, "no offense or anything, but I am going to write a story about a woman who took the whole Rosa Parks thing a bit too far..."
I am not sure how anyone could think I was disrespecting Rosa Parks, since the post was not about her. But, for those who said I was irreverent, I will give you that. Reverence is not my strongpoint. I was yelled at by the high school principle for dancing down the church aisle at my high school graduation ceremony, which was held in a large auditorium owned by a religious organization.
I don't feel like I need to write a tribute to Rosa Parks in order to honor her courage. I doubt there is much I could add to the millions of voices on the Internet applauding and honoring her. I have nothing unique or interesting to say about her passing. So I made something up that, in my opinion, was satirical. It was in no way a comment on the life of Rosa Parks or the contributions she made to our society.
Anyway, no offense was intended. Sometimes I offend without even trying. Maybe I should have written about how I fell off my clog yesterday.
Maybe I should have started yesterday's post with a statement like, "no offense or anything, but I am going to write a story about a woman who took the whole Rosa Parks thing a bit too far..."
I am not sure how anyone could think I was disrespecting Rosa Parks, since the post was not about her. But, for those who said I was irreverent, I will give you that. Reverence is not my strongpoint. I was yelled at by the high school principle for dancing down the church aisle at my high school graduation ceremony, which was held in a large auditorium owned by a religious organization.
I don't feel like I need to write a tribute to Rosa Parks in order to honor her courage. I doubt there is much I could add to the millions of voices on the Internet applauding and honoring her. I have nothing unique or interesting to say about her passing. So I made something up that, in my opinion, was satirical. It was in no way a comment on the life of Rosa Parks or the contributions she made to our society.
Anyway, no offense was intended. Sometimes I offend without even trying. Maybe I should have written about how I fell off my clog yesterday.
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Rotten Rosie
Rosa Parks passed away yesterday at the age of 92. Her laudable act of civil "disobedience" will be remembered forever. On a more personal note, my great aunt Rosie Parker also passed away yesterday. She was very inspired by the life of Rosa Parks, and she modeled herself after that great woman.
When I was a child, my Aunt Rosie used to take me to church with her every Sunday. We rode the city bus to the Presbyterian church a couple miles away from her little yellow house each week, and all the people on the bus knew her by name.
Aunt Rosie, known by many as Rotten Rosie, once refused to give up her seat to a white man on the city bus. I was so proud of her that day. I remember her grabbing his white cane and hitting him over the head with it several times. She was a wonderful woman.
Rosie wasn't afraid of anything. Like Rosa Parks, my aunt defied authority in spite of incredible opposition. When we rode the bus, my aunt refused to give up her seat to pregnant women and elderly people. Once she tripped a veteran as he was trying to board, and she also made mean faces at small children until they cried. Sometimes she would throw peanuts at the back of the bus driver's head in an attempt to distract him and cause a collision.
I remember the way Rosie would strike up conversations with widows on the bus and steal things from their purses as they chatted about the good old days. Rosie had a Bingo habit that wouldn't quit, so the stolen money came in quite handy. She financed several overseas trips for the two of us with her Bingo winnings.
I remember the flight to Fiji very well. Aunt Rosie refused to give up her seat to everyone walking down the aisle. They were just heading to their own seats, but she refused to give up her seat to them just the same. In fact, she refused to give up the two seats on either side of her and had the whole row to herself all the way to Fiji. God, I admired that woman. I remember her refusing to put her seat in the upright position for landing too. She also kept her tray table down and refused to stow her carry-on baggage safely in the overhead bin. Oh, and she slapped the flight attendant for "looking at her funny".
So, my Aunt Rosie is gone. Yesterday she was stealing some Girl Scout cookies from a little girl selling them in front of the grocery store, and a security guard attempted to interfere with my aunt's civil rights. She bludgeoned him with her shoe and was arrested. This caused an incredible strain on her poor heart, and she died peacefully in the back of the police car. We will all miss this woman very much.
Rest in Peace, Rotten Rosie.
When I was a child, my Aunt Rosie used to take me to church with her every Sunday. We rode the city bus to the Presbyterian church a couple miles away from her little yellow house each week, and all the people on the bus knew her by name.
Aunt Rosie, known by many as Rotten Rosie, once refused to give up her seat to a white man on the city bus. I was so proud of her that day. I remember her grabbing his white cane and hitting him over the head with it several times. She was a wonderful woman.
Rosie wasn't afraid of anything. Like Rosa Parks, my aunt defied authority in spite of incredible opposition. When we rode the bus, my aunt refused to give up her seat to pregnant women and elderly people. Once she tripped a veteran as he was trying to board, and she also made mean faces at small children until they cried. Sometimes she would throw peanuts at the back of the bus driver's head in an attempt to distract him and cause a collision.
I remember the way Rosie would strike up conversations with widows on the bus and steal things from their purses as they chatted about the good old days. Rosie had a Bingo habit that wouldn't quit, so the stolen money came in quite handy. She financed several overseas trips for the two of us with her Bingo winnings.
I remember the flight to Fiji very well. Aunt Rosie refused to give up her seat to everyone walking down the aisle. They were just heading to their own seats, but she refused to give up her seat to them just the same. In fact, she refused to give up the two seats on either side of her and had the whole row to herself all the way to Fiji. God, I admired that woman. I remember her refusing to put her seat in the upright position for landing too. She also kept her tray table down and refused to stow her carry-on baggage safely in the overhead bin. Oh, and she slapped the flight attendant for "looking at her funny".
So, my Aunt Rosie is gone. Yesterday she was stealing some Girl Scout cookies from a little girl selling them in front of the grocery store, and a security guard attempted to interfere with my aunt's civil rights. She bludgeoned him with her shoe and was arrested. This caused an incredible strain on her poor heart, and she died peacefully in the back of the police car. We will all miss this woman very much.
Rest in Peace, Rotten Rosie.
Thursday, October 20, 2005
Going Inside
These are trying times. Yesterday we had a tragedy at work, and last night I was in a car accident. I was struck on the driver's side pretty hard, and it shook me up quite a bit. I'm okay. Poor Dolly, my car, is not.
It feels as if the universe is trying to tell me something. Now is a time to just shut up and stop babbling. I need to go inside myself for a few days and be quiet. I need to reflect on what is important. What do I want to hang onto? What do I need to let go of?
I'll return soon. The great thing about people who read Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven is that I always know I'll come back to lots of love and support. I adore my blog friends.
Take care of yourselves and each other!
It feels as if the universe is trying to tell me something. Now is a time to just shut up and stop babbling. I need to go inside myself for a few days and be quiet. I need to reflect on what is important. What do I want to hang onto? What do I need to let go of?
I'll return soon. The great thing about people who read Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven is that I always know I'll come back to lots of love and support. I adore my blog friends.
Take care of yourselves and each other!
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Crazy Faith
I know you don't understand, when I tell you I'm going to wait for him to come home. You want me to stop putting my life on hold. You wish I would just let go and move on. But I have crazy faith in him. I don't know how to describe my situation other than to say I am incapable of taking back my heart.
When you tell me he's going to disappear, I remember his promise to prove you wrong. "He'll be dancing at our wedding someday..."
You tell me I give too much of myself. That I trust when I shouldn't. That I deserve better.
How can there be something better than loving someone so much that even the bad times don't cause me to bail out of the relationship? With him, I have no instinct of self-preservation. I'm on a plane in a thunderstorm ignoring the safety instructions from the flight attendant.
I'm not looking for the emergency exit. In fact, I fear that falling out of love with him may just be the end of me. It is belonging to him that keeps me going lately.
You shake your head at my stubborn commitment. Sometimes, when you aren't looking, I shake my head too. But I won't let you see that, because I fear that you'll use that against me. "A-ha! You doubt him! You're afraid!"
Sometimes I'm afraid. What if I put all my hopes into him, and he fails me? I guess I'll take that pain over no hope at all. Of one thing I'm certain...this is me. This is what I do. If I love a man, there will be nobody else. No back-up plan. No side bet. This is it for me, until he tells me otherwise.
Christmas is coming. And, after that, the dancing.
When you tell me he's going to disappear, I remember his promise to prove you wrong. "He'll be dancing at our wedding someday..."
You tell me I give too much of myself. That I trust when I shouldn't. That I deserve better.
How can there be something better than loving someone so much that even the bad times don't cause me to bail out of the relationship? With him, I have no instinct of self-preservation. I'm on a plane in a thunderstorm ignoring the safety instructions from the flight attendant.
I'm not looking for the emergency exit. In fact, I fear that falling out of love with him may just be the end of me. It is belonging to him that keeps me going lately.
You shake your head at my stubborn commitment. Sometimes, when you aren't looking, I shake my head too. But I won't let you see that, because I fear that you'll use that against me. "A-ha! You doubt him! You're afraid!"
Sometimes I'm afraid. What if I put all my hopes into him, and he fails me? I guess I'll take that pain over no hope at all. Of one thing I'm certain...this is me. This is what I do. If I love a man, there will be nobody else. No back-up plan. No side bet. This is it for me, until he tells me otherwise.
Christmas is coming. And, after that, the dancing.
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Back to the Aladdin
Tonight Auburn Pisces and I are going to see Dar Williams in concert at The Aladdin.
She is one inspiring performer! I've always loved a great songwriter who can write lyrics that move me. She is one of them.
I also love the songwriter who wrote these lyrics:
"You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have the facts of life, the facts of life..." but that wasn't Dar Williams.
Anyway, I'm heading back to The Aladdin, and this time I promise to be quiet during the opening act.
She is one inspiring performer! I've always loved a great songwriter who can write lyrics that move me. She is one of them.
I also love the songwriter who wrote these lyrics:
"You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have the facts of life, the facts of life..." but that wasn't Dar Williams.
Anyway, I'm heading back to The Aladdin, and this time I promise to be quiet during the opening act.
Monday, October 17, 2005
Sh-Boom!
I've been waiting to announce my new job title for a couple weeks, but the time has come. Hot Toddy is now officially a Cruise Ship Singer!!
Starting this week, I'll be performing classic songs of the 50's and 60's on steamboat cruises touring the Columbia River.
I went to check out the venue on Friday night with the other Sh-Boomers, and I was very impressed with the beautiful boat. I'll be singing bass in a quartet, so I've been practicing along with a video tape of the show. The Handsome Prince performs with the group, and he recommended me to them as a part-time replacement. For the next couple months, I'll be quite busy as there are several performances requiring my services. The money is quite good, and the group is a lot of fun.
Last night I was doing laundry at Auburn Pisces' house, and I was practicing one of my solos from the show. Little Auburn Aries came to chat with me and walked in as I was singing, "Now I don't have plans and schemes, and I don't have hopes and dreams, I don't have anything, since I don't have you..."
Thinking I was singing about Thor, which I guess I sort of was, Auburn Aries said cheerfully, "You have ME, Toddy..."
"Oh, I know sweetie," I said, giving her a little hug, "I was just practicing a song. But I guess it does sort of fit my life right now!"
She giggled and said, "I can still feel Thor's spirit here, can't you?"
My eyes welled with tears. I told her that I could, indeed, feel him as if he were standing right there with us. When she saw tears in my eyes, she asked me how old I was.'
"Thirty-nine," I said hesitantly, thinking she was going to tell me I was too old to cry.
"Tell me thirty-nine memories of Thor," she said.
I was speechless. This girl is smart and quick and very compassionate.
We spent the next several minutes telling each other our happy memories of a man we both love so much.
Remember when he took us for ice cream? Remember the water fight we had in the front yard? Remember how he would laugh in that silly way? Remember how we all went on a date to the restaurant?
When Auburn Pisces walked into the room, her daughter prodded her to participate in our game. "Mom, we're listing 39 things we remember about Thor. You think of one."
"I remember how he used to leave dirty dishes in the sink," she said laughing.
"No! Good ones! We're listing good memories," she chided.
We continued talking about Thor, and I glanced over at our picture on the fridge. He's got his arms around me, and we're wearing our cowboy hats. One of the happiest moments of my life is captured forever in that picture and is stuck to AP's fridge as a reminder of how good love feels.
Some of the memories we shared made my heart ache, but I've got to hand it to that kid, she knows how to be a great friend. She gets it from her mother.
Starting this week, I'll be performing classic songs of the 50's and 60's on steamboat cruises touring the Columbia River.
I went to check out the venue on Friday night with the other Sh-Boomers, and I was very impressed with the beautiful boat. I'll be singing bass in a quartet, so I've been practicing along with a video tape of the show. The Handsome Prince performs with the group, and he recommended me to them as a part-time replacement. For the next couple months, I'll be quite busy as there are several performances requiring my services. The money is quite good, and the group is a lot of fun.
Last night I was doing laundry at Auburn Pisces' house, and I was practicing one of my solos from the show. Little Auburn Aries came to chat with me and walked in as I was singing, "Now I don't have plans and schemes, and I don't have hopes and dreams, I don't have anything, since I don't have you..."
Thinking I was singing about Thor, which I guess I sort of was, Auburn Aries said cheerfully, "You have ME, Toddy..."
"Oh, I know sweetie," I said, giving her a little hug, "I was just practicing a song. But I guess it does sort of fit my life right now!"
She giggled and said, "I can still feel Thor's spirit here, can't you?"
My eyes welled with tears. I told her that I could, indeed, feel him as if he were standing right there with us. When she saw tears in my eyes, she asked me how old I was.'
"Thirty-nine," I said hesitantly, thinking she was going to tell me I was too old to cry.
"Tell me thirty-nine memories of Thor," she said.
I was speechless. This girl is smart and quick and very compassionate.
We spent the next several minutes telling each other our happy memories of a man we both love so much.
Remember when he took us for ice cream? Remember the water fight we had in the front yard? Remember how he would laugh in that silly way? Remember how we all went on a date to the restaurant?
When Auburn Pisces walked into the room, her daughter prodded her to participate in our game. "Mom, we're listing 39 things we remember about Thor. You think of one."
"I remember how he used to leave dirty dishes in the sink," she said laughing.
"No! Good ones! We're listing good memories," she chided.
We continued talking about Thor, and I glanced over at our picture on the fridge. He's got his arms around me, and we're wearing our cowboy hats. One of the happiest moments of my life is captured forever in that picture and is stuck to AP's fridge as a reminder of how good love feels.
Some of the memories we shared made my heart ache, but I've got to hand it to that kid, she knows how to be a great friend. She gets it from her mother.
Friday, October 14, 2005
Pub Quiz
Last night my friend, Apollo, called me to say hello. I was sitting in my car (and had been for at least 20 minutes) listening to a sad song.
"Are you crying?" he asked.
I told him that I was having a hard time at the moment and couldn't figure out what to do with my evening. I didn't feel like being alone. I didn't want to cook dinner and eat it by myself, but I am so sick of hanging out at bars just to avoid loneliness.
"I'll meet you for drinks in 20 minutes. And make sure you walk to the bar. You need to get your body moving. It will cheer you up!"
An hour and a half later, he called to let me know he wouldn't be able to make it because his boyfriend wanted him at home. Damn couples.
Anyway - I went to a local pub and participated in the Thursday night pub quiz. Most teams had 2-6 people. I was a team by myself, and I came in second to last place. I was beat by a team called "The King Shits of Fuck Mountain".
Can't get much lower than that, huh?
"Are you crying?" he asked.
I told him that I was having a hard time at the moment and couldn't figure out what to do with my evening. I didn't feel like being alone. I didn't want to cook dinner and eat it by myself, but I am so sick of hanging out at bars just to avoid loneliness.
"I'll meet you for drinks in 20 minutes. And make sure you walk to the bar. You need to get your body moving. It will cheer you up!"
An hour and a half later, he called to let me know he wouldn't be able to make it because his boyfriend wanted him at home. Damn couples.
Anyway - I went to a local pub and participated in the Thursday night pub quiz. Most teams had 2-6 people. I was a team by myself, and I came in second to last place. I was beat by a team called "The King Shits of Fuck Mountain".
Can't get much lower than that, huh?
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
Pagan Frivolity
I can't stand to look at that post from yesterday for one more moment. I was seriously spun up yesterday. About everything!
Yes, it's true. I sometimes blow things out of proportion. For example, my birthday drunkenness. It was explained to me by several people that you are allowed to have too much to drink on your birthday. The bouncer who carried me out of CC Slaughters that night said it is almost mandatory that you overdo it to the point of not being able to walk at least once in your life.
Jaden (BFF) called last night to tell me to stop being so dramatic or she wouldn't be my locker partner next year when we graduate to middle school. Actually, she threatened not to hang out with me when she visits Portland this month, but the warning still hit home. You can find my birthday drunk dial to Jaden here. And I have absolutely no memory of making that call.
Apparently I talked to Sunney One for about 15 minutes that night too. I told her the story of the guy ripping off his shirt and giving it to me. Then I told her the same exact story, word for word, a second time.
I'll try to tone down the guilt a bit. It's no fun, I know. It's just the way I was brought up and some of that guilt still rears its ugly head from time to time. Maybe I can borrow some of Auburn Pisces' spirituality.
Auburn Pisces helped me curb my Christian Guilt with her laughter. She cracked up as she told me the story of trying to get me into the house with my jeans hanging down around my boots. I managed a smile when I heard that I actually fell off the bed while sitting down on it. If you want her rundown of the evening, you can read it here.
Yes, it's true. I sometimes blow things out of proportion. For example, my birthday drunkenness. It was explained to me by several people that you are allowed to have too much to drink on your birthday. The bouncer who carried me out of CC Slaughters that night said it is almost mandatory that you overdo it to the point of not being able to walk at least once in your life.
Jaden (BFF) called last night to tell me to stop being so dramatic or she wouldn't be my locker partner next year when we graduate to middle school. Actually, she threatened not to hang out with me when she visits Portland this month, but the warning still hit home. You can find my birthday drunk dial to Jaden here. And I have absolutely no memory of making that call.
Apparently I talked to Sunney One for about 15 minutes that night too. I told her the story of the guy ripping off his shirt and giving it to me. Then I told her the same exact story, word for word, a second time.
I'll try to tone down the guilt a bit. It's no fun, I know. It's just the way I was brought up and some of that guilt still rears its ugly head from time to time. Maybe I can borrow some of Auburn Pisces' spirituality.
Auburn Pisces helped me curb my Christian Guilt with her laughter. She cracked up as she told me the story of trying to get me into the house with my jeans hanging down around my boots. I managed a smile when I heard that I actually fell off the bed while sitting down on it. If you want her rundown of the evening, you can read it here.
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
Monday, October 10, 2005
A New Direction
Seeing so many warm birthday wishes in my comments makes me very happy. Thank you to everyone. I was honored to get phone calls from blogger friends all over the world too. I am feeling the love!
I celebrated my birthday with some beautiful people.
Auburn Pisces made breakfast for me and these great friends:
Tim, the Toddtender, who has a big warm heart and makes me feel loved.
Pony and his boyfriend, Chopper, who never let me down. Ever.
Juju and Metro, with whom I feel an unbreakable bond of friendship and love.
The Handsome Prince and his boyfriend, The Math Whiz, who have seen me through some of the hardest times I've ever faced and, somehow, have never given up on me.
And Auburn Pisces, who should win some kind of award for loyal friendship, even when the payback is much less than she deserves.
It was wonderful to be with people who love me.
Auburn Pisces and Pony got me a CD player for my car, which was totally unexpected. AP and I went to get it installed Saturday afternoon, and I am loving it!
It is at this point I should probably stop writing instead of inflicting my truth on the world. Many bloggers know how to put a positive spin on their lives and leave out the dirty details and shameful indiscretions. I'm not one of those bloggers.
I would be lying if I said the day was everything I'd hoped for. Everyone knows that my heart's desire was a surprise visit from Thor. I knew he probably couldn't make it back to Portland for my birthday. He told me so himself. But I still had this not-so-secret hope....
Sometimes drinking too much can be kind of funny. Cute, almost. Sometimes drinking too much can be disgusting and very, very unfunny. Saturday night I had more to drink than I ever have before or ever will again. The drinks were free, and everytime I turned around, I was being handed another whiskey. I drank to the point of not remembering anything the next day. By 11:15 p.m., I was gone. It was ugly. I was ugly. I'm told I had to be dragged to Auburn Pisces' car and poured into it.
It is embarrassing to admit that there was a certain point where Auburn Pisces nearly called 911, fearing that I had alcohol poisoning. She stayed with me until she was sure I'd be okay, but she tells me I had her very worried. When I woke up the next day and had no memory of leaving the bar or being put to bed, I was scared and remorseful. A huge chunk of my evening was missing.
I want to apologize, but I'm not sure who to apologize to. Maybe to myself? I am questioning how I got here? When did I become so reckless? When did I stop caring about my life?
If anything good came out of the whole mess, it is a new resolve to make some changes in my life. I want to be healthy and happy. I don't want to become this tragic figure I seem hell-bent on becoming. I want to change my direction and start on a new path.
I want to be alive when I'm 40.
I celebrated my birthday with some beautiful people.
Auburn Pisces made breakfast for me and these great friends:
Tim, the Toddtender, who has a big warm heart and makes me feel loved.
Pony and his boyfriend, Chopper, who never let me down. Ever.
Juju and Metro, with whom I feel an unbreakable bond of friendship and love.
The Handsome Prince and his boyfriend, The Math Whiz, who have seen me through some of the hardest times I've ever faced and, somehow, have never given up on me.
And Auburn Pisces, who should win some kind of award for loyal friendship, even when the payback is much less than she deserves.
It was wonderful to be with people who love me.
Auburn Pisces and Pony got me a CD player for my car, which was totally unexpected. AP and I went to get it installed Saturday afternoon, and I am loving it!
It is at this point I should probably stop writing instead of inflicting my truth on the world. Many bloggers know how to put a positive spin on their lives and leave out the dirty details and shameful indiscretions. I'm not one of those bloggers.
I would be lying if I said the day was everything I'd hoped for. Everyone knows that my heart's desire was a surprise visit from Thor. I knew he probably couldn't make it back to Portland for my birthday. He told me so himself. But I still had this not-so-secret hope....
Sometimes drinking too much can be kind of funny. Cute, almost. Sometimes drinking too much can be disgusting and very, very unfunny. Saturday night I had more to drink than I ever have before or ever will again. The drinks were free, and everytime I turned around, I was being handed another whiskey. I drank to the point of not remembering anything the next day. By 11:15 p.m., I was gone. It was ugly. I was ugly. I'm told I had to be dragged to Auburn Pisces' car and poured into it.
It is embarrassing to admit that there was a certain point where Auburn Pisces nearly called 911, fearing that I had alcohol poisoning. She stayed with me until she was sure I'd be okay, but she tells me I had her very worried. When I woke up the next day and had no memory of leaving the bar or being put to bed, I was scared and remorseful. A huge chunk of my evening was missing.
I want to apologize, but I'm not sure who to apologize to. Maybe to myself? I am questioning how I got here? When did I become so reckless? When did I stop caring about my life?
If anything good came out of the whole mess, it is a new resolve to make some changes in my life. I want to be healthy and happy. I don't want to become this tragic figure I seem hell-bent on becoming. I want to change my direction and start on a new path.
I want to be alive when I'm 40.
Friday, October 07, 2005
Thursday, October 06, 2005
Eavesdropping
Last night at CC Slaughters, I overheard two guys talking about me. Pony was being asked some questions about me, and I heard him say, "When it comes to boyfriends, you could do worse than Todd."
I smiled smugly and secretly to myself as I sipped my Long Island Iced Tea gaily (how else would I drink it). My legs were swinging happily as I sat on my bar stool. I think I started humming a happy song in my head. Something like, "La, la, la. I am so hot. I am the hottest boy in the w-o-o-o-r-l-d. La, la, la..."
Then I heard Pony continue...
"You could do a lot better than Todd..."
WHAT!? I couldn't believe it.
I sat there wishing I hadn't overheard the conversation. I wondered why Pony would tell this guy he could do a lot better than me. I mean, not that I'm available anyway, but it would have been nice if Pony had said something kind about me.
Then I heard the guy say, "That is so sweet of you to say!"
I muttered to myself as I slurped my Long Island Iced Tea. "Yeah, I'm sure you think it's sweet. He's telling you I'm not good enough for you. Bastards. Both of you. I hope you both die. I hate you so much Pony. I wish I had never gone out with you. You are dirt. You are the dirt on the bottom of a pile of dirt."
"Todd, did you hear what Pony said about you!?"
I answered that, yes, I had indeed. "I believe Pony's exact words were that you could do much better than me," I snarled.
Pony looked at me in shock. This is not a new look. He has given me this look many times, usually right after I do or say something incredibly stupid. I wondered if I had just said or done something incredibly stupid. Probably, I thought to myself.
"I said he could do NO better than you," Pony said. His inflection indicated there was a silent "dumb ass" at the end of his statement.
"Oh. That changes everything. And I was so mad at you, Pony, wondering why you would say such a mean thing about me."
Pony shook his head at me. "You think I would say that about you?" (Another silent "dumb ass"). I realized then that if I am going to ever make it as a spy (I'm not), I'm really going to have to brush up on my eavesdropping skills.
I decided not to pursue the conversation further. I turned my attention back to my Long Island Iced Tea, and began singing verse two in my head...
"La, la, la. You could do no better than me. I am the hottest boy in the w-o-o-o-rld. Everybody wants m-e-e-e-e-e-e. Nobody's better than me. Thor is the luckiest man alive. La, la, la."
I smiled smugly and secretly to myself as I sipped my Long Island Iced Tea gaily (how else would I drink it). My legs were swinging happily as I sat on my bar stool. I think I started humming a happy song in my head. Something like, "La, la, la. I am so hot. I am the hottest boy in the w-o-o-o-r-l-d. La, la, la..."
Then I heard Pony continue...
"You could do a lot better than Todd..."
WHAT!? I couldn't believe it.
I sat there wishing I hadn't overheard the conversation. I wondered why Pony would tell this guy he could do a lot better than me. I mean, not that I'm available anyway, but it would have been nice if Pony had said something kind about me.
Then I heard the guy say, "That is so sweet of you to say!"
I muttered to myself as I slurped my Long Island Iced Tea. "Yeah, I'm sure you think it's sweet. He's telling you I'm not good enough for you. Bastards. Both of you. I hope you both die. I hate you so much Pony. I wish I had never gone out with you. You are dirt. You are the dirt on the bottom of a pile of dirt."
"Todd, did you hear what Pony said about you!?"
I answered that, yes, I had indeed. "I believe Pony's exact words were that you could do much better than me," I snarled.
Pony looked at me in shock. This is not a new look. He has given me this look many times, usually right after I do or say something incredibly stupid. I wondered if I had just said or done something incredibly stupid. Probably, I thought to myself.
"I said he could do NO better than you," Pony said. His inflection indicated there was a silent "dumb ass" at the end of his statement.
"Oh. That changes everything. And I was so mad at you, Pony, wondering why you would say such a mean thing about me."
Pony shook his head at me. "You think I would say that about you?" (Another silent "dumb ass"). I realized then that if I am going to ever make it as a spy (I'm not), I'm really going to have to brush up on my eavesdropping skills.
I decided not to pursue the conversation further. I turned my attention back to my Long Island Iced Tea, and began singing verse two in my head...
"La, la, la. You could do no better than me. I am the hottest boy in the w-o-o-o-rld. Everybody wants m-e-e-e-e-e-e. Nobody's better than me. Thor is the luckiest man alive. La, la, la."
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
Huh?
1. My mother, upon finding out that I am going to Tokyo in January, asked if I could hand out fliers on the street for a new business she's involved with. They plan on launching their product in Japan next year, and she thought it would be good if I could start getting the word out.
2. Marcus, who had drinks with me in Las Vegas at Hamburger Mary's, made a point of telling me he was straight. He spent the rest of the night taking me to local gay bars, buying me beer, rubbing my back, and pouting when I said I didn't want to go dancing at a gay nightclub. He drove me back to my hotel and asked if he could join me inside for a nightcap. A straight nightcap, mind you, but I still said no.
3. I stood in line behind a lady ordering lunch at a local deli. She asked for a Cobb Salad. "Do you want everything on that?" asked the girl behind the counter. "I don't know," replied the woman. "What do you put on a Cobb Salad that I don't like?"
2. Marcus, who had drinks with me in Las Vegas at Hamburger Mary's, made a point of telling me he was straight. He spent the rest of the night taking me to local gay bars, buying me beer, rubbing my back, and pouting when I said I didn't want to go dancing at a gay nightclub. He drove me back to my hotel and asked if he could join me inside for a nightcap. A straight nightcap, mind you, but I still said no.
3. I stood in line behind a lady ordering lunch at a local deli. She asked for a Cobb Salad. "Do you want everything on that?" asked the girl behind the counter. "I don't know," replied the woman. "What do you put on a Cobb Salad that I don't like?"
Monday, October 03, 2005
Don't Let Anyone Steal Your Sausage
Dreams can be so crazy. I can't stand sausage thiefs.
Last night I had a dream that my friend, Christian, died. The thing is, I don't know anybody named Christian. But coping with his death was traumatic in my dream. Christian had given me some sort of Chinese engraving made out of jade. Maybe I had that dream because I talked to Kiks yesterday. (No, he's not dead. He's Chinese)
The best dreams, for me, usually involve a visit to Paris. I have Paris dreams quite frequently. In many of these dreams I spontaneously decide to hop on a flight to France some Friday afternoon and fly back to the states on Sunday evening. In one dream the trip was so impulsive that I didn't have any clean clothes for the journey, so I brought my laundry bag to Paris and decided to just wash my clothes when I got there.
My favorite dreams, lately, involve just being with Thor. Sometimes the dreams happen while I'm awake, like when Auburn Pisces was doing a house blessing ritual for Juju and Link Friday night. While participating in the ritual, I had such a strong daydream about the day that Thor and I move into a home together someday.
I don't always remember the details of my dreams about Thor. I just wake up with a feeling of safety, and I know that we were together in my dream. When we're actually back together in our waking hours, I'll never take his companionship for granted. Just being in the same room with him will make my world so much brighter.
"In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities."
-- Janos Arany
Last night I had a dream that my friend, Christian, died. The thing is, I don't know anybody named Christian. But coping with his death was traumatic in my dream. Christian had given me some sort of Chinese engraving made out of jade. Maybe I had that dream because I talked to Kiks yesterday. (No, he's not dead. He's Chinese)
The best dreams, for me, usually involve a visit to Paris. I have Paris dreams quite frequently. In many of these dreams I spontaneously decide to hop on a flight to France some Friday afternoon and fly back to the states on Sunday evening. In one dream the trip was so impulsive that I didn't have any clean clothes for the journey, so I brought my laundry bag to Paris and decided to just wash my clothes when I got there.
My favorite dreams, lately, involve just being with Thor. Sometimes the dreams happen while I'm awake, like when Auburn Pisces was doing a house blessing ritual for Juju and Link Friday night. While participating in the ritual, I had such a strong daydream about the day that Thor and I move into a home together someday.
I don't always remember the details of my dreams about Thor. I just wake up with a feeling of safety, and I know that we were together in my dream. When we're actually back together in our waking hours, I'll never take his companionship for granted. Just being in the same room with him will make my world so much brighter.
"In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities."
-- Janos Arany
Friday, September 30, 2005
A Negative Post
My HIV test results came back negative today. Negative can be such a positive word.
Gay men experience some things in life with more regularity than other people do. For example, we probably go to more Margaret Cho performances and Sound of Music sing-a-longs. That is why some of us crave community with other gay men. We wish to share our common bonds and talk about the things that "nobody else understands".
Most intelligent people realize that HIV is not just a concern for gay men. On the other hand, statistics show most people who contract the disease do so through male-to-male sexual contact. So, when you're a man who sleeps with other men, it's important to get tested regularly. Even if you hate it. Even if it scares you and stresses you out. Even if you are "pretty sure" you've only engaged in safe sex.
I called the results line and gave them my confidential patient number. My heart pounded as I sat there imagining how my life would change if a voice came on the line and said that my results were positive. Or if they said I had to come in for my results which, for me anyway, would mean the news was so scary they wanted to make sure I was locked in a private room so they could help me through the ordeal.
For the past week, I've tried not to think about getting my results today. And I almost completely forgot to call. But I called the results line and gave them my number, and now I was sitting at my desk waiting to hear...whatever. I stopped breathing while I waited for the results. And, after two hours - okay, 30 seconds - but it felt like two hours, I was told that my results were negative.
I exhaled deeply and said, "thank you." I hung up the phone and closed my eyes and tried not to cry. I was relieved, but I also thought about all the men who call the results line and hear bad news. I thought about friends and past boyfriends who are HIV+, and my heart went out to them. They are strong people, and they have conquered much and survived more adversity than many of us. I only personally knew one friend who died of AIDS, and that was over a decade ago. I thought of him today too. Kerry, I hope you are at peace, and I send you much love.
Most days I wish my boyfriend would call me more often, and I wish I could lose weight, and I wish I made more money. Today, I'm just happy with things the way they are. I'm feeling really positive about being negative.
Gay men experience some things in life with more regularity than other people do. For example, we probably go to more Margaret Cho performances and Sound of Music sing-a-longs. That is why some of us crave community with other gay men. We wish to share our common bonds and talk about the things that "nobody else understands".
Most intelligent people realize that HIV is not just a concern for gay men. On the other hand, statistics show most people who contract the disease do so through male-to-male sexual contact. So, when you're a man who sleeps with other men, it's important to get tested regularly. Even if you hate it. Even if it scares you and stresses you out. Even if you are "pretty sure" you've only engaged in safe sex.
I called the results line and gave them my confidential patient number. My heart pounded as I sat there imagining how my life would change if a voice came on the line and said that my results were positive. Or if they said I had to come in for my results which, for me anyway, would mean the news was so scary they wanted to make sure I was locked in a private room so they could help me through the ordeal.
For the past week, I've tried not to think about getting my results today. And I almost completely forgot to call. But I called the results line and gave them my number, and now I was sitting at my desk waiting to hear...whatever. I stopped breathing while I waited for the results. And, after two hours - okay, 30 seconds - but it felt like two hours, I was told that my results were negative.
I exhaled deeply and said, "thank you." I hung up the phone and closed my eyes and tried not to cry. I was relieved, but I also thought about all the men who call the results line and hear bad news. I thought about friends and past boyfriends who are HIV+, and my heart went out to them. They are strong people, and they have conquered much and survived more adversity than many of us. I only personally knew one friend who died of AIDS, and that was over a decade ago. I thought of him today too. Kerry, I hope you are at peace, and I send you much love.
Most days I wish my boyfriend would call me more often, and I wish I could lose weight, and I wish I made more money. Today, I'm just happy with things the way they are. I'm feeling really positive about being negative.
Thursday, September 29, 2005
Helpless
After five days of doing nothing for myself, I am helpless. After I landed last night in Portland, I actually thought to myself, "why am I carrying my bags through the airport? Shouldn't I be able to tip someone to do this for me?"
Mind you, I had a small gym bag and a backpack.
The first time I ordered room service at The Aladdin, my cabana boy, or whatever you call him, asked if I wanted him to pour my coffee. I looked at him as if he was joking. He wasn't. I let him know I felt pretty confident about the whole coffee pouring process in spite of some previous mishaps.
I don't think I opened a door for myself the entire time I was in Las Vegas. No cooking, no making my bed (like I ever do that anyway) and no carrying anything except for the hundred dollar bills I loaded into the slot machines.
I love room service. I have discovered the joys of eating breakfast naked on my bed. One morning I ordered breakfast from room service and the servant girl asked if I wanted her to butter my english muffin for me. Again, I thought she must be joking. Juju thinks the girl was hitting on me. Gross. Anyway, I reassured her I could just take care buttering my own muffin. When your boyfriend is away, you become used to doing things for yourself, you know.
After a few days of royal treatment in Vegas, I quickly became spoiled. I was once told by an astrologer that in a past life I was a kept man for a very wealthy Italian family. My every whim was catered to, and all I had to do was offer my services as a plaything for the family. Sometimes I believe this story of my past life may be true, because I so quickly adapt to being pampered.
On the last morning in Vegas I ordered breakfast and demanded that it be brought to my room in 20 minutes or less. Then I yelled at the maid to scrub the toilet faster and get out. I called the front desk and complained about the fact that I only had one small bottle of bath gel for my morning soak and made them bring up a case carried by the Chippendales dancers. Then I had the guys run my bath and scrub me down.
When my driver was late picking me up for the airport, I had him fired. Then I threw a fit when Hermes wouldn't open for me so I could buy a watch for Tina Turner. "This is living," I thought, as I sipped champagne in the VIP lounge of the airport.
Now I am back in Portland being treated with no respect. Don't these people know who I think I am!? Heads are gonna roll...
Mind you, I had a small gym bag and a backpack.
The first time I ordered room service at The Aladdin, my cabana boy, or whatever you call him, asked if I wanted him to pour my coffee. I looked at him as if he was joking. He wasn't. I let him know I felt pretty confident about the whole coffee pouring process in spite of some previous mishaps.
I don't think I opened a door for myself the entire time I was in Las Vegas. No cooking, no making my bed (like I ever do that anyway) and no carrying anything except for the hundred dollar bills I loaded into the slot machines.
I love room service. I have discovered the joys of eating breakfast naked on my bed. One morning I ordered breakfast from room service and the servant girl asked if I wanted her to butter my english muffin for me. Again, I thought she must be joking. Juju thinks the girl was hitting on me. Gross. Anyway, I reassured her I could just take care buttering my own muffin. When your boyfriend is away, you become used to doing things for yourself, you know.
After a few days of royal treatment in Vegas, I quickly became spoiled. I was once told by an astrologer that in a past life I was a kept man for a very wealthy Italian family. My every whim was catered to, and all I had to do was offer my services as a plaything for the family. Sometimes I believe this story of my past life may be true, because I so quickly adapt to being pampered.
On the last morning in Vegas I ordered breakfast and demanded that it be brought to my room in 20 minutes or less. Then I yelled at the maid to scrub the toilet faster and get out. I called the front desk and complained about the fact that I only had one small bottle of bath gel for my morning soak and made them bring up a case carried by the Chippendales dancers. Then I had the guys run my bath and scrub me down.
When my driver was late picking me up for the airport, I had him fired. Then I threw a fit when Hermes wouldn't open for me so I could buy a watch for Tina Turner. "This is living," I thought, as I sipped champagne in the VIP lounge of the airport.
Now I am back in Portland being treated with no respect. Don't these people know who I think I am!? Heads are gonna roll...
Sunday, September 25, 2005
Hot Toddy in Shorts
Yep. All week at this conference I will be wearing shorts.
How does a person forget to pack pants when going to Las Vegas for a four-day conference?!?
I'll tell you how. First the person, we'll call him Aloysius, goes out drinking the night before he leaves and decides to wait to pack until the next morning at 5:30 a.m. Oh, and then, as an added display of mental dexterity, the drunk person, Aloysius, also decides to spend the night with his friend. We'll call her Lola Falana. So Aloysius crashes at Lola's place and the next morning packs rapidly, making sure to bring the rope he sleeps with. He then arrives in Las Vegas with t-shirts, shorts, swimming trunks, a rope, and a pair of sandals.
Notice how I remembered the swim trunks. I spent a couple hours by the pool today enjoying the live music and the live bodybuilder also staying at my hotel. He knew he was hot so he stood up the whole time talking to his friends. He didn't want to sit down and possibly have somebody miss his glorious physique. Whatever. I enjoyed staring for a few moments, but its nothing I haven't already seen in thousands of magazines and/or at the gay bars.
Tonight at The Bellagio there was a lovely cocktail and hors-d'oeuvres reception for all the conference attendees in nice clothes and me. I actually sought out the two other guys wearing shorts and tried to get them to talk to me, but they snubbed me because, I guess, their shorts were nicer. Or it could have been my sandals. Screw 'em, I have a tan and they are sweaty in their long pants. I don't need more friends anyway.
The only other person who would talk to me at the conference tonight was the lady with arthritic feet who was trying to figure out the shortest distance to her room from the conference hall. Iwalked shuffled with her because she appreciated my help and didn't look down on me because of my shorts.
I'm only down $103 and my bathroom has a sunken tub. The fountains at The Bellagio made me cry tonight. More on that later.
How does a person forget to pack pants when going to Las Vegas for a four-day conference?!?
I'll tell you how. First the person, we'll call him Aloysius, goes out drinking the night before he leaves and decides to wait to pack until the next morning at 5:30 a.m. Oh, and then, as an added display of mental dexterity, the drunk person, Aloysius, also decides to spend the night with his friend. We'll call her Lola Falana. So Aloysius crashes at Lola's place and the next morning packs rapidly, making sure to bring the rope he sleeps with. He then arrives in Las Vegas with t-shirts, shorts, swimming trunks, a rope, and a pair of sandals.
Notice how I remembered the swim trunks. I spent a couple hours by the pool today enjoying the live music and the live bodybuilder also staying at my hotel. He knew he was hot so he stood up the whole time talking to his friends. He didn't want to sit down and possibly have somebody miss his glorious physique. Whatever. I enjoyed staring for a few moments, but its nothing I haven't already seen in thousands of magazines and/or at the gay bars.
Tonight at The Bellagio there was a lovely cocktail and hors-d'oeuvres reception for all the conference attendees in nice clothes and me. I actually sought out the two other guys wearing shorts and tried to get them to talk to me, but they snubbed me because, I guess, their shorts were nicer. Or it could have been my sandals. Screw 'em, I have a tan and they are sweaty in their long pants. I don't need more friends anyway.
The only other person who would talk to me at the conference tonight was the lady with arthritic feet who was trying to figure out the shortest distance to her room from the conference hall. I
I'm only down $103 and my bathroom has a sunken tub. The fountains at The Bellagio made me cry tonight. More on that later.
Friday, September 23, 2005
Great Stove
Not to be outdone by Jaden, my BFF, I needed to see where I rank in the world. Incidentally, Jaden wrote the most brilliant post on lettuce spines. It made me jealous, and now I want to be her.
Enough about her, let's talk about me.
Can I just say how proud I am to be listed at Greatstoves.com right between a recipe for Quick Garlic Cheese Biscuits and an article of Toaster Oven reviews?
I am also the number three entry on Yourovensguide.info under the ovens index.
At this time I would like to apologize to all the Nebraska grandmothers who came here looking for the perfect Christmas gift and instead found me. I know you must be mortified by what you've read here, Mildred, Beatrice, and Sylvia. Just be thankful we're not related.
Oh, and to make sure you don't leave empty-handed, Bernice and Myrtle, I recommend the Oster Inspire.
It is fascinating to see how people discover Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven. My boyfriend still googles in order to find this blog. Today he found me by Googling this. He's so cute. Note that he searched using all capital letters, WHICH IS HIS TRADEMARK BECAUSE HE HAS SUCH A DEEP SEXY VOICE.
Off to Vegas! See you next week...
Enough about her, let's talk about me.
Can I just say how proud I am to be listed at Greatstoves.com right between a recipe for Quick Garlic Cheese Biscuits and an article of Toaster Oven reviews?
I am also the number three entry on Yourovensguide.info under the ovens index.
At this time I would like to apologize to all the Nebraska grandmothers who came here looking for the perfect Christmas gift and instead found me. I know you must be mortified by what you've read here, Mildred, Beatrice, and Sylvia. Just be thankful we're not related.
Oh, and to make sure you don't leave empty-handed, Bernice and Myrtle, I recommend the Oster Inspire.
It is fascinating to see how people discover Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven. My boyfriend still googles in order to find this blog. Today he found me by Googling this. He's so cute. Note that he searched using all capital letters, WHICH IS HIS TRADEMARK BECAUSE HE HAS SUCH A DEEP SEXY VOICE.
Off to Vegas! See you next week...
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
Hey, you...
Yeah, you. The guy who stole my heart. I want you to know you've stamped your soul and your blue eyes and your enormous laugh into the center of my being. I hear your name in my head over and over. I love your name so much - the way it is spelled, the way it sounds coming from my mouth, the uniqueness of it.
I can still imagine your smell. The shirt of yours that I sleep with has lost your scent, but my memory is strong. Oh, and I also bought the same body wash that you use, so maybe that's part of why I can still smell you.
When I miss you, I feel weak. But I am really doing pretty well, all things considered. I just wish I could tell you every single day that I love you so much. As you said, even if I suddenly lost the power of speech, you'd still know I love you and would never need to hear me say it again.
Remember that one afternoon when we looked through a box of your old cards and letters? You let me read some pretty personal stuff. Then I handed you my journal and said you could open it up and read any entry you wanted. That's the day you found out about a secret encounter I had with - well, you know. I was embarrassed, because I had never told you about him and I. But you just laughed at me and kept reading with a big smile on your face. I loved you even more after that moment.
Later that afternoon, you grabbed me and said we were going out to clean our cars. While you cleaned out your truck, I moaned and groaned about having to clean my car for the first time in, like, years. But when we finished, I felt so great. Thank you for making me do that.
Today I am missing your sexy forearms. I would love to fall asleep feeling the hair of your forearm next to my cheek. I miss everything about you, but that's what I'm remembering at this moment.
You're the most unique man I have ever met. I feel crazy quoting Dionne Warwick, but I really do know I'll never love this way again. I will see you soon, baby, but not soon enough!
I know where I stand in your heart. You know where you stand in mine. I miss you.
I can still imagine your smell. The shirt of yours that I sleep with has lost your scent, but my memory is strong. Oh, and I also bought the same body wash that you use, so maybe that's part of why I can still smell you.
When I miss you, I feel weak. But I am really doing pretty well, all things considered. I just wish I could tell you every single day that I love you so much. As you said, even if I suddenly lost the power of speech, you'd still know I love you and would never need to hear me say it again.
Remember that one afternoon when we looked through a box of your old cards and letters? You let me read some pretty personal stuff. Then I handed you my journal and said you could open it up and read any entry you wanted. That's the day you found out about a secret encounter I had with - well, you know. I was embarrassed, because I had never told you about him and I. But you just laughed at me and kept reading with a big smile on your face. I loved you even more after that moment.
Later that afternoon, you grabbed me and said we were going out to clean our cars. While you cleaned out your truck, I moaned and groaned about having to clean my car for the first time in, like, years. But when we finished, I felt so great. Thank you for making me do that.
Today I am missing your sexy forearms. I would love to fall asleep feeling the hair of your forearm next to my cheek. I miss everything about you, but that's what I'm remembering at this moment.
You're the most unique man I have ever met. I feel crazy quoting Dionne Warwick, but I really do know I'll never love this way again. I will see you soon, baby, but not soon enough!
I know where I stand in your heart. You know where you stand in mine. I miss you.
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
To Drug or Not to Drug?
That really has been the question lately. Should I be on medication?
In spite of the way I have been feeling lately (uninspired, lonely, sad, lethargic, lost) I have decided not to drug. I have decided I need to feel right now, even if the feelings are unpleasant.
Life can sometimes be dark. While it is wonderful to dream about spending the rest of my life with my boyfriend, it doesn't take away the pain of being away from him now. Thor and I have definite plans to see each other, and the day can't come soon enough. But I'm still here in the uncertain present, and no amount of hope for the future seems to make this easier.
There are some people who take pleasure in seeing me this way. They gloat and enjoy seeing me lonely. It sounds horrible, but I know it is true. They have let me know this. While I am sad, I am also incredibly happy. I am sad because I am in love and can't be with my man. So, people can gloat all they want. I'm still in love with a guy who loves me more than I have ever been loved in my life.
I'm not down for the count. I'm being underestimated, and my strength is surprising. I have friends who would fall apart if their boyfriend or girlfriend didn't call for a couple days. Don't get me wrong, I hate it when I don't hear from Thor, but I am not falling apart. We usually talk every couple days. One weekend we talked two or three times a day. Always, the time in between talks feels too long. It feels too long. Feeling, feeling, feeling. I sure am feeling a lot. I could turn it off with a drug, and its tempting. But I still think it is good to feel. Even if you feel rotten.
This is possibly the most disjointed and confusing post ever written. Writing doesn't come easily lately. Too many eyes probing and making assumptions about me based on what they read. No, this isn't about the comments from a couple days ago. This is about real-life people making real-life comments to my real-life face. I feel judged lately, and judged harshly.
If you are a friend who reads the blog and doesn't judge and shares kind encouraging words with me, you can thank Thor that I'm still here writing. Thor asked me to keep blogging when I felt like stopping a few weeks ago. "That's your thing, baby, you can't stop..." Also, he wants to know what is going on with me while we're apart, so in a way I am doing this for him. Sometimes when you love someone, you do things you don't feel like doing.
When I can't be funny, or when people complain to me that I don't write about their lives in my blog (yes, it actually happened), or when I know my words are read by people who think I need to get a grip or get a life or get a clue, it makes it hard to keep going. One person complained to me recently that he didn't like the way he was being "portrayed" in my blog. Um, sorry, this isn't a screenplay. If it were it would be the most boring horrible movie in the world. Trust me, I know Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven has seen better days. But this blog wasn't started to impress anybody. I write about my reality. Sometimes that reality is seen through drunken CC Slaughtered eyes (thanks, Jades) or through lesbian song lyrics (thanks, Thor).
Back to my point. (Did I have one?) I don't want to drug myself. (Okay, maybe a whiskey or two) I have never taken medication for ADD because I'm afraid it would dull my mind or diminish creative thought. I don't want to take medication for depression, because I think I'm supposed to be sad right now. And I think I am supposed to write about it, too, so its okay if you don't want to read this blog anymore. I promise I won't be hurt. Or maybe you'll just keep coming back to gloat. Do what you want, I can't stop you. I'll have some really great news to share soon, and you'll be irritated that things are going well for me again.
In spite of the way I have been feeling lately (uninspired, lonely, sad, lethargic, lost) I have decided not to drug. I have decided I need to feel right now, even if the feelings are unpleasant.
Life can sometimes be dark. While it is wonderful to dream about spending the rest of my life with my boyfriend, it doesn't take away the pain of being away from him now. Thor and I have definite plans to see each other, and the day can't come soon enough. But I'm still here in the uncertain present, and no amount of hope for the future seems to make this easier.
There are some people who take pleasure in seeing me this way. They gloat and enjoy seeing me lonely. It sounds horrible, but I know it is true. They have let me know this. While I am sad, I am also incredibly happy. I am sad because I am in love and can't be with my man. So, people can gloat all they want. I'm still in love with a guy who loves me more than I have ever been loved in my life.
I'm not down for the count. I'm being underestimated, and my strength is surprising. I have friends who would fall apart if their boyfriend or girlfriend didn't call for a couple days. Don't get me wrong, I hate it when I don't hear from Thor, but I am not falling apart. We usually talk every couple days. One weekend we talked two or three times a day. Always, the time in between talks feels too long. It feels too long. Feeling, feeling, feeling. I sure am feeling a lot. I could turn it off with a drug, and its tempting. But I still think it is good to feel. Even if you feel rotten.
This is possibly the most disjointed and confusing post ever written. Writing doesn't come easily lately. Too many eyes probing and making assumptions about me based on what they read. No, this isn't about the comments from a couple days ago. This is about real-life people making real-life comments to my real-life face. I feel judged lately, and judged harshly.
If you are a friend who reads the blog and doesn't judge and shares kind encouraging words with me, you can thank Thor that I'm still here writing. Thor asked me to keep blogging when I felt like stopping a few weeks ago. "That's your thing, baby, you can't stop..." Also, he wants to know what is going on with me while we're apart, so in a way I am doing this for him. Sometimes when you love someone, you do things you don't feel like doing.
When I can't be funny, or when people complain to me that I don't write about their lives in my blog (yes, it actually happened), or when I know my words are read by people who think I need to get a grip or get a life or get a clue, it makes it hard to keep going. One person complained to me recently that he didn't like the way he was being "portrayed" in my blog. Um, sorry, this isn't a screenplay. If it were it would be the most boring horrible movie in the world. Trust me, I know Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven has seen better days. But this blog wasn't started to impress anybody. I write about my reality. Sometimes that reality is seen through drunken CC Slaughtered eyes (thanks, Jades) or through lesbian song lyrics (thanks, Thor).
Back to my point. (Did I have one?) I don't want to drug myself. (Okay, maybe a whiskey or two) I have never taken medication for ADD because I'm afraid it would dull my mind or diminish creative thought. I don't want to take medication for depression, because I think I'm supposed to be sad right now. And I think I am supposed to write about it, too, so its okay if you don't want to read this blog anymore. I promise I won't be hurt. Or maybe you'll just keep coming back to gloat. Do what you want, I can't stop you. I'll have some really great news to share soon, and you'll be irritated that things are going well for me again.
Monday, September 19, 2005
Hot Toddy Gets Irritated
So, I get back to my blog after a couple days off and find that things have been pretty crazy! Cruella DeVille left a bunch of mean comments, told lies, and hated on everybody. Then people jumped to my defense. Then I deleted Cruella's ridiculous statements. But do you know what the most irritating thing is??
WTF was up with that Emmy Idol television theme segment last night!? Ridiculous.
Maybe it is because the last time I watched an awards show I was safe in the arms of the man I love. Or maybe I'm irritated because there was not enough Ellen last night. I expected the producers to utilize her talents to make the show hilarious, but, alas, she was almost a minor player in the show that should have been hers.
But back to the theme song "contest". Of course Donald Trump in overalls singing the theme from Green Acres with Megan Mullally won. Donald Trump in overalls is comedy gold, dontchaknow. But if we never hear the theme song from Fame again, it will be too soon. I liked the rendition of The Jeffersons, but nobody wore overalls (that would be racist, wouldn't it?) and the Star Trek theme was just awful. William Shatner teamed up with, I guess, the woman who played Captain Kirk in the original series (I'm not Trekkanese; I have no idea).
So some random ignoramus leaves mean comments and spreads lies. That's a minor irritant that can be swatted away like a pesky gnat. But American Idol ripoffs on the Emmy Awards? Now that is something to get irritated about!
WTF was up with that Emmy Idol television theme segment last night!? Ridiculous.
Maybe it is because the last time I watched an awards show I was safe in the arms of the man I love. Or maybe I'm irritated because there was not enough Ellen last night. I expected the producers to utilize her talents to make the show hilarious, but, alas, she was almost a minor player in the show that should have been hers.
But back to the theme song "contest". Of course Donald Trump in overalls singing the theme from Green Acres with Megan Mullally won. Donald Trump in overalls is comedy gold, dontchaknow. But if we never hear the theme song from Fame again, it will be too soon. I liked the rendition of The Jeffersons, but nobody wore overalls (that would be racist, wouldn't it?) and the Star Trek theme was just awful. William Shatner teamed up with, I guess, the woman who played Captain Kirk in the original series (I'm not Trekkanese; I have no idea).
So some random ignoramus leaves mean comments and spreads lies. That's a minor irritant that can be swatted away like a pesky gnat. But American Idol ripoffs on the Emmy Awards? Now that is something to get irritated about!
Thursday, September 15, 2005
Is it Just Me?
Did anybody else receive a strange anonymous e-mail from someone spewing hatred about right-handed people with fair hair? The message I received yesterday seemed like it was written by someone on drugs. Someone who hates blondes. This person also said they wouldn't marry me, much to my chagrin. They also employed the standard courteous closing, "You can run, but you can't hide..."
Was it spam? Was it real hate mail?
Whoever you are, anonymous spammer and/or hate mailer, I just wanted to clarify that I can, indeed, run. However I don't feel like it because the ice falls out of my vodka tonic when I run.
Oh, and I stopped hiding years ago and don't plan on doing it ever again.
Was it spam? Was it real hate mail?
Whoever you are, anonymous spammer and/or hate mailer, I just wanted to clarify that I can, indeed, run. However I don't feel like it because the ice falls out of my vodka tonic when I run.
Oh, and I stopped hiding years ago and don't plan on doing it ever again.
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
Train Song
Train Song
Mindy Smith
I've been listening
For those metal wheels
To come scraping across that
Old rusty track
And I'm just wondering, I need to ask
Is my sweet man on that train
And I've been waiting
For the whistle to sound
Like a ghost on the highland
Howling proud
And I'm just wondering, I'll ask again
Is my sweet man coming back
Everything inside me
Is aching for you now
Every minute given
I'm just waiting for your love
I'm just wondering, I need to ask
Is my sweet man on his way
And I've been crying
Trying to make sense
Of all this shit
He left me to tend
And I'm just wondering, I'll ask again
Is my sweet man on that train
Everything inside me
Is aching for you now
Every minute given
I'm just waiting for your love
I'm just wondering, I need to ask
Is my sweet man on that train
I'm just wondering, I need to ask
Is my sweet man on that train
Today marks four months since Thor called to ask me out. Best phone call ever. I love you, Thor!
Mindy Smith
I've been listening
For those metal wheels
To come scraping across that
Old rusty track
And I'm just wondering, I need to ask
Is my sweet man on that train
And I've been waiting
For the whistle to sound
Like a ghost on the highland
Howling proud
And I'm just wondering, I'll ask again
Is my sweet man coming back
Everything inside me
Is aching for you now
Every minute given
I'm just waiting for your love
I'm just wondering, I need to ask
Is my sweet man on his way
And I've been crying
Trying to make sense
Of all this shit
He left me to tend
And I'm just wondering, I'll ask again
Is my sweet man on that train
Everything inside me
Is aching for you now
Every minute given
I'm just waiting for your love
I'm just wondering, I need to ask
Is my sweet man on that train
I'm just wondering, I need to ask
Is my sweet man on that train
Today marks four months since Thor called to ask me out. Best phone call ever. I love you, Thor!
Monday, September 12, 2005
Vegas Dreams
In a couple weeks, I'm heading to Las Vegas for a conference. Although I realize the worst odds are at the slot machines, I still enjoy playing them more than anything else at the casino. That's probably a Pavlovian response to the $1100 I won (off a $1.00 bet) at the Cherries Jubilee slots at the MGM Grand in 1996.
Last night I had a dream that I was at the Cashier's window buying some chips. I had a huge wad of money in my hands - all singles and five dollar bills. I didn't feel like counting the money before buying chips, so I just pretended to count it so the cashier would think I knew how much she owed me. After flipping through the bills, I shoved the whole wad at the cashier and just waited to see how much I'd get back in chips.
I really wish Juju were going with me on this trip to keep an eye on me. We both put in requests to go, but I guess they only approved my attendance since she is such a slacker at work.
If you know of anything I simply must do or see in Vegas, please let me know. Otherwise, I will probably not venture beyond the slot machines.
Last night I had a dream that I was at the Cashier's window buying some chips. I had a huge wad of money in my hands - all singles and five dollar bills. I didn't feel like counting the money before buying chips, so I just pretended to count it so the cashier would think I knew how much she owed me. After flipping through the bills, I shoved the whole wad at the cashier and just waited to see how much I'd get back in chips.
I really wish Juju were going with me on this trip to keep an eye on me. We both put in requests to go, but I guess they only approved my attendance since she is such a slacker at work.
If you know of anything I simply must do or see in Vegas, please let me know. Otherwise, I will probably not venture beyond the slot machines.
Friday, September 09, 2005
Hot Toddy & The Volkswagen
Last night after happy hour I received a call from Auburn Pisces demanding that I go back to CC Slaughters and turn in my credit card receipt. I had accidentally kept both copies when I signed my receipt. Why did CC Slaughters call Auburn Pisces? How did they get her number? These are questions shared by many. Questions I am unable to answer.
So, after a phone call with Katehopeeden last night, I drove back to CC's with my receipt in hand. During the phone call, I bragged to K about the fact that I never have to get out of the car at the gas station because we're not allowed to pump our own gas in Oregon. Moments later, the gas station attendant told me I had to go pay inside since the computer was down. K was laughing at me. She heard the whole exchange between me and the attendant and mocked me for my lazy pride.
I did not plan on staying at CC's. But between Auburn Pisces waving me over and seeing The Hot Toddtender, and running into an intoxicated Pony, I knew I had to have at least one or two drinks.
All of a sudden, I saw him. The guy in the Superman shirt. He wasn't actually wearing the Superman shirt at the time, but I recognized him from a bout of lust I experienced several months earlier when he had the big S on his chest and his arms begged to be groped. He is muscular and has Mario Lopez dimples. His arms are round and bulging, and his chest is firm. He is built sort of like a Volkswagen.
After we spoke for a few moments, the VW began touching me. Lightly at first, and then rubbing my back, and then reaching for more personal areas. The VW quickly figured out that I have a thing for biceps. Maybe it is because I kept glancing at his biteable arms. As I told VW about my boyfriend, he flexed for me and let me feel his rock-hard muscles. I muttered to myself, "Thor, Thor, Thor, Thor, Thor...", but I kept squeezing those smooth tan arms. He opened his shirt and I felt his chest. I knew I was going to be in trouble if I kept this up.
I was invited to the VW's home for a private viewing of his assets. I declined. He moved toward me to kiss me. I turned my head away. A friend remarked that I was sweating heavily. Auburn Pisces mouthed the words, "Do you need rescuing?" I shook my head.
The VW continued strutting and flirting and inviting me to his garage - er - house. I told him that I loved my boyfriend very much. Now, Thor is not threatened by other guys. He once told me that I had his permission to do "whatever you need to do while I'm gone", and yet, when faced with an opportunity to have some fun, I just can't. I know I would feel miserable afterwards.
VW wasn't discouraged by my talking about Thor. He continued with his attentions even after I showed him a picture on my cell phone of Thor and I kissing. "So, you can just call me Thor," he said.
"I'm in love with the man, not the name," I answered.
VW finally gave up. I sat and talked to one of his friends for a while. A really cool guy who asked me lots of questions about my relationship and seemed genuinely interested. Then my phone rang, and it was Thor. Running outside (okay, so maybe I skipped. Shut up. He makes me happy) I began telling Thor all about my night. When I got to the part about my muscular new acquaintance, Thor said, "Well, I hope you felt his biceps at least!"
I told him that I had, indeed, allowed myself this indulgence. He was less comfortable with the idea of VW trying to kiss me, but he seemed happy that I had not given in to the temptation. I've never known Thor to be jealous, and sometimes I wish he would be just a teeny tiny bit jealous. It would make me feel kind of good.
Thor's anger was aroused when I mentioned that VW said I could call him "Thor" if it meant he'd get to take me home. Thor said that if this guy continued messing with me, he would come back to Portland and kick his ass.
I responded without missing a beat, "Get up here! He's trying to pull my pants off right now!" Thor laughed and told me he loved me. Then he admitted that he felt jealous and that he was surprised by his own feelings. We talked about the fact that I'm often viewed by others as "relationship material".
"He's not like you and me, Toddy. He's trying to use you," said Thor. I let Thor know that, whether or not VW was really looking for love or just a hook-up, Thor had absolutely nothing to worry about.
We talked some more and laughed. For a change, neither of us cried. We remembered the nights after drinking at CC's when we would go to his place and climb into bed and hold each other. We talked about how much we miss those typical Thursday nights.
Thor asked me to go give the doorman, J, at CC's a hug and kiss from him. I complied. J seemed a bit embarrassed, but I know he could feel the love from Thor and me.
We finished our talk, I hung up, and my heart jumped up and down inside my chest. "Thor called! Thor called! Thor called!" I love this man so much.
I went back inside, and I noticed that VW had moved on to other targets. I finished my second or third Maker's Mark (Okay, you were right Tim the Toddtender, I will never close my tab after just one drink)and left the bar. I went home feeling proud of myself for practicing self-control. I also went home feeling incredibly lucky to have Thor's heart, his trust, and just a teeny tiny bit of his jealousy.
So, after a phone call with Katehopeeden last night, I drove back to CC's with my receipt in hand. During the phone call, I bragged to K about the fact that I never have to get out of the car at the gas station because we're not allowed to pump our own gas in Oregon. Moments later, the gas station attendant told me I had to go pay inside since the computer was down. K was laughing at me. She heard the whole exchange between me and the attendant and mocked me for my lazy pride.
I did not plan on staying at CC's. But between Auburn Pisces waving me over and seeing The Hot Toddtender, and running into an intoxicated Pony, I knew I had to have at least one or two drinks.
All of a sudden, I saw him. The guy in the Superman shirt. He wasn't actually wearing the Superman shirt at the time, but I recognized him from a bout of lust I experienced several months earlier when he had the big S on his chest and his arms begged to be groped. He is muscular and has Mario Lopez dimples. His arms are round and bulging, and his chest is firm. He is built sort of like a Volkswagen.
After we spoke for a few moments, the VW began touching me. Lightly at first, and then rubbing my back, and then reaching for more personal areas. The VW quickly figured out that I have a thing for biceps. Maybe it is because I kept glancing at his biteable arms. As I told VW about my boyfriend, he flexed for me and let me feel his rock-hard muscles. I muttered to myself, "Thor, Thor, Thor, Thor, Thor...", but I kept squeezing those smooth tan arms. He opened his shirt and I felt his chest. I knew I was going to be in trouble if I kept this up.
I was invited to the VW's home for a private viewing of his assets. I declined. He moved toward me to kiss me. I turned my head away. A friend remarked that I was sweating heavily. Auburn Pisces mouthed the words, "Do you need rescuing?" I shook my head.
The VW continued strutting and flirting and inviting me to his garage - er - house. I told him that I loved my boyfriend very much. Now, Thor is not threatened by other guys. He once told me that I had his permission to do "whatever you need to do while I'm gone", and yet, when faced with an opportunity to have some fun, I just can't. I know I would feel miserable afterwards.
VW wasn't discouraged by my talking about Thor. He continued with his attentions even after I showed him a picture on my cell phone of Thor and I kissing. "So, you can just call me Thor," he said.
"I'm in love with the man, not the name," I answered.
VW finally gave up. I sat and talked to one of his friends for a while. A really cool guy who asked me lots of questions about my relationship and seemed genuinely interested. Then my phone rang, and it was Thor. Running outside (okay, so maybe I skipped. Shut up. He makes me happy) I began telling Thor all about my night. When I got to the part about my muscular new acquaintance, Thor said, "Well, I hope you felt his biceps at least!"
I told him that I had, indeed, allowed myself this indulgence. He was less comfortable with the idea of VW trying to kiss me, but he seemed happy that I had not given in to the temptation. I've never known Thor to be jealous, and sometimes I wish he would be just a teeny tiny bit jealous. It would make me feel kind of good.
Thor's anger was aroused when I mentioned that VW said I could call him "Thor" if it meant he'd get to take me home. Thor said that if this guy continued messing with me, he would come back to Portland and kick his ass.
I responded without missing a beat, "Get up here! He's trying to pull my pants off right now!" Thor laughed and told me he loved me. Then he admitted that he felt jealous and that he was surprised by his own feelings. We talked about the fact that I'm often viewed by others as "relationship material".
"He's not like you and me, Toddy. He's trying to use you," said Thor. I let Thor know that, whether or not VW was really looking for love or just a hook-up, Thor had absolutely nothing to worry about.
We talked some more and laughed. For a change, neither of us cried. We remembered the nights after drinking at CC's when we would go to his place and climb into bed and hold each other. We talked about how much we miss those typical Thursday nights.
Thor asked me to go give the doorman, J, at CC's a hug and kiss from him. I complied. J seemed a bit embarrassed, but I know he could feel the love from Thor and me.
We finished our talk, I hung up, and my heart jumped up and down inside my chest. "Thor called! Thor called! Thor called!" I love this man so much.
I went back inside, and I noticed that VW had moved on to other targets. I finished my second or third Maker's Mark (Okay, you were right Tim the Toddtender, I will never close my tab after just one drink)and left the bar. I went home feeling proud of myself for practicing self-control. I also went home feeling incredibly lucky to have Thor's heart, his trust, and just a teeny tiny bit of his jealousy.
Thursday, September 08, 2005
One Moment More
The other day Kiks sent me a link to the greatest song, One Moment More, by Mindy Smith. He thought of this song after reading my post, The Final Countdown.
What an amazing song, and it expresses exactly how we both felt on that last morning together. And, Kiks, you couldn't know this, but we saw a shooting star on our last evening together. It crossed the sky the moment I told Thor that I loved him.
If you can't play the video link above for some reason, here are the lyrics.
Thor, if you are reading this, make sure you have your rum and coke handy before listening to the song! And thank you, Kiks!
It's not like everything about my life sucks. For example, since I am not looking for a boyfriend, I can eat a messy breakfast burrito at my desk, and it doesn't even matter if a hot guy comes over to talk to me about work and sees me stuffing food into my mouth while salsa drips off my chin.
What an amazing song, and it expresses exactly how we both felt on that last morning together. And, Kiks, you couldn't know this, but we saw a shooting star on our last evening together. It crossed the sky the moment I told Thor that I loved him.
If you can't play the video link above for some reason, here are the lyrics.
Thor, if you are reading this, make sure you have your rum and coke handy before listening to the song! And thank you, Kiks!
It's not like everything about my life sucks. For example, since I am not looking for a boyfriend, I can eat a messy breakfast burrito at my desk, and it doesn't even matter if a hot guy comes over to talk to me about work and sees me stuffing food into my mouth while salsa drips off my chin.
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
Fear Factor
To fully get where I'm coming from today, you should first read Juju's post, Scaredy Cat. (No, I'm not calling you a scaredy cat. That's the name of the post. Stop being so sensitive.)
Then you should read Auburn Pisces' response to Juju.
I suppose by further commenting on fear in relationships, I am helping to create a meme of sorts. Rather than a list of favorite music, this is more of a touchy feely meme. And it's not the kind of meme you would want to "tag" someone with, but if you have thoughts on the matter, I'd love for you to send me an e-mail or leave a comment and let me know you're continuing the discussion on your blog.
Juju is more in touch with herself - wait, let me start that over. Juju knows herself and is capable of great insight when it comes to her own issues and the issues of her friends. Auburn Pisces is focused and very skilled at cutting through to the heart of the matter. Having friends like Aub and Juju is the main reason I haven't yet been institutionalized.
That said, I'm experiencing a different sort of fear than either of my friends. One friend sometimes worries that she won't find her true love. Another worries that the true love she has found will force her to change into someone she despises.
My fear right now is that my hope for a future with Thor will be deferred or, worse, never fully realized. I fear that every day we spend apart will cause us to slowly forget or become numb to all that we shared. Before he left he told me that he could spend three months, one for each month we had in Portland, thinking about all the great times we had. Now that we are approaching one month apart, I'm wondering how long it will be until we can make more memories. I'm desperate to keep restocking. I don't want to run out of memories. Ever!
Vanity is at the heart of one of my biggest fears. I fear that I will end up looking foolish if this doesn't work out. (Sorry, Thor, I know you constantly tell me I'm crazy for doubting, but I have to admit I sometimes feel anxious about our surviving The Interruption.) Not every love survives, and sometimes we don't get to end up with the one who makes our heart sing. If my dreams of a future with you don't come to fruition, I worry that I will fall apart. I worry that I just won't be able to get back up again and won't even want to try. The vanity inherent in worrying about what others might think of my failure to survive a long-distance relationship is ridiculous.
As my friends fall in love, move in together, marry, buy houses, have children, etc., I worry that I am going to be left behind. I told Thor that I am having a hard time waiting for him to return while other relationships are moving forward. I'm on hold listening to muzak. In a month I'll be 39! I feel too old to wait. I feel like time is running out. (Good lord, you'd think I have some kind of biological clock of my own ticking away the moments of my remaining life.)
Kent, my friend, as you said to me in an e-mail today, "I realize that I am responsible for my own happiness..." and I guess that we are also responsible for our own fears. I think by expressing our fears, we can better manage them. By being honest with our "darker" thoughts, we can more effectively express the joyful feelings that come along too.
What are we so afraid of? It's just life!
Then you should read Auburn Pisces' response to Juju.
I suppose by further commenting on fear in relationships, I am helping to create a meme of sorts. Rather than a list of favorite music, this is more of a touchy feely meme. And it's not the kind of meme you would want to "tag" someone with, but if you have thoughts on the matter, I'd love for you to send me an e-mail or leave a comment and let me know you're continuing the discussion on your blog.
Juju is more in touch with herself - wait, let me start that over. Juju knows herself and is capable of great insight when it comes to her own issues and the issues of her friends. Auburn Pisces is focused and very skilled at cutting through to the heart of the matter. Having friends like Aub and Juju is the main reason I haven't yet been institutionalized.
That said, I'm experiencing a different sort of fear than either of my friends. One friend sometimes worries that she won't find her true love. Another worries that the true love she has found will force her to change into someone she despises.
My fear right now is that my hope for a future with Thor will be deferred or, worse, never fully realized. I fear that every day we spend apart will cause us to slowly forget or become numb to all that we shared. Before he left he told me that he could spend three months, one for each month we had in Portland, thinking about all the great times we had. Now that we are approaching one month apart, I'm wondering how long it will be until we can make more memories. I'm desperate to keep restocking. I don't want to run out of memories. Ever!
Vanity is at the heart of one of my biggest fears. I fear that I will end up looking foolish if this doesn't work out. (Sorry, Thor, I know you constantly tell me I'm crazy for doubting, but I have to admit I sometimes feel anxious about our surviving The Interruption.) Not every love survives, and sometimes we don't get to end up with the one who makes our heart sing. If my dreams of a future with you don't come to fruition, I worry that I will fall apart. I worry that I just won't be able to get back up again and won't even want to try. The vanity inherent in worrying about what others might think of my failure to survive a long-distance relationship is ridiculous.
As my friends fall in love, move in together, marry, buy houses, have children, etc., I worry that I am going to be left behind. I told Thor that I am having a hard time waiting for him to return while other relationships are moving forward. I'm on hold listening to muzak. In a month I'll be 39! I feel too old to wait. I feel like time is running out. (Good lord, you'd think I have some kind of biological clock of my own ticking away the moments of my remaining life.)
Kent, my friend, as you said to me in an e-mail today, "I realize that I am responsible for my own happiness..." and I guess that we are also responsible for our own fears. I think by expressing our fears, we can better manage them. By being honest with our "darker" thoughts, we can more effectively express the joyful feelings that come along too.
What are we so afraid of? It's just life!
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
Hot Toddy, Mystery Solver
On Sunday I called Thor at noon. "Someone's at the door, I'll call you right back," he said.
He didn't call me right back. I still hadn't heard from him at 1:00. Then 2:00 came and went with no word from him. 3:00, 4:00, 5:00 - still no call.
Around 6:00 I decided that he was on his way to Portland to surprise me. I figured the person at the door must be his ride to the airport, and that he was just waiting to call me back until he was at my front door. It would be the best surprise ever.
At 7:00, I decided his flight was delayed. By 9:00, I had abandoned hope of a surprise Labor Day visit from my boyfriend.
At 10:00, I climbed into bed to read. I was fuming at Thor for not calling back.
At 11:30, I turned off the light. My phone rang a couple minutes later.
"Honey, I have had the worst day," Thor told me. He then described a very chaotic day, and I understood why he hadn't called. I admitted to him that I had convinced myself he was on his way to surprise me. He laughed when I explained my theory of his surprise visit to Portland.
"Why do you do that? Why do you create stories in your head, Toddy?" he asked me.
"You always said I was like Nancy Drew. When something doesn't make sense to me, I try to solve the mystery," I replied.
"Toddy, I'm not sure you're really Nancy Drew after all. When Nancy Drew solves a mystery, she is usually right," Thor said.
I admitted that he had a point. I can create some pretty fantastic scenarios sometimes as I attempt to piece together evidence.
Thor laughed on the other end of the phone as he told me, "I think you are more like the Brady Bunch kids if they were trying to solve a mystery."
He knows me so well.
He didn't call me right back. I still hadn't heard from him at 1:00. Then 2:00 came and went with no word from him. 3:00, 4:00, 5:00 - still no call.
Around 6:00 I decided that he was on his way to Portland to surprise me. I figured the person at the door must be his ride to the airport, and that he was just waiting to call me back until he was at my front door. It would be the best surprise ever.
At 7:00, I decided his flight was delayed. By 9:00, I had abandoned hope of a surprise Labor Day visit from my boyfriend.
At 10:00, I climbed into bed to read. I was fuming at Thor for not calling back.
At 11:30, I turned off the light. My phone rang a couple minutes later.
"Honey, I have had the worst day," Thor told me. He then described a very chaotic day, and I understood why he hadn't called. I admitted to him that I had convinced myself he was on his way to surprise me. He laughed when I explained my theory of his surprise visit to Portland.
"Why do you do that? Why do you create stories in your head, Toddy?" he asked me.
"You always said I was like Nancy Drew. When something doesn't make sense to me, I try to solve the mystery," I replied.
"Toddy, I'm not sure you're really Nancy Drew after all. When Nancy Drew solves a mystery, she is usually right," Thor said.
I admitted that he had a point. I can create some pretty fantastic scenarios sometimes as I attempt to piece together evidence.
Thor laughed on the other end of the phone as he told me, "I think you are more like the Brady Bunch kids if they were trying to solve a mystery."
He knows me so well.
Separation
Your absence has gone through me
Like thread through a needle.
Everything I do is stitched with its color.
-- W.S. Merwin
This time apart from Thor has not diminished me or left a hole in me. His absence from my daily life has, however, colored my world with a different shade.
It is remarkable how differently we are both responding to the situation. He's working harder, sleeping less and becoming more impulsive. I'm distracted at work, sleeping more and reading books.
This weekend I went hiking. This weekend Thor had his nipples pierced. (Don't think I didn't start salivating the minute I heard that. My tongue goes with nipple piercings like chocolate goes with peanut butter.)
It will be interesting to come back together and observe the way our separation has colored our worlds. I'm fortunate to be in a relationship that is being tested in its early stages. What I've learned so far is that absence does make the heart grow fonder, we still make each other laugh, and, so far, the sky hasn't fallen.
Like thread through a needle.
Everything I do is stitched with its color.
-- W.S. Merwin
This time apart from Thor has not diminished me or left a hole in me. His absence from my daily life has, however, colored my world with a different shade.
It is remarkable how differently we are both responding to the situation. He's working harder, sleeping less and becoming more impulsive. I'm distracted at work, sleeping more and reading books.
This weekend I went hiking. This weekend Thor had his nipples pierced. (Don't think I didn't start salivating the minute I heard that. My tongue goes with nipple piercings like chocolate goes with peanut butter.)
It will be interesting to come back together and observe the way our separation has colored our worlds. I'm fortunate to be in a relationship that is being tested in its early stages. What I've learned so far is that absence does make the heart grow fonder, we still make each other laugh, and, so far, the sky hasn't fallen.
Friday, September 02, 2005
My Hero
This week, my man Thor rescued a jackrabbit that had fallen down into a hole. I couldn't follow the story very well since we tend to speak quickly and interrupt each other a lot on our phone calls, but I know the jackrabbit rescue ended happily with the jackrabbit thanking Thor for saving his life before the bunny hopped away.
Thor is a gentle giant. Kind to animals and children, he reminds me of Jesus or Pa Ingalls. On the other hand, with his shaved head, tattoo and pierced ear, he looks like he could possibly be cast in HBO's OZ series. Please bear with me a moment as I reflect on a prison fantasy that just popped into my head.
Wow. MMmmmmm. Nice. Woof!
Okay, I'm back. What was I saying? Oh, yes. Thor is tough. He can be intimidating at first glance. But children, animals and trusting grown men like me know that he is kind and warm. I remember one late night when Thor and I stood next to my car and a woman walked by with her dog. She seemed nervous when Thor said hello to her. Then he asked her, "Do you know Patty Griffin?" (We had just come from the concert).
The woman nervously answered that she didn't. "Me neither," he said. The woman kept walking, and I had to chuckle at the pointless exchange that had just occurred. He certainly never meant to make her nervous, but I could see her quicken her pace as she walked away.
Sometimes he is a little scary to me when we're playing. He always says that he loves the look in my eyes when we play games, because it is obvious I have no idea what to expect from him. That's exciting to both of us! I'm looking forward to the next time I experience that sensation. Then I can stop being jealous that other people seem to be having all the fun!
Thor is a gentle giant. Kind to animals and children, he reminds me of Jesus or Pa Ingalls. On the other hand, with his shaved head, tattoo and pierced ear, he looks like he could possibly be cast in HBO's OZ series. Please bear with me a moment as I reflect on a prison fantasy that just popped into my head.
Wow. MMmmmmm. Nice. Woof!
Okay, I'm back. What was I saying? Oh, yes. Thor is tough. He can be intimidating at first glance. But children, animals and trusting grown men like me know that he is kind and warm. I remember one late night when Thor and I stood next to my car and a woman walked by with her dog. She seemed nervous when Thor said hello to her. Then he asked her, "Do you know Patty Griffin?" (We had just come from the concert).
The woman nervously answered that she didn't. "Me neither," he said. The woman kept walking, and I had to chuckle at the pointless exchange that had just occurred. He certainly never meant to make her nervous, but I could see her quicken her pace as she walked away.
Sometimes he is a little scary to me when we're playing. He always says that he loves the look in my eyes when we play games, because it is obvious I have no idea what to expect from him. That's exciting to both of us! I'm looking forward to the next time I experience that sensation. Then I can stop being jealous that other people seem to be having all the fun!
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